Trimming the Hedges



I have never waxed anything.  Probably because I’m a chicken.

Thankfully, my eyebrows have never grown together into a cartoon-villainish unibrow and I don’t have UFH – “unwanted facial hair” (as if any woman wants facial hair).  But the knowledge that sexy celebrities wax not only their faces but private areas always gave me the heebie-jeebies.   I also found it curious that a January 2010 poll on Glamour.com showed that a majority of women get their follicles pulled out from time to time.

As it turns out, in my uncharacteristic naiveté, I had completely missed the fact that several of my friends wax their nether regions as well.  I asked around and was surprised by the results of my own unscientific poll.

What got me started was an article in a magazine my sister had purchased that reported how men view the whole waxing thing.  Do they like it or not?  (I’ve tried finding the magazine to cite it but can’t!)   The results were mixed.  I was horrified at the whole prospect.  When I got home, I mentioned the article to my husband, ranting and raving about how some men actually wanted their chicks to look like prepubescent girls.  The nerve!

Then my husband spoke:  “It might be interesting.”  Gasp!

Comic strip by Tim Whyatt

That mumbled comment of his stuck in my brain and churned around for a while.   I started researching the topic.  Why did women wax?  Was I missing something here?  I went online to chat rooms, perused beauty spa websites, watched videos of the process (really, it’s unbelievable what’s on the internet), and asked more detailed questions of friends.  I studied the options – bikini vs. Brazilian vs. Hollywood, home waxing or a professional salon process, a plethora of products designed to lessen the inevitable pain of yanking out every last hair root in an area typically adverse to rough treatment.

Now my husband’s birthday was coming up, and I started thinking, “Well, maybe once.”  But every time I drove by the salon or picked up the phone to call, I chickened out.  Cluck, cluck!  I was terrified.  For one thing, there was the sheer pain.  I don’t care what pain-reducing product is out there:  I have seen the video, and that has got to hurt at least as bad as the twisting pinches my mother applied to her children’s upper arms when we were too loud in church.  I do not wish to repeat that sensation.  Then there were the poses you have to strike for the “esthetician” (talk about a euphemism) to reach all the areas of UPH (my abbreviation for “unwanted pubic hair”).  It seemed like a perverted rendition of Madonna’s vogueing craze.  And finally, salons described that the hair grows back differently, sparser and finer.  I had no idea before that I was attached to my triangle of hair, but I wasn’t convinced I wanted to replace my growth with a presumably new and improved version.

Unwilling, however, to abandon my idea entirely, I decided to shave instead.  Maybe to make up for wussing-out of the waxing experience, I decided to be particularly brave.  I would go Hollywood-style.  I purchased an electric razor, bikini area razors (teeny little things with a protective end so you don’t accidentally mutilate your own vagina), special bikini area shaving cream, and follow-up ointment.  I stored these things away until my husband’s birthday.

On my own personal D-day (troops are storming the beach no matter what!), my husband left for work, I dropped my kids off at school, and I pulled out all of my products.  I reviewed my plan, took stock of my supplies, and checked my nerves.  They were wound tight.

Did I mention I was chicken?!  What chicken wants to be plucked?  And what chicken plucks itself!

I trimmed the area and poured a bath.  I wielded my weapons of torture.  I began shaving.  It took a while, but nothing was irrevocably damaged or even slightly maimed.  Not a drop of blood fell, nor did I squeal a single time.

That night, I tucked myself into bed wearing frilly panties and strategically-placed gift bows.  My husband began unwrapping.  Now I will cease this part of the narrative because telling more would cross my boldface line of marital privacy.  Suffice it to say, he was happily surprised.

The next day, I had a painful rash. Oh well.

It was an interesting experience for us both, and I discovered a little more about why women wax.  Things felt . . . different.  Not better or worse, but definitely different.

What about other ladies out there?  Do you strip the land bare?  Keep the untamed wilderness? Or trim the hedges? That’s what one of the guys in that magazine article said:  He liked the idea that a woman would go to the trouble of doing a little landscaping for him.

(And if you men want to pipe up about this topic as well, go right ahead!)

“Let my lover come into his garden and taste its choice fruits.”

(Song of Solomon 4:15)

Pain & Pleasure

Here I am, along with other Christian bloggers, encouraging women to have great intimate encounters with their husbands, and some women continue to resist.  Because for some of you, when it comes down to it, intercourse is like inserting a serrated knife into your ear – or worse.  Sex flat out hurts.

