Asking Readers to Share Their Best Advice

No, I am not running out of topics. Believe me, there is PLENTY left to discuss about marriage and sexual intimacy. There are a myriad of challenges and ways to attend to this particular aspect of the marital relationship. The secular world continues to toss out their wrong ideas about intimacy which need to be addressed. Plus, my readers continue to challenge me with new questions and subjects I have yet to touch on.

However, I wanted to take today and simply thank those readers who have taken the time to share their story, give quality advice, or offer encouragement and prayers to others in the comments section. Quite often, I throw up a post, receive comments, and find some amazing gem (or two or three or more) among the readers' thoughts. You often do better than I at answering questions--especially if you have been through a similar situation and worked through a challenge.

One more time:

Thank you!

And now, I'm simply going to open up my comments to see what wisdom remains out there. Here's the question at hand that I want you to answer for me and the readers:

What one piece of advice have you received that has made

a positive difference in the sex life of your marriage?

It can be something gleaned from the Bible, from a good friend or family member, from a book or blog, from your doctor or counselor, or any other resource. It can speak to the whole of marriage or some specific technique (but don't get too graphic so that we're all wincing and spitting here).

I will be gathering up your advice and sharing it in other ways as well. Blessings and thanks to all of YOU. Because I really do have the BEST readers!

What Are You Doing for Pelvic Floor Health?

"Sneezing just ain't the same."

A good friend uttered that sentence at a table full of women. There was a brief pause, and then we all erupted in laughter. We got it. You see, we'd all given birth in the not-too-distant past and had experienced stress incontinence.

Stress incontinence occurs when your bladder is "stressed" in some way--through physical activity, laughing, coughing, sneezing--and urine leaks out. It's not uncommon among women after childbirth or in later age.

But it isn't inevitable. There are ways to strengthen the pelvic floor to keep everything tight and in check. One of the added benefits of pelvic floor health is that it permits more pressure and flexing during sexual intercourse, which can be pleasurable for both husband and wife.

What's the primary method for strengthening the pelvic floor? Let's all say it together, ladies! Kegel Exercises.

Now if you're like me, you hate doing Kegel exercises. Not because they're painful, but because you can't remember to do them often enough, and when you do them, you're not exactly sure if you're doing them right. Or you wonder if maybe someone does notice that you're flexing your down-there muscles since you just remembered to do them in the grocery store line and that woman over there is looking at you funny.

So I started looking at other options. Because I don't remember to do push-ups, sit-ups, or jumping jacks either, but if you buy me exercise equipment or sign me up for the gym, I'll exercise (at least some) because I don't want to waste the money and that gadget looks kind of cool.

I'm sharing what I found, and then asking you to comment on what, if anything, you're doing for pelvic floor health.

Vaginal Weights. There are several different types, but the main idea is to place a weight of some kind in the vagina. The inner muscles reflexively contract to keep the weight inside, and over time the pelvic floor is strengthened. Examples include Ben Wa Balls, Lelo Beads, and vaginal cones.

Ben Wa Balls
They just look like silver marbles to me.

Lelo Beads
One or more at a time.

Vaginal Cones
Don't they look like tiny tampons?

This form of pelvic floor exercise has been around for centuries, but professionally manufactured vaginal weights are often recommended by obstetricians and gynecologists today.

Pelvic Exerciser. If the examples above are like the free weights in the gym, pelvic exercisers are like the body-building machines. These mechanical contraptions are inserted into the vagina and then expand and contract to work your pelvic floor muscles into shape. They come with such names as Kegel Pro and Kegelmaster and--for the uber-serious, I guess--the Kegelmaster 2000.

Kegelmaster
Does coloring it purple make it less scary?

Vaginal Sensor. A vaginal sensor comes with a small part to insert into the vagina attached to a sensor that you hold. The sensor prompts you when to flex and when to release, thus exercising your Kegel muscles properly. I suppose it's like having your own personal trainer at the gym. There are several brand names for such products, and sensors are also used in urology offices to detect incontinence issues.

Bia Health Pelvic Muscle Toner
Does this remind anyone else of a Wii remote with a nunchuk?

"The Flexible Accessory." I have no idea where to categorize this thing. But I found something called The Magic Banana. It has an odd shape but purports to exercise Kegel muscles and thus strengthen the pelvic floor. It's sort of like that home gym equipment you see on some infomercial that you'd never know how to use without them demonstrating it for you. So I watched the demo video.

Very soon, I was thinking that this banana was a little too magical. It was going beyond pelvic floor muscle exercises to G-spot exploration. I was starting to have impure thoughts looking at my fruit bowl. But one doesn't have to use the tool that way. You could just use it to give those Kegels a workout.

The Magic Banana
It sounds like a children's cartoon show title.

So here are my questions:

• Have you experienced stress incontinence?
• Do you exercise your Kegel muscles regularly?
• What methods or products have you used?
• Do you have one or more to recommend?
• If you do exercise your pelvic floor, have you or your husband noticed a difference in your lovemaking?

