Talking Flirty vs. Talking Dirty



There is a big difference between
talking flirty and talking dirty. 

In college, I picked up a copy of Lady Chatterley’s Lover by D. H. Lawrence.  Was it as steamy as they say?  Oh yeah.  (Although perhaps today’s Harlequins could cause Mr. Lawrence to blush.)  What bothered me most, however, was the author’s presumption that Mrs. Chatterley would be turned on by some guy talking about her (so sorry to type this) “c*nt.”

Seriously, how on earth is that a turn-on?!!

I’ve talked to a few women who have engaged in sex with a guy who wants to talk dirty.  There are people who think it is sexy to use crass language to refer to body parts or sexual activities.  For the women I spoke with, it was the total opposite, but how could they convince their guy?  Some husbands think it’s simple prudishness if a wife doesn’t want to engage in talking dirty.

But there is a big difference between talking flirty and talking dirty.  Giving each other’s body parts cute little names is flirty.  Talking in descriptive imagery about what you want to do with each other – also flirty.  Using language you learned from a porn film your friend showed you back in your frat days, not flirty.

Just imagine if one turned to Song of Songs and read the Lover exclaiming to his Beloved, “Hey baby!  Come over here so I squeeze your melons!”  “Wrap those gams around me and let’s do the nasty!”  Ick!

He didn’t say anything approaching that.  He did, however, speak candidly about her body parts and his desire for her.  Try out this one instead:  “Your stature is like that of the palm, and your breasts like clusters of fruit. I said, ‘I will climb the palm tree; I will take hold of its fruit’” (Song of Songs 7:7-8).  He also says, “Your graceful legs are like jewels, the work of an artist’s hands.”  Uh, hello! So much nicer.

And that approach worked pretty well, considering that the Beloved recounts, “My beloved has gone down to his garden, to the beds of spices, to browse in the gardens and to gather lilies” (Song of Songs 6:2).  Those of you who think her hubby came back actually holding a bouquet of lilies have completely missed the imagery.

God-honoring sex is not dirty.  But it is flirty!  Using descriptive language to describe how beautiful your mate is or how much you enjoy sex together communicates value and anticipation of intimate time.

Make sure your words honor your spouse and your God.  Use words, of course!  Flirt with your mate!  Use poetic prose to tell him what a hottie he is.  Encourage him to gush about your salacious sexiness.

And then act on that flirting.  Let him touch those clusters of fruit.  Let him browse among the lilies.  God wants you both to enjoy the beautiful gift He has given to marriage.

Average Christian Wife Chosen as Next Bond Girl!

I know that James Bond is an unabashed sexist philanderer.  And I know that the proper Christian response to such sexual flippancy is an appalled gasp or a tsk-tsk shake of the head.  I also know that the women who donned such silly names as Honey Ryder (Dr. No), Pussy Galore (Goldfinger), and Plenty O’Toole (Diamonds Are Forever) have not helped to combat the notion of women as simple sex objects.

But (you had to know the “but” was coming) . . . doesn’t every woman secretly want to be a Bond girl?  After I began writing this, a friend of mine posted on her Facebook status, “I was asked to be the next Bond girl. I had to decline.”  A slew of comments ensued, mostly from women giving their own reasons why we should be Bond girls.  “We” – as in average women – wives and moms.

Although I’m certain that neither Ursula Andress nor Halle Berry had a C-section scar to show off with their bikinis, what have they got on us really?  Aren’t we every bit as sexy as they are?

So we’d like to think.  Thus, the Bond girl fantasy.  The idea that we could pour ourselves into strings and small fabric triangles and strut down the beach with every guy turning his head in our direction.  The thought of attending a ball or a casino in a tight yet flowing evening gown with thousands of dollars of diamond jewelry hanging from our necks and a suave tuxedo-clad man offering us champagne. The wild supposition that maybe – in an alternate universe – a British secret agent would risk his life to save us, simply because we are that smart and that pretty!

Meanwhile, what is the greatest personal risk my guy has taken on for me?  Spending two weeks at my parents’ house?  Painting my toenails when I was too pregnant to see my own feet?  Changing an air-polluting diaper?  Daring to shop at Toys-R-Us on Christmas Eve for that perfect gift?  Hey, he bravely looked danger in the face, he came out alive, and he did it for me!

Maybe Hollywood won’t hire me to be the next Bond girl.  But I clean up pretty good.  Slap an evening gown and some bling on me, and my husband could take me to a party.  I don’t need everyone’s eyes on me anyway . . . just his.

Then again, forget the martini, shaken-not-stirred.  I’m getting into a cozy set of pajamas, kickin’ up my slippered feet with my hubby, and having cocoa.  Not nearly so glamorous, but ever so satisfying.

By the way, my Bond girl name would have been Sassy Stilgottit.  What would yours be?

Vacuuming IS Foreplay

We’ve all had that moment, ladies, where Clueless Man walks in from a long day at work.  One look around our house should tell Clueless Man that the next natural disaster movie could be filmed on location in our living room; laundry has piled up to heights unseen by Sir Edmund Hillary; dinner is bubbling over the pot like the Sorcerer’s Apprentice cauldron; children are yelling creative epithets at one another; and Frazzled Wife’s face has permanently frozen (as her parents promised) into an expression mirroring Edward Munch’s The Scream.  YET, Clueless Man walks over and (a) kisses neck; (b) grabs derriere; and/or (c) fondles breast of Frazzled Wife and suggests a sexual interlude.

