I am loud.
In the first few years of our marriage, my husband and I lived in apartments – sharing Pringle-chip thin walls with some of our neighbors. Our newlywed years were filled with unmitigated vocalization. For all I know, the neighbors were thinking every time they saw me, “War is quieter than you.” Then again, I was Sadie, Sadie, Married Lady. Should I really be embarrassed? Wasn’t I supposed to be enjoying God’s gift to matrimony?
Eventually, we moved into a house, with thicker walls! Soon after, though, children came along, and that was a game-changer. To the Quiet Game.
It was time to exert that Fruit of the Spirit called self-control. I’m pretty sure that’s not what Galatians 5:22-23 is talking about, but no one wants her child knocking on the bedroom door late at night and yelling in a trembling voice, “Mommy! Mommy! Are you okay in there?” just as she’s attempting to conceive a sibling for said child. So, self-control it is.
J’s Ways to Keep Quiet during Sex:
1. Hold your breath – it fights off hiccups, unwanted sexual noises, and pool water flowing into your mouth after the perfect cannonball.
2. Grit your teeth – while probably not advised by your dentist, he would likely allow it if his home shared a wall with yours.
3. Bite your tongue – not too hard, of course, or you’ll have to explain to others the gash in your fleshy taste-tester.
4. Place your mouth against the mattress, pillow, or your spouse’s skin – don’t think of it as self-smothering, merely effective orifice placement.
5. Think about something completely unsexy – like the gunk that congeals on your sink’s drain stopper, your spouse’s toenail clippings buried in the carpet, or your in-laws.
That’s all I’ve got. My entire approach to verbal self-control in the bedroom. Sometimes these methods work, sometimes they don’t. My kids haven’t yet asked any redface-inducing questions of me – though perhaps they’re holding it all in until they can pay $200 an hour for professional therapy – so maybe I’m not as loud as I think.
On the other hand, my husband and I recently found blueprints for our house, which was custom built some years before we purchased. The drawings show the master bedroom with extra insulation for sound-proofing. I don’t know if noise buffers were installed as shown, but it gives me consolation to imagine that I could yell, “You rock my world!” at the top of my lungs and only my beloved husband would hear.
So maybe you should let go a little. Then watch your neighbors’ expressions as they pass you in the hallway or on the street. You might get a grin, a snicker, or even a high-five. Who knows? But your spouse will certainly delight in it!
“You who dwell in the gardens with friends in attendance,
let me hear your voice!”
Song of Songs 8:13