Am I Obsessed with Sex? No. Are You?

C.S. Lewis said in Mere Christianity: "Starving men may think much about food, but so do gluttons." He was making an analogy of food to sex, arguing that those who are obsessed with food or sex are either terribly hungry or overly indulged. I agree.

One of the charges laid against Christian sex or marriage intimacy bloggers is that we overemphasize sexuality in marriage. Perhaps, some believe, we are obsessed with sex.

I admit that I think about sex a lot. Hey, I write this blog! I hear people's stories, I come up with topics, and I research the subject in both secular sources and the Word of God. I have long been passionate about passion so I thought about sex more than the average Christian gal, but since writing this blog, sex is on my mind even more.

But while I consider the broad topic of sexuality quite often, I don't give my own married sex life a whole lot of contemplation. I anticipate it, I flirt with my husband about it, I remember special times, and I engage in beautiful intimacy with my man. But I'm not obsessed.

Why?

Well, let's break down Dr. Lewis's descriptions more.

Starved. I recently had to have fasting bloodwork done and, through my own foolish planning, my doctor's appointment was not until mid-afternoon. Thus, I did not eat anything from around 10:00 p.m. to 3:30 p.m. the next day. Around noon, almost all I could think about was how hungry I was! I packed a snack to eat and a soda to drink in the doctor's office as soon as the lab siphoned my blood. Even after that, I drove through a fast food place and gorged on a hamburger, fries, and a drink. I kept eating the rest of the day, feeling the desperate need to feel the hole that had surely formed in my stomach from those several hours of not eating.

Yeah, I was kind of a drama queen about it. But you can already see the analogy forming here, right?

If you are in the presence of delicious food and can't have any, your mind is drawn to thinking about eating. Even if it's a buzz in the background of your brain, you are aware that you are hungry and unable to satisfy that hunger.

I believe the same happens in marriages where one spouse is around the person they love and yet are unable to sate their intimate desire for that person. The lack of what you need and want is on your mind because you cannot scratch that itch often enough, or in some sad cases ever, so your mind turns its attention to that aspect.

The spouse who desires physical intimacy and doesn't get it anywhere near enough can become obsessed with sex, even pleading or begging their mate to engage in acts of intimacy. Because they are sex-starved! It's no wonder that sex is seemingly always on their mind.

Saturated. On the other hand, don't ever let me work in a bakery. If I spend my days surrounded by donuts, cinnamon rolls, scones, croissants, empanadas, or whatever, I will be the next contestant on The Biggest Loser for sure. I LOVE pastries, and the last thing I need to do is line the walls with them. I won't be able to stop eating those delicious, sweet, wonderful...

You get the idea. It's easy to obsess about sex when you metaphorically line the walls with it. Thus, looking at porn, reading erotica, shopping at sex stores, always looking for the next big thrill, etc. can cause you to obsess about sex as well. You may be having sex with your spouse, but it will never seem like enough if you saturate your environment with the subject.

Frankly, this is the setting of much of the secular world regarding sex. Our music, our movies and TV, our magazines and newspapers, and our conversations are inundated with sexuality. Because it's constantly given the stage, the spotlight, and papparazzi, sex is forever on people's minds.

With so many ways to partake, it's easy to fall victim to indulgence. Such a person can get obsessed with having sex more, better, riskier, until the person with whom they are engaging is little more than cheesecake on a plate to satisfy a sweet tooth. The sex-saturated don't feel that they've had enough or maybe are enough because their attention is rapt by sex itself and not intimacy with their mate.

Satisfied. Years ago, I changed how I approached Thanksgiving. We used to eat very little in the morning, waiting anxiously for that midday meal, and then stuff ourselves until we had to unzip our pants and take a two-hour nap to recover. Now we eat a reasonable breakfast, and I serve a slightly larger meal than usual, but nothing too extensive. Once everyone has declared themselves sated, we pack the remaining food into the refrigerator. I find that I am much more thankful for the meal when I get to enjoy it as a special treat without starving for it or becoming a glutton during it.

