"My issue is that I have never had an orgasm. I'm beginning to believe that I can't. I love sex... I initiate it more often than he does! But I know that it bothers him somewhat (a lot less than in the past!) and it bugs me! I believe it might have something to do with letting go and relaxing.. any tips for me?"
So if I were a sex therapist (which I'm not), I would likely ask questions about sexual history, events that shaped sexual perspective, marital health, techniques, and so on. But maybe it's just as well to give a general "How to" lesson - which will be broad, but may include helpful tips. So without further ado, here's my rendition of:
How to Orgasm
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| "I'll have what she's having." When Harry Met Sally |
1. Don't try to orgasm. Yes, it's a worthy goal, and I'm in favor of reaching that awe-inducing climax and yelling "Yippee!" at its apex. However, trying to attain an orgasm is like looking for the perfect shoes. You almost never find them when you're out hunting down what to wear with that outfit you paid too much for. But go out browsing with a girlfriend to enjoy the fun of shopping, and voila! there they are - the perfect shoes practically winking at you through the display window.
Likewise, orgasms are not what you should aim for. Aim instead for pleasure, pleasure, and more pleasure. When the pleasure becomes particularly intense, orgasm occurs. So your target should be enjoying the sexual act as much as you possibly can.
2. Learn about your body. There are various ways to do this. Read up on the female body generally. Learn the parts that constitute arousal areas and how they work. The most thorough treatment I've read was from Intended for Pleasure by Ed and Gaye Wheat, but there are other sources. One important fact is that the clitoris is where orgasm occurs for women, and this body part appears to have no other purpose than inducing sexual arousal. (Thank you, God.) The Wheats state that "sufficient physical stimulation of the clitoris alone will produce orgasm in nearly all women." Of course, what constitutes that "sufficient physical stimulation" is what wives, and husbands, need to know.
Some experts suggest that you experiment with your own body, discovering where you like to be touched and with what intensity. It will feel different with your own hand versus your husband's, but this information can be valuable. You can even make this part of a lovemaking session. Most husbands are very aroused by their wives touching themselves, and this can become part of the foreplay for sex. It can help him to see what you like.
You can also have your husband explore your body. I suggest that the wife remove her clothing, but that the husband remain dressed for this session (it can be awfully hard for him to not rush in to penetration if he's already naked). Dedicate at least fifteen minutes, but even better a half-hour, to him touching you with his hands and lips. It may feel selfish to indulge only one of you, but learning what causes arousal for the wife will benefit the husband in the long run as well.
3. Slow way down. Men typically do not require as much foreplay as women. In fact, husbands have been compared to microwaves and wives to slow cookers for how long it takes them to heat up. (Thanks to Sheila Gregoire for reminding me of this comparison.) It takes some time for most women to become aroused, fully lubricated, and for the inner vagina lips (labia minora) to swell.
Moreover, women are mental multi-taskers. This can be a problem when it comes to sex. It takes time to wind down and push the to-do list to the back of our minds; to swat away those pesky distractions rushing through our brains; to relax into the arms of our beloved; to feel valued, treasured, and loved in that moment; and to let go and surrender to the sensations our body is experiencing.
And that's okay. It can be a good thing when a wife slows down the lovemaking experience and ensures that a couple basks in the delights of one another. Give the wife time for pleasure and intensity to build.
4. Focus on the sensations. The female orgasm is mostly mental. As I said, God created females to be multi-taskers, so it's easy for us to think about sex and - sex and our shopping list; sex and the lyrics to the song on the radio; sex and the way our breasts sag to the side instead of perking up like we wish they would. But you have to focus on what's happening to your body to give in to it, to enjoy it, to climax.
