High Standards, Low Expectations: A Plan for 2012



Pic from bridefinds.com

I have come to believe that a key to happiness is having high standards and low expectations. Let me explain.

A standard is a rule, principle, or requirement. It's where you set the bar. In marriage, I have chosen to set the bar high. God sets the bar high. That verse, "Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect" (Matthew 5:48)? God realizes you'll never get there, but the standard of perfection, sinlessness, unselfish sacrifice, and perfect First-Corinthians-13 love is out there. It's what we aim for.

Too many couples settle for less than what God desires for them. They have decided that their relationship will never be terrific, that no one will love them fully, that sexuality will be ho-hum, that the goal of life is to just get through and hope that the afterlife makes up for what this one lacked.

Instead, I would challenge you to set a higher standard. In the area I write about - sexuality - aim for exciting, fulfilling, connecting intimacy with your spouse. If you don't currently have a high desire, believe that there is an answer to increasing it. If you have struggled with your sexual past, believe that healing can come. If pornography has invaded your marriage, believe that it can be shown the door. If your spouse doesn't find you attractive (or vice versa), believe that you can rekindle that fire. If you haven't had an orgasm, believe that you will.

Is it easy to achieve all of your dreams? Of course not. But if you aim at nothing, you will hit it with remarkable accuracy every time (Zig Ziglar). If you decide that you want something better and you are willing to make an effort, seek answers, get help, and work toward a more fulfilling life, you will likely hit the target on at least some of your goals. If every year you resolved to make your marital sex life better, imagine how good it could get over time!

And now comes part two of my theory - low expectations. To expect something is to regard it as likely to happen. If you write AMAZING SEX LIFE on a target, do not expect to hit a bull's-eye the first time - or the second time. High standards are great, but if you pair them with high expectations, you will probably be disappointed.

For one thing, a great marriage takes a lot of intentionality and work (for all but a few super-blessed couples). We are flawed human beings with selfishness, personal scars, defensiveness, and misperceptions. We can make amazing progress toward our goals, but we usually get there with baby steps. Still, a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step (ancient Chinese proverb).

Second, you can only control yourself. You can suggest to your spouse to work on communication, finances, or sexuality in your marriage, but you cannot make your spouse do what you want like a remote-controlled robot. You can pray that their sexual desire will increase, that they will take care of their body, that they will stop watching sports over your shoulder while you copulate. However, there are no guarantees.

In fact, if you lower your expectations of your mate, you become more aware of the small improvements. Sure, you're not there yet, but you're moving in the right direction. Standing in long lines for the roller coaster at an amusement park, the waiting is bearable because you can look around and see how far you've moved. Maybe you're not in the front with your hands up and screaming as your coaster car takes that first dive, but you have made progress and know the fulfillment of your wish to ride the roller coaster is coming soon.

By the way, I am not suggesting that you lower your expectations to the point of letting your spouse abuse you in any way. Those aren't lowered expectations; they are no expectations at all. It is a reasonable expectation to receive humane treatment in your own marriage. I'm talking about not drawing your attention to every flaw in your mate.

So that's the goal I suggest to couples in pursuing better sexuality in marriage for 2012:

Higher standards - knowing that our Heavenly Father loves His children and wants the best for them; and

Lower expectations - knowing that marriage and life are marathons, not sprints.

What do you think? What are your desires for your marriage - and specifically, your marital intimacy - for 2012?

The Wonderful Male Body

Ooh, pretty!

I've taken some flack about a post I wrote some time ago (The One-Eyed Snake) about how wives do not typically find male genitalia at first to be, well, pretty. We are perhaps more likely to admire the beauty of a pair of Christian Louboutin shoes than a penis.

I wish to apologize to those who read my post and felt that I was encouraging distaste for the male body. Such was never my intention. In fact, at the end of the post, I encourage women to appreciate their husband's body - all of it. Yet, I need to take responsibility for what I said since it came across that way to more than one reader.