When the physical intimacy in marriage is healthy, you don't need to obsess about sex. It's there when you need and want it, and if it isn't available at the moment, it won't be long before you have a taste of it again. Moreover, the sexuality between a couple isn't the focus of their relationship, although still an important aspect of it.

Just as the body needs food, sleep, exercise, etc. to remain healthy, so a marriage needs emotional, spiritual, and relational intimacy in addition to physical intimacy. All aspects are important in keeping a marriage healthy.

I write about one aspect of marriage. Other bloggers write about others.

My goal is to encourage Christians to avoid starvation or saturation and find true satisfaction in marital sexuality. Sure, I'm on this topic a lot, but I don't think I'm personally obsessed. I'm like the person advocating for feeding the starving in a third-world country or your personal trainer batting away that Hershey bar and telling you to get on the treadmill already. For myself, though, I am in category number three: sex-satisfied. I'd like to see more of us here.

pic from indiatimes.com

In Song of Songs 5:1, the Lover (husband) makes a food comparison as well: "I have eaten my honeycomb and my honey; I have drunk my wine and my milk." The Friends respond: "Eat, O friends, and drink; drink your fill, O lovers."

So are you satisfied? Starved? Saturated? Do you find yourself obsessed with sex?

Step Up, Church, and Talk about Sex

pic from christianpost.com

Is it Monday again? It's time for me to address another question left by a commenter on my Q&A with J at HHH post:

GREG DONNER: "I also mentioned this to Julie [Sibert, I suspect], but I would be interested in your take on how we as believers can (and should) be doing to boldly speak the truth about biblical sexuality in the church. It's something I'm very passionate (and frankly, very concerned about)."

In some respect, Greg answers his own question: boldly.
Take a look at the letters of Paul in the New Testament: He boldly addresses whatever issue plagues the church and refocuses people on God's desire for their lives.

Wrongful thinking and behaviors regarding sex permeate our culture. From the sexually abused child to the promiscuous teen to the porn-addicted husband to the withholding wife to the married couple who struggles to connect physically, we are off target a lot. Jesus never turned a blind eye to sin and pain in His midst. It is our God-given duty to speak into others' pain and confusion, to speak for God where He has spoken, and to pass on God's desire for their lives, even in the area of sexuality.

What should this boldness look like? Ideally, churches should have a cradle-to-grave approach. Here are some suggestions for how churches can minister to people in various stages:

Childhood/Teen Years

Provide parenting classes to help families address the subject. Plenty of parents want to equip their children with a godly view of sexuality, but they simply don't know how to talk to their kids about it.

Empower youth ministry to address biblical sexuality with tweens and teens. All too often, parents resist having the subject brought up in church. Guess what? It's being brought up everywhere else your kid is. Isn't it better for our children to get information from a biblically-driven youth pastor than from his/her school friend or a TV show?

Host fun, well-supervised teen events. Churches can help teens by hosting events that provide opportunities to mingle and have fun without the sexual temptation that often exists in secular venues. It needs to be something that will attract teens, but also keep them out of pressurized situations. For instance, when I was a teen, a couple of churches hosted teen dances; the likelihood of anything inappropriate happening with my date at the Mormon family dance was practically nil. Here's another out-of-the-box idea: What if a church rented a bunch of luxury cars and had volunteer members drive teenagers and their dates to and from local proms?

Singles

Provide preengagement and premarital classes and counseling. Preengaged.com focuses on this kind of assistance, and Brad and Kate Aldrich of One Flesh Marriage recently mentioned a premarital program at Watermark Church in Dallas, Texas. There are some excellent studies for dating couples (although I am only familiar with Before You Say I Do by H. Norman Wright). Ask most married couples if they wish they had prepared more, and they will say yes--including in the area of sexual intimacy.