2. Learn about your body. There are various ways to do this. Read up on the female body generally. Learn the parts that constitute arousal areas and how they work. The most thorough treatment I've read was from Intended for Pleasure by Ed and Gaye Wheat, but there are other sources. One important fact is that the clitoris is where orgasm occurs for women, and this body part appears to have no other purpose than inducing sexual arousal. (Thank you, God.) The Wheats state that "sufficient physical stimulation of the clitoris alone will produce orgasm in nearly all women." Of course, what constitutes that "sufficient physical stimulation" is what wives, and husbands, need to know.Some experts suggest that you experiment with your own body, discovering where you like to be touched and with what intensity. It will feel different with your own hand versus your husband's, but this information can be valuable. You can even make this part of a lovemaking session. Most husbands are very aroused by their wives touching themselves, and this can become part of the foreplay for sex. It can help him to see what you like.
You can also have your husband explore your body. I suggest that the wife remove her clothing, but that the husband remain dressed for this session (it can be awfully hard for him to not rush in to penetration if he's already naked). Dedicate at least fifteen minutes, but even better a half-hour, to him touching you with his hands and lips. It may feel selfish to indulge only one of you, but learning what causes arousal for the wife will benefit the husband in the long run as well.
3. Slow way down. Men typically do not require as much foreplay as women. In fact, husbands have been compared to microwaves and wives to slow cookers for how long it takes them to heat up. (Thanks to Sheila Gregoire for reminding me of this comparison.) It takes some time for most women to become aroused, fully lubricated, and for the inner vagina lips (labia minora) to swell.
Moreover, women are mental multi-taskers. This can be a problem when it comes to sex. It takes time to wind down and push the to-do list to the back of our minds; to swat away those pesky distractions rushing through our brains; to relax into the arms of our beloved; to feel valued, treasured, and loved in that moment; and to let go and surrender to the sensations our body is experiencing.
And that's okay. It can be a good thing when a wife slows down the lovemaking experience and ensures that a couple basks in the delights of one another. Give the wife time for pleasure and intensity to build.
4. Focus on the sensations. The female orgasm is mostly mental. As I said, God created females to be multi-taskers, so it's easy for us to think about sex and - sex and our shopping list; sex and the lyrics to the song on the radio; sex and the way our breasts sag to the side instead of perking up like we wish they would. But you have to focus on what's happening to your body to give in to it, to enjoy it, to climax.Make your pleasure almost like meditation. Train yourself to focus on where your husband is touching, kissing, or fondling you. Think intently about your private areas as your husband is pleasuring them. If stray thoughts come in (and they do), return your mental gaze to your body and the stimulation of your five senses. Most women must practice this level of concentration - getting rid of distracting thoughts and returning focus to the arousal your body is experiencing. It may take time to do it with ease.
5. Communicate. Tell him what you like. When something feels particularly good, let your spouse know to keep doing it, or have him increase the intensity. When adjustments need to be made, verbally suggest what you want or direct his hands or lips to the area you want aroused.
Can this be awkward? Um, yeah. I have never seen a Hollywood love scene where one actor said to the other, "Oh, not there. Over a little bit. Yeah, right there." (Actually, I see very few such scenes these days by avoiding R-rated films, but that's another story.)
I still feel a little weird about speaking up during sex, but my honey doesn't mind. Two things to remember: (1) he wants to pleasure you, so if something else would do more to rev up your engine, he wants to know; (2) he'll respond much better to positive feedback than critical reviews of his performance. For example, rather than saying, "That doesn't feel good," move his hand and say, "I love it when you touch me there." Smiles, oohs, aahs, and groans also let a hubby know when he's hit the jackpot. You could throw in a "You rock my world, baby!" if you feel so moved. That usually goes over well.
6. Surrender to the moment. Orgasm is a paradox of tension and letting go. When a woman feels extreme sexual arousal, her body tenses. But she must surrender to the pleasurable sensations in order for her body to climax. This is something you might practice too. When you start feeling intense pleasure, concentrate on the body part being aroused and relax it. Do this a few times, and see if your pleasure increases.
Give in to the moment when it arrives. Makes noises. Grimace. Scream. Flail about. Whatever floats your boat. I wonder about couples who videotape their lovemaking sessions because I'm pretty sure that orgasms are not pretty. If you watched a woman undergoing an intense orgasm, she might look like a rabid animal. But this is not the time to worry about how you look or what the neighbors might think if they heard you. (Hey, they're probably thinking "Good for her!") At that apex of pleasure, let go and revel in your one-fleshness.
