Does Your Husband Stink at Romance? Mine too.

Thus far, I've only identified myself as “J” - anonymous Christian sex blogger living somewhere in the United States with a husband and family. But I have decided that it is time to reveal something personal about myself – something about my family. I want to tell you about my husband.

Well, not so much tell you about my husband as tell you who he is. So brace yourself, hold your breath, because here he is – the man to whom I am married:

"Live long and prosper."

My husband actually has a different name, but the personality is pretty much the same. I am married to Spock. It's all about what is LOGICAL.

Bringing your wife flowers for no reason is not logical. Buying expensive jewelry because it's pretty is not logical. Telling her that she's beautiful today when you already said it last week is not logical.

I'm pretty sure that I'm not the only one married to someone who just doesn't “get it” when it comes to beauty, spontaneity, and going the extra mile for a big gesture of love. So how do you get a guy like this to engage in romance in your marriage?

Here's what I've learned from my marriage to a Vulcan:

Take the lead. It does not occur to my husband to create a romantic environment for date night or lovemaking. Since I am the one who craves romance more — although he enjoys it — I merely take it upon myself to set the scene. I light the candles, I turn on the music, I pour the bubble bath, or whatever. Putting forth a little effort can create an atmosphere where the only instruction left is “Simply Add Water Hubby.”

Ask for romance. I need to hear that I am beautiful, that my husband desires me, that he loves me. Sometimes he forgets that. I used to be hurt by the omission. But after several years of marriage, I realized that my husband doesn't gush about his mother either, and she is downright heroic to him.

Rather than feeling injured by his inattention, I invite his attention. For instance, I can put on my sexy nightie or nudie and ask, “So what do you think?” Or say, “You know what I like about your body?” and go through a list, followed by “What do you like about mine?”  I have now opened the floor for him to express what I need to hear.

Establish routines. I had a friend whose husband's lack of affection was hurting her feelings. She finally told him, “I need you to kiss me before you leave for work and kiss me when you get home.” It became their routine. Was it forced at first? Yeah, a little. But now it's something they both enjoy — a romantic tradition.

Routines can be great for both of you. Demanding lots of spontaneous romance from a non-romantic guy is like mounting a Mount Everest expedition with a few Kit-Kat bars in your pack; don't get your hopes up. Asking your honey to introduce a romantic routine into your relationship, though, is predictable and tangible — something he can put on a to-do list and check off. Perhaps the routine is a kiss or a hug at a certain time. Perhaps he takes on planning a date or a vacation for the two of you on a special day each year (giving him plenty of time to prepare). Perhaps the routine is that he undresses you in particular way, noting as he goes all the beautiful parts of your body. Just make the romantic tradition something achievable for him and enjoyable to you.

Remember your hubby loves you. When your best friend tells you how her romantic hubby swept her off her feet with a surprise trip to a mountain cabin where he cooked her favorite meal, serenaded her with his guitar, and sprinkled the bed with rose petals before making love to her, you may wonder why your husband doesn't love you like that.

While I encourage husbands to up their game when it comes to the romance department, some guys are amazing at it and some guys aren't. Whether he has natural wooing talent is not related to how much he loves you.

Plenty of non-romantic guys would respond to "Do you love your wife?" with an unequivocal “Of course.” In fact, it isn't logical to Mr. Spock to restate the obvious over and over. So ask your husband to tell you and to show you, and when he follows through, remember that he is outside his comfort zone in expressing the love for you that is well within his comfort zone. He loves you like crazy; he just needs cues to know how to demonstrate that love.

Enjoy the surprises. Because my guy isn't a hard-core romantic, I revel in those times when he goes above and beyond. For a recent birthday, my husband wrote me a love poem. A love poem! If you knew this guy — which you do if you ever watched the original Star Trek — you'd know how big a deal that is. I was on Cloud 9½ for the next month.

We wives should all enjoy the romance our husbands bring to marriage, but when it's not your guy's thing, those moments are super-sweet. Instead of thinking, “I wish he would do this more often,” just enjoy the moment. Bask in it. Know how hard it was for him to make that effort, and how much that means he loves you.

For the hubbies reading this post, make the effort. Go the extra mile. Woo your wife. If you don't know what to do, ask your sister or her sister; ask a group of female co-workers what they like from their hubbies; seek ideas online (The Romantic Vineyard and The Generous Wife have date night suggestions).

For you Trekkies, here's proof that even Spock can be romantic (from "All Our Yesterdays").

Meanwhile, wives, do what you can to introduce the romance you want into your marriage. Your husband likely won't be as romantic as the hunk in the latest chick flick romance. He doesn't have a screenwriting team to come up with all of that for him. He's on his own. So help him out.

I can honestly say from my life with Spock that melding minds is far outweighed by melding hearts when we make the extra effort. (Plus, aren't those pointy ears kind of cute?)