Indeed, if you were to interview my husband and ask what his wife thinks of his tool set, I'm pretty sure he'd say I'm very interested in seeing, touching, and otherwise handling it. (After drafting this post, I mentioned it to him. His words: "She can't keep her hands off my tools!" Er...) Isn't this a paradox? To me, it isn't. But I want to clarify what I believe about the male body and how I recommend wives view their husbands' bodies.


Men have physically appealing bodies. I stated in my original article that the experiment with Playgirl magazine never took off with women because staring at an unfamiliar guy's private parts isn't all that appealing to women. I still think that's generally true. However, if you're a Twitter user, you might be aware of the hashtag #mancandy. (NO, don't go there; I mention it only as an example.) Still, it's not hard to find pictures, posters, and magazines that feature men with their shirts off, their muscles taut, and their eyes and smiles sporting that "Come hither" look. Anyone else remember the Diet Coke guy commercials? Hello! Women find men attractive.

The male body is quite different from the female body. On average, men are 10-15% larger and 30% stronger. They are taller and have a greater muscle mass to body ratio and more upper body strength. They possess thicker skin (literally) and more body hair. They have stronger bones and larger vocal chords (Adam's apple). Even the skull shape of a man is different from a woman. The male skeleton also has a narrower pelvic opening, meaning that his hip bones are differently aligned.

All of these variations make the male physique intriguing. Most women enjoy gazing at a attractive man's body lines, muscles, strong chin with stubbly shadow or full beard, height, and so on. The male body appeals to the female sight - even if God didn't wire us as visually as men.

Men's bodies are potent. The features mentioned above and the male role in sexuality mean that husbands' bodies are potent. The male body's appeal is to some extent based on its ability to get the job done - whatever that job is. Husbands have traditionally been providers, fighters, protectors, roach and spider killers, and leaders. In the bedroom, they often take the lead (which I believe is good, although turning-the-tables can be a treat as well). Husbands penetrate their wives. God made men potent. Their bodies demonstrate that. And such potency appeals to women.

Synonyms for "potent" are "effective, powerful, forceful." I have likened my husband's private anatomy to a power tool. At first, a drill isn't a particularly exciting sight. But if you build a lot and learn about tools, you can start drooling over the new power drill that has greater potency and utility than any other on the market. Find a car buff and ask him about a particular car, and he might go on and on about all of its fabulous features and practically hyperventilate over the car's beauty. For a personal example, sometimes I get downright giddy about a font.

In a great sexual relationship, wives appreciate their husband's potency, and the male genitalia over time becomes more and more attractive because of the wonderful talent is has. It becomes a thing of great beauty.

Statue at Staglieno Cemetery, Genoa

Men's bodies should be appreciated. Wives should tell husbands what they love about their bodies. In the same way that women like to hear how beautiful they are, men want to hear that they are desired. God has designed us to find one another attractive and to express that in marriage.

In the Song of Songs (aka Song of Solomon), the husband is not the only one to describe how beautiful he finds his mate. His wife spills poetic as well. Read for yourself (5:10-16):

My lover is radiant and ruddy, 
outstanding among ten thousand.
His head is purest gold; 
his hair is wavy
and black as a raven.
His eyes are like doves
by the water streams,
washed in milk,
mounted like jewels. 
His cheeks are like beds of spice
yielding perfume.
His lips are like lilies
dripping with myrrh. 
His arms are rods of gold
set with chrysolite.
His body is like polished ivory
decorated with sapphires.
His legs are pillars of marble
set on bases of pure gold.
His appearance is like Lebanon,
choice as its cedars. 
His mouth is sweetness itself;
he is altogether lovely.
This is my lover, this my friend,
O daughters of Jerusalem.

Wow. Wives should express what they find appealing about their husbands - including their genitalia. By itself, it may not be the prettiest thing you've ever seen, but in concert with your husband's body, it is a complete package that can be irresistible. Face it, wives: Your husband is a hunk. Tell him so.

from Zazzle.com

Wives can learn to love all the parts of their husbands' bodies. The first time I saw a penis, it was - sorry to say, in my opinion - weird. I truly didn't know what it was going to look like. I had some vague idea about its cylindrical shape, and that's about it. I still think it's kind of odd the way God created both male and female genitalia. (For the record, I don't think the gal parts are especially gorgeous either.)