My analogy would be riding a roller coaster (which I LOVE to do!). Tension grows as you slowly inch up to that tallest peak. When you reach the top, you must decide: Am I going to grip this safety bar and close my eyes? Or am I going to raise my hands and scream with delight? As you might guess, I always go for #2. It's so much funner that way. Surrender to the moment.
Well, that's it. Today's tips for how to orgasm.
You know what was so great about this reader's question in particular? She admits to enjoying sex . . . even without an orgasm. "I love sex," she wrote.
By learning about my body and my interactions with my husband, I have no problem these days achieving orgasm. However, I don't require climax to enjoy the closeness, arousal, and experience of sex with my husband. Sometimes, I simply don't hit that Big O, and that's okay. When I told my husband this, he was a little surprised. Most men figure that climax is a goal of sex; after all, they usually have one. The Generous Husband recently had a great post on this very topic: Okay - but only if I can skip the "O".
Still, orgasms remind me of ordering a peppermint hot chocolate (my go-to drink) at Starbucks. They always ask if I want whipped cream. I want to say, "Duh. The cocoa is great, but if I can get whipped cream, I'm totally there."
Sex = chocolaty goodness. Orgasm = whipped cream. Definitely a great combo.
Now readers, what are you tips for achieving an orgasm? Have you struggled in this way? Learned anything along the way? Share your story or your suggestions.
Quick Note: Stu and Lisa Gray have revealed nominees for their 2011 Top Marriage Blogs List. Check out the links and vote at the Stupendous Marriage website.
I love this post! Honestly, and being very honest, gaining the O isn't that hard for me, but there is one additional thing I can do to help it out.
ReplyDeleteVisualize -- we had a great floor length closet door mirror in our first apartment. That got some images for me that can help if my mind is wanting to wander. I think about what it looks like as we are going for it. Mirrors are great tools, and if someone finds your mirror -- no biggy! I know this can be risky business for someone who has delved into porn in the past, so use with caution. That's why I think the mirror can be so useful. You can think about what you and hubby are doing, and what that looks like, not what it looks like for someone else.
One time, back when we living in an apartment, it was summer and the windows were open, and we'd had a very pleasurable love making session and I had been rather noisy at that point of climax. We were snuggling when we hear from outside "Hope you used a rubber!" Oh, gosh, the embarrassed giggles! At the same time, the pride on Hubby's face when we laugh about that time -- its worth the embarrassment!
The tips are right on. Inevitably, you just gotta discover what works for you. But having a clear mind, enjoying the moment, and working your sexuality in a way that pleases you are a good place to start. A little selfishness can go a long way in the bedroom. Trust, your husband will love it, and pat himself on the back...LOL
ReplyDeleteI ALWAYS have an orgasm. But that's bcz my husband of 21 years knows me and what works. I don't even like toys as much as his hands (or even mine). I never have an orgasm with him in me though. If I do, it's so intense I push him out and that ends the orgasm. So we're content with him manually stimulating me and then he going in after I'm done. Too much info??? :)
ReplyDeleteI want to add-- give it time. My husband and I are on our way to our 12th anniversary, and I think the first time he brought be to full on climax was this past summer. It took us some time and getting comfortable with each other and learning about each other and just discovering that we could completely trust one another to finally get to this point. And now-- the sex just keeps getting better. Not that it was bad before. But the changes in our first 11 years of marriage have made me really look forward to the next eleven years!!! :D
ReplyDeleteThe other thing I've read fairly consistently is that women need to breathe fully. Relax and don't stifle your breathing. Don't worry about noise.
ReplyDeleteI was sexually abused as a child and often struggle to focus on what is now (awesome) instead of what was before (horrible). I have found that asking my husband to speak to me or simply say my name can pull my thoughts right back to our bedroom. This helps me focus on him and what we are doing instead of on the abuse. When I am focused on him I am able to fully relax. Once relaxed he knows just what to do :)
ReplyDeleteIt took me almost 3 years to get this figured out. Talk, Talk, Talk, to your husband and let him know if you are having troubles relaxing due to abuse. I bet he will be more than happy to take some extra time to help you out.