Help singles find a mate. I don't believe everyone must get married or that being single is a lesser status. However, 1 Corinthians 7:9 says, "It is better to marry than to burn with passion." And although marriage rates are declining in the U.S., the vast majority of people still want to be married at some point. Hey, the best thing the church ever did for my sex life is introduce me to my husband. But too many single Christians have few options. What can churches do? They can offer area-wide singles events. I'm not suggesting some Christian version of The Bachelor or The Dating Game. Such events shouldn't be meat markets, but rather worship, fellowship, or Bible studies which allow singles to gather and get to know one another. Love can take it from there.

Marrieds

Make marriage classes, retreats, and seminars routine. In addition to in-depth scriptural and theological studies, churches should teach on the practical application of God's Word. Look for biblically-based marriage studies or find couples with knowledge to share. Here are a few series I have been through: Dynamic Marriage (Dr. Willard Harley); Love & Respect (Emerson Eggerichs); Love, Sex & Marriage (Joe Beam). I am also a fan of The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman (who has a study titled The Marriage You've Always Wanted) and just about anything Dr. Kevin Leman writes (he has a study titled Making the Most of Your Marriage). Several friends have also spoken well of Mark Gungor's Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage.

Stop skipping the sex part! This is part B of the above suggestion. I was recently told by another blogger that churches often skip the sex lesson in a marriage series--perhaps because the topic is considered too sensitive. That tidbit of information had me V8-headsmacking the rest of the day. (Ouch.) God wants married couples to have growing marriages and great sex! Let's support healthy marriages by helping couples do exactly that.

Financially support marriage ministries. Many quality marriage resources can only continue through outside financial support, and churches can make that a goal of their budget.

Provide babysitting services to married couples with children. One of the hardest periods for marital intimacy is when your kids are young. A group of church members (e.g., youth, "Golden Agers," singles) could provide babysitting as a ministry. Or a church could establish a babysitting co-op in which couples keep others' kids at times and get their own date nights.

Miscellaneous

Take a sex survey of your church and present your findings. Oftentimes, we don't know that church members are struggling with sexuality. Who's going to stand up on Sunday morning and say, "Could you address biblical sexuality because I ain't gettin' any at home?" We can awaken the attention of church leaders and members by asking for anonymous input about where they are thriving and where they need help.

Be specific. Too often, churches address sexuality at too high a level. For singles, we hear, "God wants you to stay pure." Yes, He does. But be specific about how a sexually-ramped-up 17-year-old boy can stay cool when a hot girl throws herself at him. Or how a 23-year-old single woman can wait another seven years to let her libido see daylight? For the marrieds, it isn't enough to say, "God wants you to have a good sex life." How does a husband figure out how to pleasure his wife to climax? How can a women deal with her lagging interest in sex? How can a couple move beyond negative sexual histories? Be specific.

Bring in special speakers. Christian colleges and universities often have marriage and family therapy or Christian ministry departments with qualified experts. There are also writers, bloggers, counselors, and speakers who address this subject. For instance, get Sheila Gregoire, author of The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex, to come talk to your church (or better yet, my church).

Offer couples counseling. Couples counseling should be available to dating teens, couples in serious relationships, engaged couples, and married couples. The singles may need a session or two to learn strategies for stopping sexual activity before it starts, while a married couple may need to address a lack of intimacy or physical barriers to satisfying sex. If the church does not have the wherewithal to offer such counseling, it can subsidize another church's counseling center or a Christian-based counseling practice.

Plug into ministries that help those who need special care. Has a child been sexually abused? Is a husband dealing with a porn addiction? Is a couple dealing with adultery? Such issues go beyond typical couples counseling. Find ministries that address specific issues.

Look for experts in your midst. That physician who attends your church? The labor and delivery nurse? The psychologist or counselor? The recovering sex addict? The woman who was sexually-abused as a child and found healing? The couple that lived through an affair and have a thriving marriage? They have something to offer. Ask how they are willing to help support healthy and godly sex lives for church members.