However, our private parts are unlike anything else. And when you experience a great sex life with your spouse, you come to appreciate all of the parts of your lover's body. I delight in every single freckle and mole on my husband's body because they are his, I get to see and touch them, and they remind me of our special intimacy. Likewise, wives can learn to love all the parts of their husbands' bodies - for their physical attractiveness, their potency, their reminder of our closeness, and their fun.

If a wife hasn't learned to love everything, perhaps she needs to study her husband's body. For instance, take a bath or shower together and soap up all of his parts for him. Suggest spending an extended time of lovemaking in touching and kissing all over his body. Grab some lotion or oil and massage all of him, kneading your fingers through each section of his body.

Consider that God has knit your husband together, and he is "fearfully and wonderfully made" (Psalm 139:13,14). God doesn't do bad work. In fact, when He created everything else in creation, He said it was "good." Only after He created male and female did He call His creation "very good."

I still don't want to see the penis of some guy I don't know. Period. (What was Anthony Weiner thinking?) But my husband's body is a beautiful gift from God. I hope that every wife can appreciate her husband's body . . . and tell him so.

"How handsome you are, my lover!
Oh, how charming!
And our bed is verdant."

Song of Songs 1:16

Quick Note: I will be taking a break on Thursday, December 29. Back on Monday, January 2. Happy New Year!

A Song of Songs Christmas

Wishing you a wonderful Christmas. Click play to view my card to all of you.

You have my prayers for a safe and enjoyable season.

3 Practical Tips for a Sexier You

Have you ever noticed that body image is an issue for us gals? If we don't feel sexy, we don't want to have sex.

But short of spa treatments, a personal trainer, or plastic surgery, what's a lady to do when she wants to feel better about the beautiful body God gave her? You know, that body with love handles, wrinkles, varicose veins, or whatever.

Here are three things I've discovered that make me feel much better about myself - and they are pretty easy to do.

Exercise. I am not talking personal trainer, although if you have the money to spend, go right ahead. I mean being more active. For some, that may involve training to run a marathon; if so, good for you! For normal people like me who believe that long-distance running is only worthwhile when being chased by a persistent grizzly bear, it may mean aerobics, hiking, swimming, lifting weights, etc. If you're looking for a physical activity that suits you, Buzzle.com has some pretty good lists.

Run, walk, or whatever. Get moving!

Among 7 Benefits of Physical Activity are improved mood, more energy, better sleep, and spark in your sex life. According to Mayo Clinic, "Regular physical activity can lead to enhanced arousal for women. And men who exercise regularly are less likely to have problems with erectile dysfunction than are men who don't exercise." Well, okay then.

Exercise also helps control weight and tone muscles, meaning that we ladies will be sporting prettier bodies to show off to the hubby.

Looking good, feeling good, arousing good . . . what's not to like about those results?

Still, it's hard to get started if you haven't been moving much. Yet adding exercise a few times a week for 30 minutes or more isn't too much ask, especially when you'll feel sexier in the long run. Try Dustin Riechmann and Tony DiLorenzo's Fit Marriage if you're looking for an exercise program you can do with or without your spouse; their plan requires 30 minutes, 5 days a week.

Well-fitting clothes. It's a fact that a lot of you are wearing garments that are either the wrong size or do not flatter your body type. And you are much more beautiful than that! Whatever your personal style, there are clothes to enhance your best features and play down the ones you're not so crazy about.

Have thunder thighs? Don't wear skinny jeans. Arm fat? No sleeveless blouses. Muffin top? No tissue-thin stretchy tees. You get my point. Dress Your Body Type and other sites have tips for knowing what will look best on you.

Before & After from What Not to Wear
with Mayim Bialik, the actress best known as Blossom or
as Amy Farrah Fowler on The Big Bang Theory

Also get out of the rut of thinking "I'm a size 12." You may be a size 12 in some brands and a size 16 in others. You want something that fits, no matter what the number or letter on the tag says. You're the only one who sees that tag anyway. Since t-shirts have gotten smaller (have you noticed that?!), I've gone up a full size when buying. I want clothes that fit me, not an American Doll collection.