Movies to Inspire Romance

Sometimes we need a little inspiration to get our romantic fervor going. While we want to engage in a love connection with our spouse, the daily doldrums can distract us from concentrating fully on God’s gift of marital bliss.

My first suggestion would be to read the Song of Solomon (also known as the Song of Songs) from the Bible. It is amazing that God has ensured that this book remains in His Holy Word, as it is a celebration of married love and intimacy.

But if you’re looking for a date night in, try watching a romantic movie together and see if you don’t get a bit inspired to delight in your spouse’s body and soul. I have a few recommendations listed below.

I tried to avoid the usual “chick flicks” that the gals would love but that turn men’s stomachs. If you want to kill the mood between you and hubby, suggest that he give up two hours of perfectly good sports-viewing time to watch a tear-jerker film in which the namby-pamby man woos his woman with flowers, poems, and lengthy “communication.” Try something that both of you will enjoy instead!

Don Juan DeMarco (1994, PG-13). Starring Marlon Brando, Johnny Depp, and Faye Dunaway, this film tells the story of a young man who believes himself to be the greatest lover in the world, Don Juan, and the psychiatrist who is tasked to cure him. The plot of Don Juan and his romantic escapades is humorous, but the great story here is between Brando and Dunaway as husband and wife rekindling their own romance.

Fireproof (2008, PG). A firefighter knows how to save lives, but can he save his failing marriage? He takes a 40-day challenge called The Love Dare to try to turn things around. This film was made by Sherwood Pictures, a ministry of Sherwood Baptist Church, and stars Kirk Cameron in the lead role. I highly recommend this movie.

It Happened One Night (1934). This is a classic film with Clark Gable and Claudette Colbert in which a reporter helps a spoiled heiress running from her family. He’s looking for a big story but manages to get something much more.

A Knight’s Tale (2001, PG-13). The brilliance of this film is that it doesn’t take itself too seriously. A commoner fakes knighthood to win the tournament prize and the heart of his dream gal. The best part of this movie may be Paul Bettany, who turns in an amazing performance as Chaucer. Heath Ledger plays the faux knight.

Ladyhawke (1985, PG-13). A couple cursed to spend their lives close together yet worlds apart come in contact with a thief who might be able to help them break the spell. This fantasy tale appeals to both men and women. Rutger Hauer, Michelle Pfeiffer, and Matthew Broderick star.

The Mummy (1999, PG-13). An English librarian working in Egypt, played by Rachel Weisz, wishes to find the ancient city of Hamunaptra. She enlists the help of an American in the French foreign legion, played by Brendan Frasier, and they accidentally awaken a mummy at the archeological dig. Yes, there are some creepy parts, but a sweet romance as well.

Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl (2003, PG-13). A blacksmith, Will Turner, wishes to save his love from undead pirates. He enlists the help of the unorthodox Jack Sparrow, a former colleague of the pirates. Johnny Depp, Orlando Bloom, and Keira Knightly go against the villainous Geoffrey Rush.

Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981, PG). This film is on my Top 10 list. Indiana Jones is an archaeologist tasked with finding the Ark of the Covenant before the Nazis do. He enlists the help of former girlfriend, Marian Ravenwood, who is tough in her own right. Starring Harrison Ford and Karen Black and directed by Steven Spielberg.

Romancing the Stone (1984, PG). Kathleen Turner stars as romance novelist Joan Wilder, who writes about adventures but has yet to live any. When her sister falls into trouble in Columbia, Wilder is forced to come to her rescue and hire a rough-edged scoundrel, played by Michael Douglas, to help her. Guess what happens?

The Quiet Man (1952, TV-G). John Wayne and Maureen O’Hara star in this movie about a former boxer from America who falls in love with a girl in Ireland and faces down his demons to be the man he needs to be. If you’re having trouble getting your husband to watch a romantic film, surely the words “John Wayne” would reel him in!

While You Were Sleeping (1995, PG). A lonely young woman fosters a crush on a handsome businessman she sees every day while collecting subway tolls. When he falls into a coma, she is mistaken for his girlfriend and thrust into the arms of his family. She must decide whether her dream guy is who she really wants or if someone less obvious has captured her heart instead.

I chose only films rated G, PG, or PG-13. Some of the above films, however, have language, violence, etc. Moreover, not all sexual relationships occur within marriage; if I could convince Hollywood to change that tomorrow, I would!

If you wish to check the content beforehand, you can get information on most movies through the websites from Focus on the Family's Plugged In or Common Sense Media. If you want more Movie Night ideas, check out suggestions from The Generous Wife and her readers HERE. These aren’t specifically romantic, but there are some great films mentioned.

Do you have any suggestions to add to my list?

Godly Sex Is Complex

I received a comment to my Sex and the Pity post a couple of weeks ago. Its message was a poignant one. I want to share it with you and then respond.

