Where to Have Sex: Part 1

At times it seems that we married people are a rather unimaginative lot. After all, most of have 99% of our sex in -- can you guess? -- a bed.

One suggestion for introducing a little playfulness, creativity, or adventure into your sex life is to vary where you have sex. Consider location, location, location. Besides atop the king mattress set, where else can a husband and wife be intimate? In the spirit of the medical ethics principle of Primum non nocere ("First, do no harm"), today's post will focus on . . .

Places You Think Would Be Fun for Sex, But Not So Much

The Elevator. The thought of being alone in an elevator with your hubby, stripping down, and doing it against the wall or on the floor as you go up or down sounds adventurous. In fact, there seems to be a lot of innuendo, making out, and sex going on in elevators in the movies. There is even an Aerosmith song, Love in an Elevator ("Livin' it up when I'm goin' down").

However, many elevators these days have cameras. So unless you're trying to entertain the security guard with a free porn movie, why go there? Plus, if you push the Stop button on an elevator, someone might call for help, and you may be preventing someone from getting someplace they need to go. Finally, are you putting a plastic cover down, or messing up their carpet? I'm just sayin'.

Think of this: An elevator is simply a moving closet. If you want that experience, put full length mirrors along the walls of your closet, install a handrail, pipe in some easy listening tunes, and pretend to push the Lobby button. Same thing, no photographic evidence.

The Beach. Remember that great scene in From Here to Eternity in which Burt Lancaster and Deborah Kerr roll around on the beach in each other's arms and everyone thinks, "Wow." The sun's rays beating down, the waves licking your bodies, the wind blowing through your hair. Could it get any sexier?

Now for the reality of sexual activity on the beach: Sand gets everywhere. And I mean everywhere. If you think the worst place to pick grains of sand from is your ear canal, you are sadly mistaken. Throwing down a blanket won't stop that wonderful wind from blowing the sand your way. Plus, there are birds. You do not want a flock of seagulls watching you mate or dropping their souvenirs on your head.

The Kitchen Table. Another movie-inspired idea, I think. Thanks to Kevin Costner and Susan Sarandon in Bull Durham, it's appealing to a lot of women to imagine the husband clearing off a table and taking her right then, right there. This could also be a desk, as many have imagined making love at one or the other's workplace.

Newsflash! Tables and desks are hard. It is not comfortable to have your hips, back, derriere, etc. slammed against a surface with as little give as a concrete sidewalk. Positioning yourself appropriately for intercourse is not easy, and if your back and knees are over 30 years old, grab the pain reliever before you even begin.

The Ground. Mosquitoes, chiggers, and ants, o my! If you lay your naked bodies down right on the dirt or grass, you can expect to make contact with nature. Sometimes nature is beautiful, sometimes it is harsh. You do not want to have an orgasm followed by a poison ivy in the same place. Even if the sex is fabulous, is it worth scratching your nether regions for two weeks? Of course, this is preventable with a little planning.

Bring a quilt, a blanket, or at least a tarp. Put something between you and God's green earth. Yes, I know that the Song of Songs speaks of the married couple being in the vineyard and under the apple tree, but I imagine that smart chap having a bed linen at the ready.

The Church Parking Lot. Seriously, dude. Whoever you were several years ago who left his used condoms in our church parking lot, uncool. Very uncool. I had to get a latex glove and paper towels, grab your icky prophylactic, and trash it before a child could pick it up and ask, "What's this?" You probably should not have been doing it to begin with (assuming that was fornication), but even if you were married, you could have chosen a more conducive location.

In reality, any place where children are present and could see you or your evidence is not an appropriate location for sex. There's a reason why people advise, "Get a room."

Next Thursday, I'll give a few suggestions of great places to have sex that don't involve a bed. In the meantime, leave your comment below with the worst place you or someone you know has engaged in sexual activity. Let's help our fellow married couples avoid a bad intimate encounter.