One more point here. Get a professional to help you determine your bra size. A well-fitting bra can make a big difference in how you feel about those beauties gracing your chest. If you're especially small or large-breasted, you may need to hunt down places that carry your size and pay more for your bras or watch for sales. Most department and lingerie stores will help you figure out the best size and style to make you look and feel good about your shape.

Posture. Did you ever think this would be on my list? However, posture has a huge impact in how you feel about yourself. Standing and sitting up straight not only relieves tension on your back and shoulders, but aligns your body parts in an attractive way. Look at celebrities when they appear on talk shows. Do they slump in their chairs?

The best way I've heard to create good posture is to imagine that you have a string running from your tailbone up through your spine and out the top of your head. Imagine pulling on that string to tighten it. Then take a deep breath and exhale completely. Your torso will stretch up and your shoulders will fall back and down. By the way, your back will not be completely straight with good posture; you have natural curves in your back which need to remain there.

Pic from Fitness for Life

When you have good posture, your tummy is tucked in, your chest is pushed out, and you feel relaxed. You show off the best you and appear more confident . . . and sexy. In fact, I had a male friend in college state that a woman's sex appeal is most tied to how she carries herself. I think there's something to that. I certainly know that I do not look my best slouched on the couch with potato chip crumbs littering my tummy pouch.

There you go: My 3 practical tips for a sexier you! Because when you feel better about how you look, you can strut into that bedroom with hubby and say, "You are lucky to have gorgeous me, and you are going to get lucky tonight."

He can strut later when the two of you are done. (Some guys do seem to swagger, don't they?)

So what are your tips for feeling better about your body? How do you help yourself feel sexy?

Where Should I Look during Sex?

It's a simple question, right? Where should I focus my eyes during lovemaking with my spouse?

Okay, guys, stop snickering. You don't really have this issue of where to look because you are ogling your gal's body from top to bottom. I think it's hard-wired into you.

However, as a member of the more complicated female gender, I have wondered at times where I should look during The Act. All too often, I have opted for the eyes-closed version of sexual activity.

Now eyes-closed has its place in the bedroom, of course. Sometimes closing one's eyes allows a wife to block out external distractions and focus on her body's sensations - one of the keys, in my opinion, to having an orgasm.

Yet, there is something to be said for taking in the lovemaking with all five senses fully engaged. You can't really block smell, so that's already happening. (Sniffing to get a fuller whiff will probably make your spouse worry that you are transforming into a werewolf, so don't go there.) Touch is an automatic feature of physical intimacy. And unless you have earphones on (why would you?), you can hear what's happening. Adding a little background music as a soundtrack can be a good idea too. Kissing and licking means you also taste the experience.

But sight? We can choose to engage that sense or not. Here are a few places you might want to try looking. See what you think.

His eyes. This assumes, of course, that you are facing one another. So when you are, take some time to look into your hubby's eyes. Most of us find one another's eyes to be engaging and soulful. Eye contact communicates caring and attention. As you look into his eyes, you can also see the expressions on your husband's face - which will most likely be happy - thus increasing your own pleasure and sense of connection in the moment.

His body lines. Husbands and wives have very different body lines. Women curve in different places. It can be erotic to watch the edge of your husband's body, even tracing it with your finger, hand, lips, or tongue. Be aware of how your lover's body is different from yours and how curious and exciting his form is. Appreciate how God created him.

His pleasure areas. I did a post some time ago about how women are not typically as turned on by the sight of male genitalia as men are turned on by female genitalia. I still think that's true. However, it can be thrilling to watch the changes occur in your spouse as he becomes aroused. It is also a fascinating area of the body in terms of what it does. Take time to admire that.

Your body lines. As your hubby touches you, pay attention to your own form. As he strokes and kisses your arms, legs, stomach, or other parts, you can watch him touching your skin and see how your body is shaped in a way that arouses your husband.