From Anonymous:

"I love your posts. I read them because this is an area I am working on in my marriage. But sometimes I feel like you over-simplify. No, I've never had an orgasm while folding laundry either, but I also rarely have them during sex, quite frankly, and neither do many other women. At least at the end of doing laundry I feel a sense of worth. At the end of sex I just feel fat, ugly, conquered, vulnerable in a bad way... So yes, it's a chore: it's a 'routine and unpleasant task.' My husband can be cruel in many ways. I have begged him to stop. I have prayed that he would stop. Then I prayed that God would change me- that I could be more resilient and more patient and loving with him. Some women would say that I married the 'wrong man,' but I know that when I said, 'I do' before God that I made a life-long commitment to him being the 'right man.' Interestingly, all the Christian marriage books say that more sex will make your husband the man you want him to be. But I've given up on him  hanging and now just pray that I can be a woman who can withstand his behavior and protect our children from the damage. It's just not always as simple as you make it to be."

My response to Anonymous: I agree. I do simplify things because to cover the complexities of having a fulfilling, long-term, God-honoring sex life with your mate requires more than the 500-1000 words I try to keep it down to each post. So I hit at THIS one time and THAT another, hoping that each post will touch someone out there wanting information, struggling, or needing encouragement. My heart genuinely goes out to spouses who have been hurt in area of sexual intimacy in their marriage.

In one way, sex is simple. Intercourse requires inserting Tab A into Slot B, remove, and repeat.

But a healthy sexual relationship requires much, much more. However, I believe that barriers to a healthy relationship primarily exist in one of three areas.

Unhealthy Attitude. The issue that Anonymous brings up in stating that her husband can be cruel and won't stop highlights his bad attitude. In fact, this is where healthy sex MUST begin. You can hear oodles and oodles of fabulous fixes and techniques, but if one spouse approaches the other and marital intimacy with an unhealthy attitude, such ideas won't bring about a fulfilling relationship.

The biggest barrier to a good attitude is self. It can be the self-pleasuring of a mate who spends hours looking at online pornography, the self-focus of being too tired or too body conscious to make love, or the self-preservation instinct of someone who was molested in their childhood years. Yes, this is a wide range of issues, but a healthy sexual relationship must begin with prioritizing relational intimacy above one's self. Let me be clear: These are not all selfishess, but they are about self. For some, putting the marriage first means a simple attitude adjustment; for others it requires deep self-examination or therapy to heal from a painful history.

Perhaps the toughest situations I hear about are those in which one spouse has worked hard to have a great attitude toward sexual intimacy in marriage and the other one is a selfish blockhead (as described by the commenter). No amount of sex education will make make him a terrific lover because godly sexuality isn't ultimately about arousal or orgasm; it's about expressing and fostering mutual intimacy through deep physical contact.

Specific Sexual Problems. Some people want to have a better sex life, but they have specific issues that need to be addressed. Perhaps a spouse has low desire, difficulty with arousal, a pornography addiction, physical exhaustion, interrupting kids, a lack of knowledge about the human body, etc. There is a myriad of barriers to a fulfilling sex life that have to do with addressing something specific in the person or the relationship.

At times, I have dealt with such issues, such as sex hurting or mistreatment in your past. Many problems can be tackled with awareness and effort. Yet, some require the intervention of a counselor or physician. The first step here is being able to identify what problems you have in your specific relationship. Your marriage is not exactly like anyone else's. However, for just about every specific problem, there is a fix. It may be a quick tweak or a long-term program to get things right, but there are couples everywhere who have overcome all kinds of difficulties to become sexually intimate and satisfied in their marriage.

I encourage you not to give up on working toward something better. I have known some wives whose physicians dismissed their inability to become aroused, to which I would say, "Find another physician." Look for answers. Find help. Making your sex life a priority means trying to tackle the barriers to marital intimacy.

Failure to Nurture. Having planted the seed of a good attitude toward marital sexuality and then seeing sprouts come up as you deal with specific problems, married couples cannot simply relax and expect to reap a neverending harvest of sexual satisfaction. Intimacy must be nurtured.

Couples must make time to engage in sexuality; if they don't, work, household, children, church activities, friends, recreation, and more will crowd it out. You must stay in communication with each other about what you want from your sex life - which may change. What felt great five years ago to your mate may not be the same now. Moreover, physical changes in your body (pregnancy, age, etc.) may present challenges that need to be dealt with.

We need to remind ourselves of the importance of sexuality and make efforts to deal with issues that crop up over time. We need to keep our attitude toward our spouse and our marital intimacy where it should be.

Thus, information and encouragement, as well as knowing and applying the Word of God to your sex life, can help substantially. If you wistfully recall your first year of marriage being a veritable sex feast and simply sit around and wonder what happened to the delicious goodies, then you will never achieve the long-term marital intimacy God desires for you. You must nurture your relationship, and that nurturing will look different in different seasons.