Maintain a quality library with helpful resources on biblical sexuality. There are many Christian-based books and video and tape series available, but cost can be prohibitive for families. Churches could use purchase resources, and then let families know that they are there.

No one church can offer all of this, so we must rely on each other in the larger church body. But each church can address godly sexuality throughout the seasons of life by offering biblical knowledge, specific information, relationship support, and prayer for the purity and intimacy of their members.

Now that I've thrown out my brainstorming ideas, what are yours? What are your churches doing to boldly address biblical sexuality? What would you like to see your church or area churches do?

What Is Sex?

Given that I blog twice a week on marriage and sexuality, you wouldn't think I'd even ask such a question. Don't we all know what sex is? Yet sometimes when people use the word sex, I wonder if we're all talking about the same thing.

The dictionary definition is sex is simply coitus, or intercourse. Sex originally referred to gender and was not used to denote intercourse until 1929 (thank author D.H. Lawrence for that). However, the original meaning of coitus, from Latin, was merely meeting or uniting. The root word "coire" means "together." Coitus also once referred "to magnetic force, planetary conjunction, etc., before sexual sense came to predominate" (Online Etymology Dictionary).

Enough background research. Why am I even bringing this up? Because I think when we discuss sex as Christians, we're talking about more than intercourse. The union of two individuals can involve a myriad of sexual activities outside pure penetration.

Are we having sex if we fondle our spouse's naked body? Is it sex if we engage in fellatio or cunnilingus? Should we call it sex if a husband brings a wife to climax through digital stimulation?

Taking the narrow definition of sex as only intercourse causes us problems both in defining our boundaries and in feeling freedom in our marriages. As to boundaries, if only intercourse is sex, then singles can pronounce themselves virgins so long as they don't cross that one last line. Spouses may feel that they have not committed adultery with someone because their interactions with an opposite-sex person haven't led to intercourse, even if sexual flirting or contact has occurred. Prior to marriage, we may not make the right choice to wait on the whole kit-and-kaboodle until the wedding night because we don't really feel like we've had sex.

In our marriages, we also need to understand that we are not limited to only one way of God-approved sexuality with our mate. God has designed marital intimacy to include different ways of appreciating, exploring, and pleasuring our spouse. Of course, intercourse is the ultimate act and the one that produces children. However, we have freedom in the context of marriage to engage in other acts that are indeed sexual in nature and increase our sense of intimacy with our spouse.

Looking more specifically at what the Bible considers sex (or whatever word we want to use -- intimacy, sexuality, physical union), the Old Testament primarily speaks of sexual relations between a husband and wife using the Hebrew word "yada'." This word means to know. It doesn't denote a Tab A/Slot B act, although that is certainly implied, but rather a joining of two bodies in deeper knowledge. Once the robe is off, you know that person more than you know others.

Those of us who have experienced that sense in marriage (and sadly, outside) understand that to be true at some level. Sex is a physical knowing of another individual that rises above the usual knowledge you have of others. It goes beyond friendship and involves entering the boundary of physical privacy that we otherwise maintain. I believe that includes more than intercourse. (See Sheila Gregoire's Experiencing Spiritual Intimacy While You Make Love for more on this "knowing.)

In the New Testament, the term for sex varies more. Sexual immorality is typically porneia (recognize the root there?); however, the references to sex in Ephesians 5 and 1 Corinthians 7 are more general words also translated as "come together" (sunevrcomai) and join or cleave (e.g., proskollao). It's like saying "sleep together" now when an audience can easily discern by context when you mean sex. Interestingly enough, such words all connote unity. Indeed, Paul even warned against such sinful joining in 1 Corinthians 6:16 ("Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in body? For it is said, 'The two will become one flesh.'").

Is such physical unity with another restricted solely to intercourse? I think not. In fact, the prohibition in the New Testament against extramarital sexual activity includes lust and inappropriate touching (see Matthew 5:28; 1 Corinthians 7:1 KJV-which provides more literal translation of the Greek word "haptomai"). Sexuality includes two bodies uniting in sexual activity, which often includes intercourse but doesn't have to.