Your pleasure areas. How many of you gals are willing to admit, "I like to watch"? - as in you like to watch your pleasure points as your husband stimulates them. There can be something doubly arousing about feeling and watching your lover touch and excite your private areas.

A mirror. If you have a large mirror available, give it a shot. You might enjoy looking over his shoulder and seeing your bodies melding together. You might peek at your wild and excited expression as you climax. If you really want to go out on a limb, get a magnifying mirror and be really impressed with your husband's size. (Just kidding. At some point, I couldn't play it straight anymore. Anyway.) Some couples enjoy viewing a reflection of themselves making love.

So where do you usually look? Have you thought about mixing it up and looking somewhere else? How well do you focus on your body, his body, and your togetherness during sexual activity? Any other suggestions for using sight in the bedroom?

10 Intimate Things to Enjoy for Christmas

The Christmas season focuses on parties, decorating, shopping, cooking, and big-eyed children with wish lists as long as pythons. (Some children's lists may include "python." I've heard they make good pets.) The holidays can become a time of stress and even conflict between married couples. But we want to stay focused on keeping our love and intimacy strong.

So I racked my brain long and hard - or at least hard - and came up with some things you and your spouse can partake in together to bring you closer, emotionally or sexually, during this busy season. Here's my list of 10 Intimate Things to Enjoy for Christmas:

Pic from Nashville Christmas Lighting

10. Take a Christmas Lights Tour. Jump in the car with your spouse and take a tour through the neighborhood to look at lights. Or head to a local attraction - the port, the town square, the park - that has a light display. Talk about what you like as you view the lights and let the wonder of the season give you both a smile. Click HERE for a list of some Christmas lights attractions.

9. Hang Mistletoe...and Use It. Mistletoe has a history of being considered a fertility herb and an aphrodisiac. The tradition of kissing under mistletoe actually has its origins in mythology. These days, however, we recognize it as a cute plant that we hang up and smooch under for the sole reason that it's fun. So string it up around your house! On the tops of door frames, in entryways, or over your bed, put up a little mistletoe and invite your spouse to join you.

8. Listen to Love Songs. There are so many romantic songs for the holidays. From I'll Be Home for Christmas to All I Want for Christmas is You to Merry Christmas, Baby to Santa Baby, there is a lot of wonderful music you two can share over the holidays. A few other favorites of mine include A Christmas Love Song, Baby It's Cold Outside, and I've Got My Love to Keep Me Warm. Make your own music collection and play some tunes as you snuggle by the fireplace in each other's arms.

7. Visit a Nativity Scene. As you gaze upon the Christmas story represented by a baby, mother, father, and visitors, take a moment to think about the role of Joseph and Mary. Talk about a loving couple! If you read the accounts in Matthew and Luke, you see that both were unselfish and intent on honoring God. Can you imagine the loving relationship those attitudes produced in their marriage? I believe that on the night Jesus was born, Joseph and Mary did what other loving husbands and wives do when their firstborn arrives: They held each other, stared at their infant in awe, and felt closer for having brought a child into the world. (Then they went home and said, "What have we got ourselves into!" But that's another story.)

6. Watch Romantic Movies. Several romantic movies are set during the Christmas season. Here are a few titles to consider: Christmas in Connecticut (1945), The Shop Around the Corner (1940, the inspiration for You've Got Mail by the way), While You Were Sleeping (1995), White Christmas (1954), Holiday Inn (1942), and Miracle on 34th Street (1947, 1994). And for those who crave action and can look way past the language, there's Die Hard (1988). (Okay, it isn't technically romantic or Christmas-y, but those terrorists take over the office building on Christmas Eve and Bruce Willis wants to protect his wife.)

5. Wear Santa-themed Lingerie. If you're game, you could play sexy Santa for each other. (Yes, I know that the real St. Nick was an actual saint, and I'm not trying to diss that image. But he didn't wear red & white fur either.) You can find Santa lingerie at a lot of stores this time of year. Imagine your honey in one of these:

4. Add a Sexy Gift to Your Wish List. How about deciding that hubby and wife will buy each other one sexy gift this year? You can have your own private gift-opening on Christmas morning (or Christmas Eve for an early present). It can be anything from lingerie to massage oil to a sex toy. Or buy a book about intimacy to read together, or a game with sexy ideas (The Pure Bed and other Christian retailers offer romantic games). If you suggest the idea ahead of time, it will create some anticipation of what your sweetie purchased and how you can enjoy it together.