So yeah, it's complicated. Godly sex is complex. Because there are so many ways in which Satan attacks us in our sexual lives - with poor attitudes, annoying and serious problems, and complacency.

Since I - and no other author, speaker, therapist, etc. - can see directly into your sex life, it is up to the married couple to figure out where the barriers are and how they want to move past them. I will be here to deliver information, support, a little humor, and prayers that husbands and wives out there will work on their intimacy and discover God's beautiful gift of sexuality in marriage.

Those of you who continue to struggle pierce my heart and make me fall to my knees. I know that our Heavenly Father wants to the best for His beloved children, and that includes you. It is my sincere hope that my blog helps to shine light on the blessings our Lord has for us.

More Candid Conversation about Masturbation

On Monday, Julie Sibert of Intimacy in Marriage and I tackled questions about masturbation in marriage. This is a controversial topic at times with people on both extremes of “Why not?” and “Heck no!” I could be considered somewhere in the middle.

I believe godly sexuality in marriage is focused on one another. If masturbation supports mutual intimacy, it can have a role; if it's self-focused, not so much. But read on. Julie and I continue our conversation about masturbation today with more Q&A.

To try to keep our answers straight, I have labeled myself “HH&H" this time and Julie Sibert simply “Julie."

Is there such a thing as “too much” masturbation?

HH&H: Yes, of course! First of all, if you're touching yourself right now as you read this, stop it! Now! (Just kidding.)

God created sexuality between a husband and wife in great part for intimacy. I assure you that there are no references to getting off in the Song of Songs. If self-stimulation is used as part of mutual pleasure and is a tag-along to intercourse (the driver), it can increase intimacy.

All too often, though, masturbation is a substitute for being vulnerable with your spouse, taking the necessary time to learn one another's bodies to achieve orgasm, and engaging in intercourse. Moreover, masturbation is often tied to pornography – a definite no-no.

Listen, no spouse wants to be married to someone with his hand in his pants half the time. So how much is too much? If you're asking that question, you may have crossed the line.

Julie: Absolutely. There’s also such a thing as too much wine, too much TV viewing and too much “triple-chocolate delight” ice cream.

Anytime something has become an idol on your heart or an obsession or an addiction – well that’s too much!

If a couple has agreed that masturbation is okay within their marriage, then certainly they need good dialogue about this. They need to feel safe expressing any concerns they have. They need the freedom to say, “I was fine with this at one point, but now I’m not fine with it. Can we talk about this?” They need to hold each other accountable.

Open. Honest. Dialogue.

What if my spouse wants to masturbate but I find this disturbing or wrong?

HH&H: Express that you are concerned about your spouse's masturbation. Don't make judgmental comments; those bring out the armor and shield defenses. Ask why your spouse is masturbating. Are they not fulfilled in your sex life? Do they want greater sexual frequency? Are they unable to reach climax together? Is masturbation related to a pornography problem?

Then deal with the underlying issue. If your spouse is not sated in the bedroom and uses masturbation to substitute for sexual intimacy with you, discuss the problem. Once again, focus on the positives of what you want your sex life to be in your marriage. How can you help?

If the problem is beyond your ability to tackle it, get help. For example, if your husband is engaged in pornography and masturbation instead of making love to you, you may need to talk to your pastor or a counselor. If your wife is more interested in her recently purchased sex toy than you, that's also cause for real concern.

At the end of the day, however, remember that the only person you can control is yourself. So if your spouse is masturbating and won't cease, there isn't much you can do. Your part is to be sexually engaged and supportive and to pray.

Julie: This may seem like the obvious answer, but I suggest you share your concerns with your spouse. What one married couple enjoys in their intimacy may be different from what another couple enjoys.

If your spouse wants to masturbate (or if you “catch” them masturbating), I would use it as an opportunity to discuss why they want to masturbate. Truly listen.

This kind of vulnerable dialogue could reveal that your spouse hungers to experience more sex with you and feels rejected that you are not more sexually available.

Or it could be that you and your spouse have different levels of desire and you need to talk more about how to navigate that and arrive at a frequency level that works for both of you.

Or it could be your spouse is struggling with something and is using masturbation as an escape mechanism, rather than dealing directly with the issue.

Or it could be your spouse is viewing pornography and/or masturbation has become addictive. Your goal should be to encourage your spouse toward finding healing and help, not ostracizing them to shame and isolation.

Nurtured communication where both spouses feel safe and heard is so foundational when it comes to great sexual intimacy. I’ve always believed talking is some of the best foreplay around.

For answers to What about the scripture that talks about Onan spilling his sperm? Does that verse reference masturbation? and What about the scripture that refers to people becoming lovers of themselves? Does that verse reference masturbation? click over to Intimacy in Marriage.