Revisiting the Question: What Is Modesty Really?

First published July 2011

When my husband and I first got married, I owned this cute little black skirt that showed off my personal best asset--my legs. I had bought it on sale at a store where I didn't usually have the money to shop, and I loved the way I looked in that skirt.

My hubby asked me to get rid of it. What?! Are you kidding?! He said that it was too short, and he didn’t like other guys seeing that much of me. Hmmm.

Frankly, I'd always thought of myself as being relatively modest. I never wore a bikini; always a one-piece. I didn't wear low-cut blouses, even if I didn't have the cleavage to spill out anyway. I didn't squeeze myself into clothing two sizes too small or wear dresses with cut-outs on the sides. But I had to take his word for it--his male perspective on what draws a man's attention in an inappropriate way.

When I look around now, I sometimes can't believe the eye candy that we dangle in front of men's eyes and then expect them to pay attention to our inner goodness. I was at a church luncheon once (I repeat, church luncheon, for heaven's sake!) and saw a woman lean over to get her food, drawing up her blouse and giving a peek at the black thong coming out of her skirt. She probably had no idea.

And that's the point. We ladies are not always great at gauging what is appropriate to wear publicly. The newest fashions come out, everyone's wearing them, they make us look good, and we buy. We are often not even aware that the micro-mini reveals too much when we sit across from a male co-worker or that a loose blouse is giving a glimpse of our lacy bra to the waiter at our table. We don't even think like that.

So we have to start thinking like that. We have to pause and ask whether what we are wearing is going to encourage temptation to lust for men around us. Yes, I know men lust anyway. My father swore that young men can find a way to lust after women wearing potato sacks, but we should make it easier for guys to focus on what is most important.

Some things modesty is not.

Modesty is not backward. Modesty is not dressing like you are from past century in a fruitless attempt to turn back time and keep things on the up-and-up.

Modesty is not frumpy. Wearing sweat pants and crew neck t-shirts all the time will cover everything, but that is not a look that presents the best you.

Modesty is not old. A 30 year old need not dress like her grandmother to maintain a modicum of modesty.

Modesty is not gender-neutral. Straight clothes that hide that you are, hello!, a woman is not modesty.

What modesty is. 

Modesty is covering up skin best reserved for your spouse. If you aren't sure whether it's appropriate, ask him. Do NOT ask, “Do you like me in this dress?” He might say, “I LOVE you in that dress (and out of it).” Ask where the dress makes him look. Does the dress draw attention to areas best left for his eyes only? Ask if he is comfortable with how much of you will be revealed to others.

Modesty is dressing like the beautiful woman you are. You are a woman with a womanly shape; it is okay to wear something that demonstrates that you have a figure. But fitted and tight-fitting are quite different. Don't get hung up on the numbered size of a garment (sizes vary so much by manufacturer); find what fits you right.

Modesty is fashionable. Yes, you can find styles that are fashionable and modest. Teenagers in particular may have to treat clothes shopping like hunting an endangered species, but it is possible.

Modesty is keeping your underclothes under your clothes. For some reason, I feel the overwhelming compulsion to state this. I don't think it's backward to presume that bras, panties, etc. should not be as visible to the public as your brand-new haircut.

If you struggle with what makes you look beautiful and fashionable without falling into inappropriate styles, I recommend going online and looking for tips on dressing your body type. Frankly, in the few episodes I've seen of What Not to Wear, the experts did an excellent job of dressing women in clothes that highlighted their best parts and kept everything tucked in as it should be. (Mind you, I cannot speak to the series as a whole since I don't get that channel!)

Pause and think about what you're wearing. Think about whether it's honoring your husband. Think about whether it's helping another woman's husband keep his eyes on his own wife. And then go out there and be the fashionista that you are!

Remembering, of course, that your inner beauty is what matters most.

Thanks to Warrior Wives for bringing this post to my mind again. Join the conversation with Let's Chat: Discerning Modesty Standards with Your Husband.

Are You a Good Lover?

Let me share a comment from my last post on The World & Sex...Rowing against the Tide:

Jay Dee of Sex Within Marriage:

Yeah, I've had the conversation where the other person goes ".....wait....you mean you've only had sex with 1 person? Your whole life?!?"

It's humorous and sad at the same time.

Usually the next question is "How do you know if you're good or not?!"

Fact is I don't. All I know is I'm good for my wife, and that's all I care.

That question had me shaking my head all day.

I've been honest here that my husband was not my first. I've had lovers, plural. And I don't know how someone thinks that having more than one partner means you're better informed somehow. Are their lovers filling out evaluation forms? With possible responses like, "Best I ever had," "Rocked my world," "A good way to pass 15 minutes," "Faked the orgasm," and "Will deny we did it if anyone asks"?

Guess what? You know you're a good lover the same way whether you've had multiple partners or did it the way God intended with just one: Your lover responds.