3. Wrap and Then Unwrap Your Bodies. There are plenty of places on your body where a bow can be strategically placed. You can simply opt for ribbon and bows, or wrap yourself up in a sheet and add a fabric ribbon with a bow on top. You could even buy one of those huge gift bags or a giant stocking and tuck yourself in. Add a message tag if you wish with a flirty line like "You've been so nice, it's time to be naughty." The fun part, of course, is the unwrapping.

2. Read The Gift of the Magi by O'Henry. I LOVE this short story about a couple who are strapped for money and want to get the best gifts for one another at Christmas. This is love at its best, least selfish, and most satisfying. You can read the full story HERE.

1. Make Love. Okay, this isn't specifically a Christmas gift. It's a wonderful gift anytime of year. But great sex in marriage comes with a giving attitude. Set aside a time for the two of you to be sexually intimate and try to outdo each other in providing your spouse pleasure. Merry Christmas, Baby!

What ideas do you have for making this holiday season a romantic or sexy one? How can you use activities or gifts to bring you closer at a time when busyness threatens to bring stress and conflict? Got any favorite holiday movies or songs? Chime in!

A Letter to a Former Lover

I saw my "first" the other day. I'll be honest: It rattled me. We merely traded hellos.

But you see, I am still embarrassed by my past at times (My Personal Testimony). God has given me a clean slate and blessed me with wonderful intimacy with my husband. Yet I recognize that my past choices had consequences in my life and the lives of the guys involved with me. I have wondered what I might say to a man from my past who knows way more about me than he should. Perhaps some of you can relate.

Dear Former Lover,

When people ask what I would do over in life, one of my first answers is my premarital sexual history. I wish I could have a do-over for that moment when I sat in your car, kissing you and thinking somehow this time I would say no to doing more. I didn’t. I succumbed in the moment to my hormones, my physical desires, my emotions, whatever.

I had no exit strategy, no escape plan, nothing more than a pipe dream of saying “no” when it counted. You didn’t either.

I cheated myself and I cheated you out of what God desired for us sexually. When you finally met the love of your life, she wasn’t your first. My husband wasn’t my first either.

Try as we may, we cannot entirely forget the sexual experiences that preceded our marriages. I remember. You remember. And how I wish I could take all of that back!

God has forgiven me. I know that in every fiber of my being. 1 Corinthians 6:9-11 has given me great hope and comfort: “Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor men who have sex with men, nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God.  And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.” My past is what I was, but through Jesus Christ, not any longer. My husband and I have a beautiful intimate relationship, and I am blessed to have a fresh start and a healthy sex life.

Yet I wonder how it would have been if you and I hadn’t gone there. What if we had gone to the pizza place instead of parking in your car? What if we had watched a movie instead of making out? What if we had merely held hands and kissed? What if we had a chance to do it over again? Would we resist?

I would like to think we would. I would like to believe that we have not only aged but have gained some wisdom. I’m sorry that I was so flippant back then about your innocence, your virginity, your sexuality. The reality is that I can’t take it back, but I pray that your life has been wonderful and will continue to be. I pray that God has renewed you and your wife so that you can enjoy the fullness of His blessing of marital intimacy. And I pray that we can teach our children that – while we didn’t get it right – waiting to be intimate with your spouse is extremely hard and totally worth it.

One more thing: Thanks for the flowers. Now that was a perfectly wonderful, young love thing to do!

J

If you have a less-than-perfect past, what would you say to a former lover? Do you still feel guilt, embarrassment, or nervousness when you consider these relationships? Have you encountered former lovers face-to-face? What in your sexual history do you wish you could do over again?

One quick note: Stu & Lisa Gray of Stupendous Marriage announced the Top Marriage Blogs of 2011 List. Click HERE to see the winners. Congratulations to them all!