When I think of my "sex life," I think about all of those things that go into having phenomenal physical intimacy with my spouse: the randy flirting we do long before we arrive at the bedroom; the touches, strokes, and gropes that we engage in; the gazing at one another's naked bodies; the sensuousness that pervades our bedroom time together; the foreplay that is pleasurable in its own right and builds toward the main event as well; the array of sexual activities that show our desire and delight in one another; and the beautiful joining of our two bodies in intercourse. It's a whole package deal.

If you're just going for the intercourse, you're missing out on some other great aspects of marital sexuality. We need to appreciate that sex as God intended is comprised of all those parts of our physical relationship which are uniquely shared with your spouse. That is what I think of as sex.

What do you think sex is? How do you think Christians should define sex? And do you think the definition even matters?

Additional sources used: BibleGateway.com, BibleStudyTools.com, Sex Scripture Notes from La Vista Church of Christ

Does Your Church Know?

Not yet ready to reveal myself!
pic from glamour.com

On Mondays, I'm working my way through the questions left in the comments section of Q&A with J at HHH. I still have several fabulous ones to get to, and I appreciate your patience. If yours hasn't shown up yet, I promise it will.
Today's question, however, is a bit personal:

HAPPY: Aloha, J! You had mentioned earlier that you told your mother about your blog - how about people from church? If so, what sort of response have you received?

The quick answer is no. However, my pastor has known for a full year what I am doing and is supportive. He agrees that the church needs to foster healthy marriages, including biblical sexuality within them. Beyond that, I don't speak for him, as he might or might not agree with everything I've written on my blog. He and his wife do have the web address and can access my posts at any time.

Why haven't I told my church? First, I have chosen to remain anonymous for the time being, simply going by the letter J. I have personal and family reasons why I have not yet revealed my identity, but I do expect to at some point.

Even if I was ready to tell my church, it's a small world. For instance, I have more than once discovered that two of my personal Facebook friends knew each other when I didn't know they had any connection. I have also visited churches where within a few conversations I have found mutual acquaintances. Moreover, I am three degrees of Kevin Bacon. Really. The point is, once the cat is out of the bag here, it's out of the bag everywhere. So I will likely tell the church just a few days before I tell all of you.

I have considered how my church will react when I suddenly announce, "Hey, you know how I said I didn't have time to teach any extra classes, and you wondered what on earth I was doing with all of my time? Well, I was super-busy writing a blog about sex. And yes, it's ministry." And what about when someone from my church Googles the blog name and finds posts on shaving, fellatio, and sex and bunnies? Maybe there is some way to direct them first to The Gospel in the Bedroom.

pic from flickr.com

What I expect is that my church will be much like The Church--some will ignore it, some will be supportive, a few will be thoroughly encouraging, and a few will be in my face giving me an earful for discussing something so very private in such a public way. I do suspect that my church will have far more of the supportive and encouraging types than detractors (which would explain why we chose it as our church). However, I have no doubt that someone will think I have stepped every single toe over the line and wiggled them in the direction of hell.

In that case, I'll take heart from one of my favorite Winston Churchill quotes: "You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life." Of course, I'm not trying to make enemies. Far more important than Prime Minister Churchill is the Word of God which says, "If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone" (Romans 12:18).

But I'm not keeping my identity a secret for fear of retribution from a few detractors. Hey, I already have detractors in the blogosphere. I get a little friendly fire from time to time as it is. My reasons are focused less on me and more on certain people in my life.

Still, when I do tell all of my friends and family what I've been doing with this blog, those closest to me won't be surprised. I've been talking about godly sex for a long time. I recall sitting at a table with some women who were talking about marital intimacy like it was a chore and one of my friends said something like, "Well, we can't talk to J about this because she's likes sex." I might as well have been a flying purple people eater at that moment. (See also Intimacy in Marriage's great post called 5 Reasons I Like Sex: Confessions from a Christian Wife.) However, I bet that I wasn't the only gal in the room who loved having sex with her husband; I was simply the only one who had spoken up.