One more thing related to masturbation that wasn't asked: Have you ever wondered about the etymology of the word “masturbation”? Well, I'm like that – wanting to know about words and language and stuff. So I looked it up! The word seems to derive from two Latin words meaning “hand” + “defile or shame; or sexual intercourse.” Sure enough, how you interpret that second part tells a lot about your own philosophy of masturbation.

Thanks again to my wonderful friend, Julie Sibert. If you do not regularly read her blog, I suggest subscribing to Intimacy in Marriage. She writes wonderfully and openly about God's blessing of sexuality in marriage.

What other questions do you have about masturbation? What do you believe about this topic and why? Have you struggled with choosing self-stimulation over relationship-building intimacy? Have you incorporated self-stimulation into your marital lovemaking?

Two Wives & Candid Conversation about Masturbation

On a sexuality blog, it should be no surprise that I would eventually get around to discussing masturbation. There are heated opinions all along the continuum from “What's the big deal?” to “Never, never, no, never!” I realize that I'm wading into potentially deep water here.

So what better way to face a possible tidal wave than with a friend? Thus, Julie Sibert of Intimacy in Marriage and I have decided to pair up and deal this touchy topic (no pun intended). We'll brace ourselves and try to withstand the undertow together. We are answering the same nine questions regarding masturbation to see if we can enlighten this subject a bit.

Remember that both Julie and I come from a biblical point of view, but we hope to speak to couples from all backgrounds. My moniker is simply “Me” and my answers are in red, and Julie Sibert is listed as “Her” and her answers are in purple. (Or simply remember that she's the smart one and I'm the snarky one.)

Is it wrong for a married person to masturbate?

Me: First off, I'm going to not allow my love for Cyndi Lauper and the dance-inducing rhythm of “She Bop” to sway my answers (she was good in concert!). That said, I don't believe that is always wrong to masturbate. The purpose of sexuality in marriage is reproduction, intimacy, and pleasure.

While masturbation does nothing for reproduction, it can be incorporated by a couple for intimacy and pleasure. Unfortunately, most masturbation by married persons is not lending itself to those goals but rather hindering or replacing healthy sexuality.

Her: It depends. I’m not just riding the fence on this issue. I truly do believe it depends. There are circumstances where it would definitely be wrong for a married person to masturbate.

In particular, it would be wrong if they are doing it to withhold sexually from their spouse, if it has become an idol on their heart or it has become addictive, if they are doing it while visualizing someone other their spouse, if they are doing it while viewing pornographic or explicit material, and/or if they are doing it secretly – meaning they are purposely hiding the activity from their spouse.

Additionally, if one spouse has specifically asked the other spouse to not masturbate, then it would be dishonorable, hurtful and disrespectful to ignore this request, in my opinion.

So obviously there are reasons – many reasons – when it would be wrong for a married person to masturbate.

Are visualization and fantasy always part of masturbation?

Me: I have heard through the grapevine that men cannot climax without conjuring up a visual image of a woman. Yet, my two direct sources of information (thanks, guys) say that it is difficult but not impossible. Moreover, is it a problem if the husband is imagining his wife?

I think it's definitely possible for a woman to masturbate without thinking about a specific guy (yes, gals get to it as well). However, women may imagine another man without a specific picture in their head – like words another man said or that titillating thing the hunky guy in the romance novel did when he brought the main character to climax.

Yet, if visualization and fantasy are a part of masturbation, they must focus on the marriage partner, not the muscle-rippling actor or curvy actress in the last movie you caught.

Her: Usually when people have strong opinions against masturbation, this is one of the main arguments they stand upon – that it is impossible for someone to masturbate without visualizing someone else.

This usually then is translated that the visualized fantasy involves a person or people other than one’s spouse (or that it always involves the viewing of pornography).

I understand the concern, but I question the absolute nature of the argument.

In other words, I think there are plenty of women who would argue they could masturbate without thinking of anything but the pleasure itself (Yes, women masturbate). And while I do think fewer men would be able to say the same thing, it’s a stretch to say it’s impossible that a man cannot masturbate without visualization.

And the argument totally disregards the possibility that a married person masturbating could be fantasizing about their own spouse in a completely healthy and honoring way.

For example, is it wrong for a man away on business to masturbate while fantasizing about his wife, who he loves and adores? I don’t think that’s wrong, especially if they’ve had open discussion as a couple and have found that masturbation in these circumstances strengthens their closeness.

Are there circumstances in which masturbation would be beneficial to a marriage?

Me: Knowing that plenty will disagree, I say yes. Self-pleasure can be incorporated into a couple's lovemaking; for instance, a husband may penetrate his wife while she stimulates herself and the result is an orgasm they both enjoy greatly. That increases, not detracts, from intimacy and pleasure.