Thank you! I've been disociating because of past abuse. His voice always brings me back, especially with eye contact. He doesn't do it all the time, though, because he apparently loses focus, himself, but I'll continue to encourage it. Thank you, thank you, thank you for the tip!
DeleteLove this! So important for all us woman out there! Thank you for sharing these amazing ideas! Kate @onefleshmarriage
ReplyDeleteI love the post and all the comments as well! (Oh, and I love roller coasters too. Is there no end, Mrs. Hot Holy Humorous, to the things we have in common?)
ReplyDeleteAll the suggestions are fabulous and spot on. I particularly think it is helpful to focus on the pleasure, especially as things intensify. Lean into that feeling (mentally and physically).
The other thing I always remind women is that some things are worth working toward. In other words, if you can't orgasm, don't give up too easily and certainly don't fake it. Keep talking, keep discovering each other's bodies, etc. Don't rule out some self discovery -- even if you are against masturbation in general, there is something to be said for self discovery on your own as a way to truly understand your body and the type and intensity of touch needed on your clitoris for you to climax. Then use this info to teach your husband.
I don't think orgasm is everything, but I do think it is a very strong something. And it was designed by God -- the clitoris was His handiwork, and it has no other purpose but sexual pleasure in a woman. Not always easy getting there, but so worth it... such a glimpse of some of the goodness He instilled in sexual intimacy.
Such amazing comments. I wasn't replying because I really didn't have anything to add to your great stuff!
ReplyDeleteI did have a friend mention a physiological issue to me. I haven't researched this, but she said that a woman can struggle to orgasm if she lacks enough testosterone in her body. Anyone know about that?
This might shed a little more light:
ReplyDeletehttp://www.mayoclinic.com/health/testosterone-therapy/AN01390
Thanks so much, Gregory. Mayo Clinic is definitely a reputable source. Their take is kind of what I thought. Testosterone is more involved in libido. If a woman has a good sex drive but can't orgasm, I would suspect something else is at play.
ReplyDeleteUnder #2 you said, "It may feel selfish to indulge only one of you, but learning what causes arousal for the wife will benefit the husband in the long run as well."
ReplyDeleteMost husbands would probably jump at the chance to pleasure their wife and just watch her enjoy it. I know I do.
Of course, it wouldn't hurt to return the favor afterwards...
Less than 10% of women are never able to achieve orgasm because of a medical condition so there's definitely hope for most that are struggling. Sensate focus is one of the most helpful tools in getting women there. All of the other suggestions are really great- relaxing, fantasizing, not focusing on orgasm, work through past trauma etc.
ReplyDeleteI was one who when newly married was not sure if I was having an orgasm and if so, what is exactly felt like. People had always told me that when it happens, you know, but that was not the case for me. I later figured out that I had been having orgasms, but they were not as intense as they are now. It is easy for me to know when I am getting close now, where as when my hubby and I were first married he was unsure if I actually had one. Part of this was that we failed to take the time to learn each others' bodies and what causes pleasure. My husband had multiple sex partners before we were married, so he had a kind of play book for that kind of thing, and it wasn't really what I needed. We figured it out, and we're still learning, but it would have been SO helpful for us to read and work through "Intended for Pleasure" when we first got married.
ReplyDeleteThank you for that, I'm in the same boat. Grateful for your advice!
DeleteOne major factor that you have overlooked is hormonal birth control. Anything that is changing your cycle is also changing your desire. Hormonal birth control is mimicking pregnancy, thus not allowing the chemical cocktail during ovulation to occur. I did not know this as a new bride, and it wasn't until I stopped taking birth control after two years of marriage that I had my first orgasm. There are many other ways to avoid a pregnancy out there that do not involve hormones... unfortunately doctors don't get any incentive to teach you these methods.
ReplyDeleteAlso certain anti -depressants make it harder. It took me ten years a vibrator and pointing my toes. Now we learner together how to help it along. But I had to figure out what ir was first.