This is absolutely not an area in which “No Pain, No Gain” applies.  Sex is not supposed to be physically painful.  If it is, you do not grit your teeth and bear it, or lie back and think of England.  You need to treat it like any other instance of pain in your body.  If you had ongoing migraines, you would try to find out why and treat them.  If you had excruciating back pain, you would see your doctor, a chiropractor, or a masseuse.  If you had sharp pangs every time you walked, you wouldn’t stop walking altogether or merely decide that painful walking was your personal normal, you would say to yourself, “Hey, what’s up? Walking isn’t supposed to hurt!”

So here are a few tips to address the pain that some women feel in intercourse.  Remember that God designed sex in marriage to provide intimacy and pleasure.  That is what He desires for you.

1.     Examination.  Visit your doctor and see if there is a physical reason for your pain.  Cervical structure, low estrogen, and other factors can negatively impact your comfort during intercourse.  Physical causes of sexual pain can be addressed.

After childbirth, intercourse with my husband felt like having a scythe inserted vaginally.  At my third visit to the gynecologist, the physician’s assistant realized that my estrogen was especially low.  She prescribed a cream, and voila! pain alleviated.  It was a relief to me and my husband that I could engage in intimate encounters without wincing, crying buckets, and begging (internally) for him to finish.  Thank goodness we discovered the physical cause and treated it.

2.     Preparation.  If physical factors are not to blame, it could be that the husband is entering his wife too soon.  A woman needs adequate lubrication and swelling to receive a penis without discomfort.  The inner vaginal lips (or labia minora) must be swollen to perhaps three times their regular size.  If the woman is not moist enough or swollen enough, her body requires more preparation.  Preparation = foreplay.

Women take longer to heat up.  Some have compared men and women to microwaves and slow cookers.  Make sure you allow time to become sufficiently aroused.  If necessary, designate a specified time for foreplay.  Tell hubby that you need fifteen minutes of love play before entry.  Or a certain number of romantic songs playing in the background can be your timer.  Make sure that you are ready for your husband’s penis to be inserted.  If you are, it will likely feel quite good when he enters. 

3.      Lubrication.  It can be difficult, at times, to produce enough lubrication on your own.  Perhaps it’s a time of the month when hormones are less cooperative, or the couple doesn’t have sufficient time in the schedule for long foreplay, or aging is playing its part in slowing down the juices.  Whatever the reason, purchase a lubricant and keep it near your bed.  Try different brands to find the one you like best.  You can apply the lubricant yourself or ask your hubby to do so (a request he would likely oblige).

Moisture in the vaginal area assists with stimulation and pleasure.  Your husband’s fondling may not feel good without that wetness.  If you aren’t producing it on your own, don’t worry about it.  Just apply lubrication.

4.      Experimentation.  Find out what feels good to you.  A lot of women who claim they don’t like sex have merely accepted the method used by their husband, and what he does doesn’t feel good.  You need to try different ways of touching one another, different positions, or different times for entry or ways of thrusting.  This isn’t a perfect-on-the-first-try activity.  Explore one another’s bodies and learn what is enjoyable.  Free yourself to find out what brings you pleasure and what brings pain, so you can pursue the former and avoid the latter.

Prior to childbirth, I had a tilted uterus, and sex often felt more comfortable when my husband entered my vagina from behind.  A little experimentation led us to discover a position that kept me from experiencing pain and intensified my pleasure.  Of course, my enjoyment made the encounter more enjoyable for my husband as well.

5.     Communication.  Talk to your husband about what feels good and what doesn’t.  If you begin to feel discomfort or pain, let him know!  He isn’t a mind reader.  Most men are not so absorbed by their own desire for climax that they don’t care about injuring you.  Loving husbands want their wives to gain pleasure from having sex with them.  So communicate.

This may mean piping up verbally during the event to say, “Ooh, that doesn’t feel good.  How about this?”  Or it may mean guiding his hand or his penis where you want it.  It can also entail sitting down outside the bedroom and having a heart-to-heart conversation about the pain you experience and your desire to experience pleasure instead.  Your husband will probably be happy to discuss options for accomplishing that goal.

6.     Habituation.  (I chose a big word to match all of the other -ations which really means frequency.)  Sex needs to happen with some regularity for pain or soreness to be avoided.

If I try to run five miles, my legs are going to scream bloody murder at me, and I will awaken the next morning barely able to move.  If I don’t run again until three months later, it will still hurt like the dickens.  But if I run today, tomorrow, the next day, and so on, I will be able to run five miles before I know it with a runner’s high instead of a weakling’s cramping.

Some women experience unnecessary pain because they do not engage in sex often enough for their muscles to adapt.  Vaginas stretch a little with use.  The vagina will still be tight enough to cause pleasure for the man, but it needs to remain elastic enough to respond.  If sex hurts and you don’t have sex again for three months, it will likely hurt just as much the next time.  Making sex a habit gets your body used to the physical activity, increasing the likelihood that you will enjoy the experience.