Also, couples apart from each other for long periods of time could talk to each other by phone and use sensual flirtation and self-stimulation to mutually enjoy a time of sexual pleasure. Be careful to ensure privacy with phone sex, though; if your darling kid listens in on the other line or discovers a suggestive picture of mommy on daddy's cell phone, you might find it easier to converse about quantum physics with your children than the inner workings of your marital life.

Her: Absolutely. Certain guidelines, though, need to be met first.

For one thing, a couple needs to agree that they both are comfortable with when and why the masturbation is happening, that it is not being done to withhold from a spouse or as an excuse to get out of having sex, and that it truly does endear the couple to each other – not cause distance or strife in the relationship. For great insights on this, definitely trek over to Mrs. Gregoire’s post.

I cringe when I hear a wife suggest something along these lines… “Well, I just assume he take care of it himself. That way I don’t have to have sex with him.” Yuck. This clearly would not be an appropriate use of masturbation, because it is doing nothing to endear the spouses to each other.

I can, though, think of circumstances where masturbation is a positive part of a marriage. What about when a couple is separated by military deployment and either spouse masturbates while fantasizing of their spouse who is far away? What about in the latter stages of pregnancy, where sexual intercourse is uncomfortable and a couple incorporates masturbation into their intimate time together?

I definitely think there are circumstances when masturbation can be beneficial to a marriage.

For answers to What if my spouse cannot adequately bring me to orgasm during lovemaking? Does masturbation have a place during sexual intimacy? and Is it okay for someone to masturbate while their spouse watches, if this is acceptable to both of them and is a turn-on? click over to Intimacy in Marriage.

Thanks so much to my lovely friend, Julie, with whom I have chatted about mommyhood, baseball, and most definitely sexuality! Both of us have a passion for passion – that is, we want to help marriages by addressing sexuality openly and honestly and helping husbands and wives foster marital intimacy.

Be sure to stay tuned for Part 2 at the same hot time, same hot channel on Thursday!

Sex and the Pity

Raise your hand if you love a night of fabulous lovemaking based entirely on the notion that you should be pitied for not having had any in a while. Oh my, I see all of two hands back there! And you two have only ever experienced pity sex from your spouse, so it’s all you know.

There is a better way.

Proposing sex to your husband with “Do you need a release?” or “It’s been a while, I guess we can do it tonight” doesn't cut it. Even if you don’t say something this like aloud, your demeanor might indicate that you are dropping the robe or sliding beneath the covers only out of marital duty. While there is a Bible verse that talks about our sexual obligation to our mate, you choose your attitude in meeting that obligation.

My kids are obligated to do chores around the home. Sometimes, they pop in with a smile and help me out, and sometimes they throw a hissy fit worthy of a 9-1-1 call to the Super Nanny. Either way, they do the chore. The choice of attitude is their own.

Of course, I’m not suggesting that lovemaking is equal to doing laundry (I have not once had an orgasm while folding underwear; go figure!). But the premise of choosing your approach is the same.

If you feel like you're schlepping yourself to the bedroom for a 15-minute inconvenience of physical engagement with your husband, you are treating it like a chore. I would bet that your husband is also not jumping up and down with glee at your arrival. He might engage anyway because it’s all he can get! However, you both miss out on the connection that God desires in gifting us with sexuality in marriage.

So what do you do when you feel more duty and he feels more pity in the bedroom than either of you feel intimacy?

It can at least make
a BIG difference!

Do everything you can to adjust your attitude! Forget the pity, and go for empathy. Empathy is putting yourself into your spouse's shoes, or boxer briefs in this case. Would you want your spouse to grudgingly engage in activities that make you feel loved or take part willingfully and joyfully?

Think about what would make sexual engagement an intimate and thrilling experience. Perhaps you need to clear your schedule; set the mood with music, lighting, and an inviting bed; spend some time preparing yourself with a bubble bath and pretty lingerie; and relax and participate in the lovemaking.

When you make sex a priority for your marriage and plan for it accordingly, you may find that the experience is more enjoyable for you as well. Sex is not an interruption to your day or evening or night. Physical intimacy with your spouse is worth interrupting the rest of your day for.

Save your pity for the stray animals in your neighborhood or the child-actress-turned-addict; they need it! Meanwhile, your husband deserves your love and a fully-engaged wife.

“I belong to my beloved, and his desire is for me. Come, my beloved, let us go to the countryside, let us spend the night in the villages . . . there I will give you my love.”

Song of Solomon 7:10-12

Must It Always Lead to Sex?

We wives ask ourselves this very question at varied times.

After a long day when your shoulder muscles are tight, you ask your hubby to give you a quick massage. He starts rubbing your shoulders, your head falls forward as you “ooh” and “aah” at his firm but gentle touch, and stress begins to ebb from your body . . . until his hands move forward over your shoulders and begin to touch your breasts instead. Next thing you know, the relaxing massage for you has become a titillating experience for him and he's ready and eager to get to the bedroom and massage other parts.