What?!!  Is this guy paying attention at all?

Now try Scenario #2:  Smart-Sexy Guy walks in to the whirlwind that is our home and notices Frazzled Wife collapsed onto the floor praying for a break, a spa day, or – better yet – Jesus’ Second Coming.  He scoops up Frazzled Wife and gives her a non-sexual hug.  He says, “Honey, it looks like you’ve had a tough day. Why don’t you take it easy for a few minutes? I’ll finish supper and take care of the kids.”  Frazzled Wife drags herself to the bedroom, locks the door, arranges three chairs in front of that door, grabs earplugs, and lies down with a wet cloth over her eyes.  Meanwhile, Smart-Sexy Guy corrals the kids, straightens up the house, starts a load of laundry, and finishes supper.

Is there any wife out there who is not sighing with satisfaction at this thought?  Where is this Smart-Sexy Guy? And how can I trade my Clueless Man in for one of those!

Sorry, ladies, I don’t know any husbands who do that all the time.  All men have clueless moments.  Some are clued-in better than others, but it doesn’t come naturally to most guys.  They honestly don’t see the mess, the craziness, the help you need.  Instead, they get home, notice your fine figure hovering near the stove, and think “Gimme.”

I have, however, explained to my own man that it is a big turn-in when he helps me out around the house.  In fact, all housework should be considered foreplay.  Wave a toilet brush around the bowl, and I start to purr.  Fold a load of laundry, and I start to pant.  Run the vacuum around the house for me, and I am good to go.

Psychologist and Christian author Kevin Leman has a terrific book entitled Sex Begins in the Kitchen.  He wrote it to convince men that women are wooed throughout the day by all the little things that contribute to making us feel valued and loved.  When we feel those things, we are far more open to physical intimacy when opportunity strikes.

In contrast, when we can’t reach our bed because of the mountains of clutter and mess in the way, it’s hard to get in the mood.  All we women can think about in that moment is our ever-growing list of to-dos.  When Hubby marks off some of our to-dos, it clears not only our list but our minds.  We can concentrate better on that guy who wielded a broom moments before and find him pretty darn attractive.

What chore could your husband do that would turn you on?

Rose-Colored Glasses

There are plenty of reasons why sex should remain within marriage.  Sure, there are the traditional arguments of unwed pregnancy, STD’s, and getting a “reputation” (whatever that means these days).  I agree that those are problems, but relational impact is a more persuasive argument.

For instance, here’s something I’ve noticed:  Love is blind. Okay, I’m not the first one to come up with that, but there is truth to it.  Think about some girlfriend who was arm-locked, lip-locked, and body-locked to some stud and thought her boyfriend was to the male race what Dale Earnhardt was to the car race.  The rest of you were scratching their heads, wondering what you missed, and generally wanting to slap her until she woke up and discovered that she was dating a character from a slapstick comedy.  I blame sex.

When your man kisses you, strokes you, beds you, and makes you sing like Madeline Kahn in Young Frankenstein, you forgive a lot.  Somehow, in the midst of foreplay, orgasm, and afterglow, we’re not thinking about the $200 he blew on video games last weekend, the embarrassing way he yelled at our child’s soccer game, or the fact that he cannot seem to understand that you need twelve pairs of black shoes because they’re all different!

When you’re married, that’s a good thing.  We need some balance to all the irritating habits our spouses have and the mistakes they make.  According to the acclaimed Gottman Relationship Institute, you need five positive interactions with your spouse to counteract one negative experience.

Sex can be one of those positives!  It’s like donning rose-colored glasses.  In marriage, our spouses need to look a little rosier than they are to keep things in positive perspective.  Frankly, I want to look much rosier to my hubby than I really am!  (Not to mention 10 years younger, a few inches thinner, etc.)  So I’m happy to ease those rose-colored glasses of sexiness onto my husband’s eyes and have him ignore the pork tenderloin I burned, the way I nagged him to mow the lawn by claiming I had lost our children in the grass stalks, and the fact that I snore and drool at times.

But before you walk down the aisle, you need to see EVERYTHING without fogged-over lenses.  This is not the time to claim that ignorance is bliss.  It ain’t!  Plenty of married people wish they had paid attention more when dating.  It might not have changed their decision to step up and say “I do,” but they would have been more prepared.

Hold off on the sex until you know this guy backwards and forwards – every personal flaw, character quirkiness, and family issue that he has.  Make sure you know he’s going to stick around for the long haul.  Approach your marriage with eyes WIDE OPEN (and legs shut).

My fashion advice is that rose-colored glasses go best with a white wedding gown and a golden ring.  Or maybe that black lace teddy you received at the bridal lingerie shower where you couldn’t make eye contact with your mother.  (Who invited her?!)  As soon as the honeymoon is over, those rose-colored glasses will come in handy.   I’m wearing a pair right now, and my husband looks terrific!