Remember that sex isn’t supposed to hurt.  See if one of these reasons is causing the problem and address it immediately.  Bring your husband in on the deal and enlist his help.

Nightie or Nudie?

With 1,028 stores and $4,018,000,000 in net sales, Victoria’s Secret makes it clear that a lot of women are purchasing lingerie!  For whom are they buying it?  Themselves or their honies?

I am married to the odd man out – a guy who doesn’t particularly care much for black lace teddies or see-through nightgowns.  His basic opinion is that “Naked is always in fashion.”  So whatever I’ve been wearing – whether little black dress or yard work overalls – as long as I strip down to bare skin when I get to the bedroom, he’s there.

I’ve had plenty of friends, however, who shop with their husbands or have their husbands shop for them to find that sexy ensemble that will stimulate his sight and make her feel like a personal pin-up.  Some women suggest that the best way to choose lingerie is to throw it willy-nilly on the floor and see how it looks lying there, since that is where it will end up within a scant five minutes anyway.  (A friend of mine calls it “the carpet test.”)

So why are guys so titillated by the nightie or the nudie?  God made men visual!  They are also fairly single-minded.  Put a beautiful woman in front of your husband (and believe me, in a nightgown or naked, you are beautiful to him) and he can focus on that pretty sight.  (Well, unless you start your stripper routine between him and the television in the last three minutes of the Super Bowl.) 

Why did God make men so visual?  Was it so that we gals would spend an inordinate amount of time warding off the creepy guys who undress us with their eyes in that split-second, north-to-south scan they naturally do so well?  Was it so that we could repeat the line, “My eyes are up here, buddy,” over and over to our high school prom date?   Was it so that we couldn’t walk through the bedroom in our pretty panties and bra without being accosted by the frenzied fingers of our faithful husband?

I’ve read a lot on this subject, and the only thing I can say without a doubt is that God did indeed make men accurately aware of beautiful women in their midst.  Perhaps it is so that husbands will cherish the beauty of their wives and treasure them like fine rubies.

Unfortunately, Satan takes what God has created and tries to twist it into something else, which means that men can struggle with wandering eyes.  Letting him see more of you than he sees of anyone else can help your hubby keep his focus where it should be.

For those of you tired of feeling like a pork chop that has your tail-wagging husband panting and licking his lips like a bloodhound, talk to a wife whose is beauty is never appreciated by her husband; whose husband does not pursue her or compliment her attractiveness; who has begged God in prayer after prayer to have what you have – a husband who desires her.  She would love to have what you have.

Now I am NOT condoning the husband who ignores his wife every other time and only glimpses in her direction when she unveils her Vicky Secret purchase.  I presume that everyone reading this understands that is flat-out insulting.  (If you don’t, I will repeat – INSULTING!)

But wives could do something to keep their husbands’ eyes on their prize by polishing up the trophy now and then and showing it off.  Invest in yourself a little with a nice nightie.  Even if your husband doesn’t care, it might make you feel a little sexier.  (It does for me.)  You don’t have to visit the pricier lingerie stores; they are plenty of sexy choices at your local Target or Wal-Mart or in the clearance rack of your department store.

Everybody understands the principle of appreciating the gift inside a box more than the box itself.  But a nicely wrapped package catches the eye.  Ladies, get your nightie or your nudie on.  And men, check out that perfectly wrapped present that God gave you.  Then send a thank-you note to God for what’s on the outside and the inside.

What's Up Is Up to You

So things in the bedroom aren’t going that great.  Your husband has paid more attention to the Angry Birds app on his phone than the sexy negligee you’ve donned the past two nights.  Or after working late four nights in a row, he tries to mount you at 3:30 in the morning for a “quickie.”  Or you have had such a long list of things to do lately that sex has started to feel like another item to be checked off.  Or you find yourselves as a couple repeating the same mechanical moves over and over so that you can turn each other on and then turn over to sleep.

It happens.

Now that $64,000 question is Whatcha gonna do about it?!  Without any specifics from your particular case, here’s some basic advice:  Act like it’s up to you.  If you want a more fulfilling sexual life, take the bull by the horns, so to speak.  Don’t wait for him to figure it out or for everything to work out on its own.

So you want a more romantic environment?  Light candles, turn on music, and throw rose petals on the bed.

So you want more time to warm up before entry?  Do everything you can get yourself in the mood.  Take a bubble bath, put on sexy lingerie, and guide his hands where you want them.