The Importance of Testimony (on my blog anniversary)

While staring at the December calendar with the usual anxiety that faces me in the holiday crunch, I realized that December 5 marks a full year of blogging! Good grief, how did that happen?

In this past year, I have tackled various topics related to sexuality and marriage from a biblical and, let's face it, blunt point of view. But I started this blog with my Personal Testimony. And I've decided to mark my anniversary this way as well - highlighting the importance of our personal stories of difficulty, faith, healing, and victory.

As young children, we come into this world expecting everyone to cater to our needs, desires, and whims. Oftentimes, they do just that. However, it doesn't take too long before most of us realize that life isn't a fairy tale - or maybe that it is (in the original Red Riding Hood, the wolf swallows the girl).

Life is hard. This world is broken by sin and selfishness. We are challenged by natural disasters, physical setbacks, relational heartbreak, and the consequences of our own poor choices. Whether our wounds are delivered by others or self-inflicted, they hurt. Many of them hurt deeply.

We can lose sight of God...if we ever had Him in our view. We can feel that things are hopeless. We can wonder how it will ever get better.

Those of us who remain committed, who call on God's help, and who time and time again get back up and get back on track find that we emerge stronger than ever. Our faith and will have been tested, and with God's grace we have come out the other side.

My own testimony begins with a lost teenage girl looking for love in all the wrong places. Some people would have called me promiscuous, but the term I used in my own moments of stark honesty was "slut." By throwing intense physical closeness into the mix so early in my relationships, I made sure they all exploded within a few months. My heart broke over and over again, and my body was used for someone else's pleasure more times than I could count.

Finally, I stood at a fork in the road and had to make a decision. Go my own way, or get up again and recommit to getting this love thing right. By the grace of God, I can say that those days are a faint memory. My long marriage to my husband is a great one. I only have eyes for him. I am forgiven. I am whole. (1 Corinthians 6:9-11).

Moreover, I have a personal testimony as to how God pulled me off the road to self-destruction and bound up my broken heart.

A huge part of continuing to live out Christianity is having a personal story of how God has worked in your life. By now, I have several stories of God's work in me. After all, it isn't a one-time thing. Both faith in God and marriage require a daily commitment to doing the right thing and allowing God to mold you over time.

Through this blog, I now have a really cool testimony of how God has taken my broken places in the realm of sexuality and turned them into a ministry of encouragement and help for married couples.

I know people out there have their own stories of how God has worked in their lives. In fact, one of my favorite parts of blogging is hearing from readers. So many of you have amazing wisdom and our own personal testimony.

So here's the anniversary present I ask from readers: Briefly recount something God has done in your life, your marriage, your faith walk. Share your personal testimony with someone here. They might learn a lot from the rocky road you've been on and the victorious path you are now walking. I can't wait to read the comments!

Reminder: Top Marriage Blogs Voting Ends Today

As I have said before, I'm a bit uncomfortable with pimping promoting my own blog. In college, I did a project for film appreciation class on the history of the Academy Awards. Back in the 1920s when they began, actors and actresses wined, dined, and gave extravagant gifts to the voters to increase their chances of taking home an Oscar. I don't want to be a schmoozer like that.

Yet I did think it appropriate to remind readers that today is the last day to vote on Stu and Lisa Gray's Stupendous Marriage website for the Top Marriage Blogs of 2011. There are almost 50 nominees, and the 10 blogs with the most votes receive the honor of making the final list. You may only vote once.

Vote for whatever blog you enjoy! If you do, or did, vote for Hot, Holy & Humorous, accept my heartfelt thanks. Ultimately, however, the great thing about this exercise is that it gets more readers to blogs that are promoting godly marriages and quality relationships.

I will continue to do what I do here at Hot, Holy & Humorous. And I am continually grateful for the faithful followers, the casual readers, and the oops!-how-did-I-land-here browsers.

LINK TO VOTING

Blessings!
J

"Blue Balls" & the Point of No Return: Man-Made Myths?