In fact, I'd argue that you're better able to discern how good you are making love with a single mate, whose opinion really matters to you, time and time again. Because a one-timer can fake it no problem, but it's harder to fake a lifetime of sexual satisfaction. Not many people can keep that up for thirty-plus years.

(And if you're doing that, stop it. It's not fair to your spouse.)

So are you a good lover?

Here are some ways to know:

• Your spouse fondly remembers sexually intimate moments with you.
• Your spouse desires to have sex with you again. (But if they don't, that may not be a personal statement about your performance, but a low libido issue with them.)
• Your spouse's body leans into what you're doing.
• Your spouse asks you to keep doing what you're doing.
• Your spouse makes what I'll call "happy noises"--which could be anything from tiny moans to full-on wailing.
• Your spouse tells you that you're a good lover.

Whether or not you are a terrific lover or not today isn't the point, though. Because the beauty of God's plan for sex in marriage is that you have plenty of opportunity to learn, to grow, to experience a full range of lovemaking. You can ask what your spouse would like to do differently and how you can better pleasure them.

What if you actually looked at your spouse and said, "Is there anything I could do differently in the bedroom that would make sex an even better experience for you?" Or "What do you really like that I do in the bedroom?" Or "How can be a better lover to you?"

You might find that you're already an A+ lover. Or perhaps your spouse wishes you'd go a little slower or a little faster or a little softer or a little harder. And you can make an adjustment and become an even better lover.

Also, be willing to give your spouse helpful feedback. Helpful feedback is not "No! Not like that." It's "a little to the left; yeah, there" and "I love it when you ____" and "I'd like to try ___."

In a godly marriage, we care a great deal how the experience is for our spouse. It's not just about me and my sexual arousal and my climax. It's not even about me being a great lover. It's about we. How we are good lovers for one another.

And getting better all the time.

Jay Dee is right: "I'm good for my wife, and that's all I care."

Just focus on becoming the best lover you can be for your spouse. And then if anyone asks, you can say, "I'm awesome! Unbelievable. Seriously, you wouldn't believe how good I am."

"I belong to my beloved,
  and his desire is for me."

Song of Songs 7:10

The World & Sex...Rowing against the Tide

Every now and then, I head to a popular news website and see what's on their page about sexuality. Here are the headlines from Huffington Post's page:

I Didn't Know My Husband Was Gay Until After We Married
Cheating Can 'Save a Marriage'
Why Gays Are Better at Sex
The Hook Up Culture Bogeyman
Is Undetectable HIV Stigmatizing Gay Sex?
Carolina Infant's Mistaken Sex Assignment Surgery More Than a Case of Malpractice
What's The Best Way To Come Out As Bisexual At Work?
'Mom, What's Gay?'
How's Your Sex Life?
Porn Entrepreneur: 'I Believe You Can Change The World Through Sex'
Brooklyn, Love And Wedding Sex
Sexual Equality? A Long Way Off -- An Anthropologist's Perspective
The Case For Casual Sex
Brothel Owner Blasts LinkedIn's Prostitute Ban
5 Reasons Every Couple Should Have Sex Before Marriage

There's plenty more. I was halfway down the page before I finally got to Why I'm Glad I Waited For Marriage To Have Sex. I didn't watch the video, but the title spoke toward God's design for sexuality.

I'd like to say that this is an anomaly--that Huffington Post is a particularly crass news site, or that I just happened upon it on an off-day. However, when I see sexuality discussed in secular sources these days, I'd say that 90% of it doesn't align with God's design for physical intimacy.

So what does this mean?

It means we're rowing against the tide, people.

It means that plenty of people don't understand the concept of keeping sex sacred. They don't relate to saving it for marriage, or keeping it in marriage, or raising to a level beyond the physical, or growing intimacy not merely because it feels good but because God commanded us to. They don't see what the big deal is about the things you object to, like porn.

In the world of people drenched in what the secular culture says about sex, you might as well be Big Foot: They've heard about you, but they didn't know you were real.

Am I exaggerating?

A bit. But I'm trying to get the point across that if you feel like you're in a small group on a small boat rowing against the tide, it's because you are.

The secret, though, is that our little boat is having the best time.

You see, the world talks a good game about sex, and I won't deny that they do have some awesome physical highs. But we've got the deep, meaningful stuff that God designed as part of true sexual intimacy. We've got the physical expression of covenant love. We've got the representation of God's love for His people as we join into one flesh.

I know that's not what many Christians are currently experiencing in their marriage...and that breaks my heart. That's a big reason I'm here blogging about Christian sexuality.

But don't think that the world has better answers. It doesn't.

Dive deeper into God's word, pray for His wisdom, reach out in love to your spouse. Don't stop rowing against the tide. Just grab a bigger oar.

How do you feel like you're rowing against the tide in your marital sexuality? What frustrates you most about the world's teachings on sex? What frustrates you most about the church's teachings on sex?

Also check out Journey to Surrender's excellent post on Reclaiming the Marriage Culture.