OR

As he comes home, you greet your husband at the door with a fond embrace and a soft-lipped kiss – either because you enjoy his presence or you're thrilled to have reinforcements to handle the rambunctious spawn tearing up your house little by little. The peck was so nice that you extend the kissing with another, deeper, more passionate kiss. Happy to have had your Hollywood movie moment, you're ready to get back to dinner preparations or lock yourself away in your bathroom in a hot bubbly tub. But he has read your cue as “She wants me” and suggests a sexual encounter.

I could give plenty of other examples, but these two will suffice. The point is that wives often feel that any show of affection is immediately interpreted by their husbands as a come-on or a sign of sexual readiness.

Husbands, take note of the two very important rules that follow.

Affection does not lead to sex. Not always. Most women enjoy affection for its own sake. Holding her hand or hugging your wife may make her feel secure not sensual. Kissing her evokes romantic, not necessarily sexual, feelings. We like to sit close, cuddle, stroke our lover's skin, and get massages without the pressure of sexual performance automatically tied to the affection. Most women are more generous with touching and kissing when they feel that it can be enjoyed as its own separate pleasure.

Remember when you were dating? Unless your relationship began with a one-night stand (which I hope it did not, but I don't exclude the possibility), you moved slowly from small touches to grander gestures of affection. Perhaps you recall the first time you held one another's hand or your first kiss – including where you were, what you wore, or what music played in the background. You didn't expect to “get lucky” the first time you touched.

Guess what? You won't get lucky every time you touch just because you're married now. While sex is a fabulous experience, you should also enjoy the small gestures of affection that create a romantic atmosphere, communicate tenderness and like for one another, and foster closeness and emotional security in the marriage.

Affection does lead to sex. Wait, this is the exact opposite. Yes and no. The paradox is that when husbands show affection without strings attached and when intimate gestures become routine and enjoyed for their own sake, it creates the environment in which sexual encounters are far more likely to occur.

Foreplay for women is not merely the 10 to 15 minutes before intercourse; it's what has happened in the last 24 to 72 hours. When a wife feels secure and loved for herself, when she can get a stress-reducing massage that lasts longer than three minutes and doesn't involved a breast-squeeze, she feels connected to her husband and more willing engage sexually with him. Those minor touches and brushes of skin against skin, those tender kisses stolen in the kitchen or the utility room as you work together – they lay the groundwork for the wife to open up with her husband later in the bedroom.

Thus, affection does lead to sex. Just not always right away. It may take fifty minor acts of affection for the wife to equal the kind of sexual interest a husband might have after two seconds of “naked woman emerges from shower.” A wise husband will take time to demonstrate genuine desire for his wife – not simply for her body, but for her - with or without sex in that immediate moment.

I realize, of course, that there are exceptions – wives who want oodles of affection and still won't put out a welcome sign no matter what. They likely have underlying issues which I and other marriage bloggers address in different posts.

But on the whole, courting your wife with affection for its own sake is a smart move, hubbies. You might also discover that you relish kissing her soft, pink lips and holding her curvy body close to yours, just because.

“Greet one another with a kiss of love.” 1 Peter 5:14

What is Intimacy?

Intimacy is a word thrown around quite often by Christian authors and speakers regarding marriage and sexuality. Anytime you choose a word, you hope its meaning is agreed upon by both speaker and audience so that you can effectively convey an idea. Do we agree on what intimacy is?

The Merriam-Webster definition of intimate includes “belonging to or characterizing one's deepest nature,” “marked by very close association, contact, or familiarity,” and “of a very personal or private nature.” None of that specifically denotes sex.

Indeed, wives focus on those words “deepest,” “close,” “association,” “familiarity.” Intimacy describes a connection they feel, or want to feel, with their husbands, which they can often get through conversation and affection.

Meanwhile, when you mention the word intimacy to husbands, plenty of them hear boom-chicka-bow-now in their heads and fixate immediately on SEX. “You want intimacy, wife? Great! Here's the bedroom!”

Who’s right? What is this elusive concept of intimacy? How would God define it? What does intimacy look like in a marriage?

I believe that husbands and wives are describing different parts of the elephant. If you’re not familiar with that analogy, an Indian fable tells of six blind men who wanted to know what an elephant was. One man feeling the elephant’s side described it as a wall, another feeling the tusk declared it like a spear, yet another feeling the trunk said it was like a snake, one more feeling the leg swore it was like a tree, another feeling its ear claimed it was like a fan, and the final one feeling its tail said it was like a rope. They argued who was right. The moral of the story is that they were all correct but failed to merge their images into one complete picture.

Like that elephant, intimacy can be described from different vantage points – mental, emotional, recreational, physical, spiritual and sexual. Intimacy is knowing someone at a deep level.