During my dating years, there were two phrases men liked to bring up in an effort to convince women that they not only wanted but needed to have sex. I have long wondered about the veracity of their claims. Were they stating an objective fact? Twisting the truth a little? Telling an outright lie? Or did they believe wholeheartedly in what they were saying? (As George Costanza on Seinfeld said, “It’s not a lie, if you believe it.”)

I’m betting that some husbands have used them from time to time as well.

Here are the phrases:

“I've Got Blue Balls.” Unfortunately, that’s what it’s called. However, the proper scientific name is vasocongestion.

The condition of “blue balls” does exist. During sexual arousal, a man’s testicles fill with blood and swell to approximately 50% larger. If this pressure is not relieved through ejaculation, the man’s testicles may ache.

The claim that orgasm is the best way to relieve the pain is partially true. Ejaculation is the fastest way to relieve that aching feeling and cause the blood flow and swelling to go down. However, without having sex or ejaculation, the blood and swelling will slowly subside.

To be fair, a small number of men report that the pain of prolonged arousal without ejaculation can last for several hours and can affect not only the testicles but even the lower abdomen. One man likened the brush-off of vasocongestion to people who claim that menstrual cramps are mostly in your head; as we gals know, that’s a load of hooey. So if men say it hurts, I believe that it hurts.

The conclusion I draw is twofold: First, men should not be getting aroused for long periods of time without the possibility of climax. When we engage as God intended, with a husband and wife arousing and satisfying one another, intense vasocongestion won’t occur. (Prolonged, unavoidable times away from one another are an exception.) Yet, fooling around outside marriage or engaging in pornographic arousal or other activities may cause problems. Second, the claim of “blue balls” is still not a reason to engage in intercourse outside the parameters that God commanded, so men shouldn’t use the excuse and women shouldn’t buy it.

“I'm at the Point of No Return.” The way that I heard men use “point of no return” (with me and with girlfriends) is different from what my research unveiled. Guys claimed that at some point in sexual arousal, they couldn’t stop and needed to have sex.

The point of no return recognized in my research is that moment when ejaculation cannot be stopped. But men retain control of where that ejaculation occurs, and it is not necessary to have intercourse to complete the male orgasm. Although the physical response to ejaculate becomes involuntary at some point, the decision to engage sexually is still voluntary. And prior to that moment of automatic response, he retains control.

Of course, God’s design is for a husband and wife to engage together, and the husband to ejaculate as part of the sexual act between them. Physical intimacy in marriage may include penetration or another form of bringing about the husband's ejaculation with the wife's assistance (e.g., oral sex, "hand job").

Premarriage, the man's "point of no return" does not include a need to penetrate. He still has a choice. Moreover, he shouldn't be getting to that point with a woman who doesn't have a ring, a vow, and a wedding album.

As I suspected, these phrases are suspect as reasons to engage in sexual intercourse. Yet, being aroused over and over without release is hard to cope with. In marriage, however, I don't believe the physical side of the difficulty is as painful as the emotional rejection.

If a husband is turned on by his wife, desires to be intimate with her, and is repeatedly rejected, he may get a case of vasocongestion. However, I hear more husbands complain of a blue heart than “blue balls.” They take it personally that their wives don't want to engage sexually with them and can't understand why this way of expressing love is off limits.

Still, husbands shouldn't use phrases like the ones above to convince wives to engage sexually. At best, they may get pity sex.

Wives, meanwhile, shouldn't withhold sexually to the point that their husbands are so uptight that they are willing to settle for pity sex. At best, they will feel used.

Discuss with each other what your desired frequency is. You could compromise between the two, or go for broke and follow author Sheila Gregoire's advice of “Just Say Yes to Sex!”

Remember that intimacy is not about satisfying physical needs or inclinations. Yes, God made us fleshly beings with desires and sensations, but we are made in His image as persons who desire connection. God desires to connect with us, and He designed marriage as a lifelong connection between a man and a woman.

Sexual intimacy expresses and fosters that connection. If a husband and wife are engaging with each other as God intended, those two phrases will rarely, if ever, be used.

What do you think? Have you heard these claims before? What is your opinion of them?