ReplyDeleteSo I have a question for you J, as a newlywed...I have not yet experienced climax simply from thrust. Hubby always has to manually stimulate me while thrusting. Am I doing something wrong? I've tried tilting various directions and found some things make HIM feel really good but I don't seem to feel any stimulation (although thrusting feels nice it doesn't feel like it's going anywhere and hubby has a ticking timer once he starts on how long he can hold out hehe). I feel like I must be missing something? Or is it something that just takes some time to learn?
ReplyDeleteI can probably guarantee you're not doing anything wrong. It's difficult for most women to reach climax through vaginal thrust alone, at least at the beginning. Some wives do find that it's easier to orgasm during intercourse if they have already experienced orgasm before penetration (through manual stimulation or oral sex). Once you've already gotten to the top of the mountain, it's not as hard to reach the climax again, so to speak.
DeleteAlso, as a woman married many years--and with lots of sex under my belt--I can feel things now I didn't feel when we were first married. Not to get too detailed, but if you continue to explore each other and enjoy the experience, I think you'll eventually tune into the smaller movements and feel of his penis inside you, and it becomes easier to have that big O.
And that long response is all to say, Yes, it takes some time to learn. But hey, what an awesome class to attend! :) Best wishes & my prayers for you.
I realize this isn't a sex therapist's blog...but from one woman to another... :) I have been married to my fantastic husband for over six years now and still haven't attained the Big O. Until our first child was born, I had pain or discomfort probably 95% of the times we had sex. It wasn't until our 2nd child was born 8 months ago that all pain/discomfort is completely gone. In these 8 months, we have reached incredible heights in our lovemaking. We keep saying "We have got to be so incredibly close to an orgasm..." But close doesn't count.
ReplyDeleteI know this is a personal subject, but I'm curious to know from Christian ladies who have experienced an orgasm whether in the learning curve you had peaks of pleasure which only increased from one session to the next. It feels like I am living on a plateau in which it feels tremendous but no orgasm overtakes me. You say don't try for one but focus on pleasure...I can hardly dissect the two. I guess we've wanted one for so long and yeah, I guess I want one badly enough that when things are really feeling great, I find myself thinking "is this the start of one?"
My husband and I keep praying for and dreaming of the victory and have a honeymoon getaway spot picked out to celebrate it. :) ....I hope we can get there. But sometimes I find it hard to believe we ever will.
In the vein of "one woman to another," if you and I were close friends having coffee, I'd probably start asking questions. Like is he using manual or oral stimulation before penetration? Do you focus for a long time on foreplay? What positions have you tried? (How about this one? This one? Etc.) Are there any distractions in your bedroom? And so on.
DeleteIf you feel like you're close, you probably are. And the good news is that once you have an orgasm, it's easier to reach it the next time. My point is that if that "is this the start of one?" question comes to mind, try to return your attention just to the sensations of your body and how awesome it feels. Practice this focus, and maybe it will help.
And yeah, I'm saying a prayer that you and your hubby can get you there. Just in case, pack confetti for your honeymoon getaway spot. ;)
:) Manual stimulation for as long as it feels good for me...often about 40 min. I'm fairly flexible so we've tried anything from normal to bizarre positions :). We've done quite a bit of research on it and have come across the reportedly "best positions" for female orgasms, however, we tend to stick with the ones in which my peaks of pleasure are the highest. No distractions in the bedroom...husband is great with soft lighting, etc. Technically, according to the research we've done, it seems like we should have been there by now and according to my physical responses, it surely, surely has to be close.
DeleteAt any rate, I'm really glad for this post and I'll take #1 to heart and really focus on the pleasure. He loves giving me pleasure and I'm extremely blessed to have married a guy like mine. Thanks for the advice! :)
coffee is gone...gotta go buy confetti. :)
All these comments are great, but they don't help me any... I can't seem to climax without penetration, and my husband has a very hard time. (Which makes pregnancy and period days annoying...) I climax multiple times with intercourse, but manual and oral stimulation are usually uncomfortable and rather boring.
ReplyDeleteIt seems rather backwards to what everyone else's normal is... I don't mind but feel like we should aim higher.