Marital intimacy is special, however, in that it can include all of these perspectives. In an ideal marriage, a couple shares their thoughts, hopes, dreams, emotions, happiness, and disappointments. They have a mental and emotional connection. They spend time together doing things and touching affectionately so that they have recreational and physical connections. They foster one another’s walk of faith, attending church and praying together, sharing their spiritual struggles and joys and challenging each other toward greater closeness with God. But while we can have intimate friendships with emotional or spiritual connection, it is only with one’s spouse that we are physically fully revealed and connected.

And while you can have a good marriage and be missing a component or two of those listed, if you want a GREAT marriage, you must nurture all of them, including sexuality.

Moreover, sexuality experienced as God intended has all of these elements within it:

Mental – Your minds are focused entirely on one another as you come together.

Emotional – Your time together reflects your feelings of love and desire for one another.

Recreational – Sexual encounters should be pleasurable and fun for both spouses.

Physical – Marital sexuality requires physical effort and attention to physical arousal.

Spiritual – Healthy sexuality in marriage becomes transcendent in some ways, as you experience a connectedness that is blessed by the Father himself. A sexual climax can feel like a peek at heaven in some ways. I don’t want to overstate this because of course I don’t know what heaven is like, and eternity with God will surpass anything we experience here on earth. But that sense of connection and complete pleasure does smack of what I expect to experience one day. Surely, some of you relate to this sensation.

So when I and others discuss marital intimacy, I hope that you hear more than simply sex or connection because it goes beyond that. "Marital intimacy” goes beyond regular “intimacy” because it happens within the bonds of marriage as God intended, and it goes beyond “marital sex” which may or may not involve deeper connectedness with your mate. Intimacy is a deep knowledge of your spouse that encompasses several aspects, builds your marriage, and honors the Creator.

How do you define intimacy in your marriage? What makes you feel intimate with your spouse? Do you feel that sense of intimacy when you make love in your marriage? How does sexuality have a mental, emotional, recreational, physical, or spiritual component for you?

Sex for Dogs and Duos

I told myself I would not write about this, but I cannot resist.

A French company has come out with a sex toy for dogs. It's called the Hot Doll, is described as the "1st sex toy and companion for your dog," and its slogan is "for trendy dogs only." Lest you think I am making it up:

The product comes in black and a white, in case your pup has a preference. (By the way, poor Tchaikovsky must be turning over in his grave from the use of his Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy in this ad.)

I shall begin with the caveat that I have never owned a dog. However, if I did have a dog, I cannot imagine a scenario in which I would purchase my mutt a sex toy. When I heard about the Hot Doll, I wasn't sure whether to laugh, shake my head, or scream, “What is wrong with you people!”

A sex toy for dogs represents exactly how far the world has moved away from normality to sensationalism. Is there a limit to our fascination with sexuality? Is there a point at which we have gone too far to provide stimulation for sexually-charged individuals? Could it be when those individuals are dogs?

What renders this a worthy topic is that it is sad to provide a substitute for what God designed, even to a dog. If your pet desires to copulate, it is because God has given him a natural inclination to engage with another dog and reproduce a litter of puppies. (You know, those cute, furry puppies that you will be begging other people to give homes to while your children attempt to name and adopt them all before you can get them out the door.)

Our society has done a lot to make sex a solitary activity. We are encouraged to partake in pornography, erotica, masturbation, sex toys, and other forms of personal pleasure without the presence of a partner. People who scratch their heads at the craziness of a dog sex toy often don't see any problem with visiting a strip club or watching an adult movie in a hotel room on a business trip.

Think about it: Humans have been treating themselves like these dogs for a long time – seeking sexual pleasure outside of a relationship. After all, you and your dog can climax without a mate.

But that isn't how God designed sexuality! Sex is an undertaking for TWO. Now while Fido may be happy to engage with any willing pooch, humans should seek physical intimacy in the committed bonds of marriage. God designed sexuality to be a satisfying experience between a husband and wife which may produce children and will foster deeper connection. If you do incorporate tools or toys into your lovemaking, it should be for your mutual pleasure.

Next time you consider taking care of your sexual needs entirely by yourself, put this image in your head:

Ask yourself if sex is really supposed to be a solitary undertaking. If God wanted Spot, Rex, and Benji to mate in duos, why would He want anything less for you? In fact, He desires more. Which is why God gave us marriage with love and a lifetime commitment.

Put away whatever you're using as a Hot Doll and sidle up to your real-life Hot Honey. Make your sexuality part of an intimate relationship. It may take more work initially, but the rewards in closeness are worth the effort.

And for heaven's sake, do not buy that product for your canine. Let your man's best friend defile the bow-headed mini-poodle down the street (I'm sure the neighbors won't mind a few puppies) or get him fixed. I'm just sayin'.