So you want him to buy you dinner first?  Buy him dinner.  Get a babysitter, pick him up from work wearing your best dress, and take him to your favorite restaurant.

So you want to try something new?  Look up a new position, buy an accessory, or choose a new location.  There are books and websites that suggest tasteful ideas for Christian couples.

The Bible says, “as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone” (Romans 12:18).  Withholding sex from your husband is a guaranteed way to cause conflict or hurt.  Demanding your partner read your mind to figure out how to satisfy you is also not a peacemaking approach.  Living at peace with your spouse means finding a way to deal with sexual hurdles in your marriage “as far as it depends on you.”

The ball is in your court.  Take a swing because all the potential for making something happen is up to you at this moment!  With that attitude, you are sure to score!

If you don’t like the sports metaphor, try this one:  Add the spices you like to the dish yourself.  Whatever you cook up will be delightfully tasty for the both of you!

Everybody's Doing It! Well, Not Everybody...But You Should!

This is a bonus post to let you know that my husband and I will be participating in the 7 Days of Sex Challenge hosted by Tony & Alisa DiLorenzo.  Check it out!

Specifically, it's the 2nd Annual ONE Extraordinary Marriage 7 Days of Sex Challenge, and its purpose is to reignite physical intimacy in your marriage by engaging in seven consecutive days of sex from Sunday, May 8 through Saturday, May 14.  (Of course, no one will stop you if you want to keep going after the 14th!)

When I suggested taking the challenge to my husband, he sighed and said, "Well, if you really wanna . . ."  (He's got a dry sense of humor.)  What he was actually thinking was, "Yippee! Slap that on the calendar now while I get on my knees and thank God!"

Of course, my take is that the sex alone isn't enough.  Please do not sign up and then schlepp your tired selves to the bedroom with a sense of duty every night to check another sexual encounter off the calendar!  This is supposed to be about connecting with each other!

Use this experience wisely.  Choose feasible times in your day to interact.  Communicate about what you like most in the bedroom.  Explore one another's bodies.  Try something new.  Pray before or after intercourse to increase your awareness of God's blessings on your physical relationship.  Find scriptures that praise marriage and read them together.  Take turns reading Song of Songs and giving massages.  Be creative and proactive!

Make this a 7 Days of Marital & Sexual Awesomeness Challenge!  I'll be doing the same.

(Excuse Me.  "Honey, stop that! It doesn't start until tomorrow!")

No More Period . . . Period.

The two most beautiful words in the English language to me now are endometrial ablation.  Aaaahhhh!  Don’t they just drip off the tongue with sweetness and satisfaction?

Like many women, I dreaded the arrival of Aunt Flo on the calendar.  For one thing, Aunt Flo always stayed too long – 8 or 9 days.  She also cramped my style, literally – as in curling up into a fetal position while my abdomen and back convulsed with pain.  And for the first few days of her visit, she was heavy and demanded attention every hour.  I spent most of Aunt Flo’s visits popping Ibuprofen like they were M&Ms and begging God for her to go away.

Needless to say, my marital intimacy took a free fall during the time that Flo was in the house.  Now that’s a pesky relative that you definitely don’t want around when contemplating romantic recreation!

As it turned out for me, the loss of blood at such a high level can cause anemia.  Which was good news because that meant that my medical insurance was willing to help me get rid of my Aunt Flo problem.

My gynecologist had recently started doing a procedure called endometrial ablation in which the uterine lining is destroyed, thus reducing or preventing menstrual bleeding.  There are several methods for ablating the endometrium – laser, freezing, heat, electricity.  She was performing the zapper method (NovaSure) of delivering a boost of radiofrequency energy which fries the uterine lining (more or less).

Most women who had undergone endometrial ablation went down to having mild periods for only a few days.  That sounded like absolute heaven to me!  I scheduled surgery.

It was a quick day surgery – in and out in several hours – with a brief recovery time at home.  I waited for my next period to arrive.

It didn’t.  It hasn’t.

Now, my experience is atypical.  And even if I did have 3-4 days of moderate menstruation, it would be a vast improvement on marking off almost a third of the month as “No Way, José” days to my husband.  Now any day or night is fair game (well, when it comes to that issue).

Not having to deal with terrible periods has done wonders for our sexual frequency and fulfillment.  I’ve recommended this procedure to every post-childbearing woman who struggles with a bad period.  If you are completely done with having children (and you must make sure that you are!), then an endometrial ablation may be the answer for you.  Check with your doctor.

Kicking out Aunt Flo or limiting her visits to a few days instead a week and half might help you be more available and interested in having sex with your husband.  I know it did for me!