When I finally add a bunch more letters to the "J" and give you a full name, I would love to also speak about God's gift of sexuality. But perhaps God wants to groom me a little while longer. For now, my ministry to equip marriages for thriving physical intimacy largely takes place through one-on-one conversations as the subject arises and this blog. Indeed, that may be part of God's refining of me: I gain information, encouragement, and wisdom from my interaction with others on this subject. In particular, some of you have left comments that make me reflect, study the Bible deeper, and simply keep me going.

I wish I could thank all of you in person. But of course, if I did that, the cat would not only be out of the bag, he'd be yowling all night.

But I'm not so silly as to think that whether I speak up or not is going to be the make-or-break moment for the church and sexuality. I agree wholeheartedly with Mordecai from the Bible when he advised his cousin Esther: "For if you remain silent at this time, relief and deliverance for the Jews will arise from another place." My perspective on the blog is what Mordecai follows up with: "And who knows but that you have come to royal position for such a time as this?” I started with a "Who knows? Maybe God really can use me here" attitude. But if I don't do it, someone else will. Indeed, if Christians are going to effectively fight against Satan's attacks and reclaim God's gift of sexuality, it will take more than one blogger or one speaker or one preacher anyway. But maybe I can do something from this blog--and someday in other ways.

Regardless, the Church needs all of you talking about godly sexuality where you are and in whatever way you can. It may be giving encouragement to a friend who is struggling with porn or lack of interest or coordinating a marriage class at your church or instructing your own children about God's plan for marital intimacy. It may be writing or speaking on this subject. It may be commenting here when you have some wisdom to add.

My church doesn't currently know I'm writing this blog. But the church knows that I stand for godly sexuality. What about your church? Do they know what you stand for? What small or big thing can you do to foster godly marital intimacy where you are?

Be sure to come back next week when I'll answer a question about what the church can specifically do to foster biblical sexuality.

The Lover & the Beloved

Pic from flickr.com

I often quote from the Song of Songs (or Song of Solomon). It is a relatively short book in the Bible, found in the Old Testament, and tells the story of a husband and wife experiencing attraction and physical intimacy with one another.* Today is something of a blog vacation for me, as I am occupied this week with another ministry opportunity. Since I bet you don't often think to open up to that book and read its inspiring passages, I decided to provide a passage for you to read today.

I suggest that you even read this aloud to your mate. Remember that the relationship in Song of Songs is blessed by God. Ask how your own marital intimacy can become filled with this kind of passion for one another.

Note: The Lover is the husband; the Beloved is the wife. These labels do not appear in the original text; however, passages have been thus ascribed by scholars looking at the message and the feminine and masculine pronouns used.

Song of Songs 4:8-5:1

Lover

⁸Come with me from Lebanon, my bride,
come with me from Lebanon.
Descend from the crest of Amana,
from the top of Senir, the summit of Hermon,
from the lions’ dens
and the mountain haunts of the leopards.
⁹ You have stolen my heart, my sister, my bride;
you have stolen my heart
with one glance of your eyes,
with one jewel of your necklace.
¹⁰ How delightful is your love , my sister, my bride!
How much more pleasing is your love than wine,
and the fragrance of your perfume than any spice!
¹¹ Your lips drop sweetness as the honeycomb, my bride;
milk and honey are under your tongue.
The fragrance of your garments is like that of Lebanon.
¹² You are a garden locked up, my sister, my bride;
you are a spring enclosed, a sealed fountain.
¹³ Your plants are an orchard of pomegranates
with choice fruits,
with henna and nard,
¹⁴ nard and saffron,
calamus and cinnamon,
with every kind of incense tree,
with myrrh and aloes
and all the finest spices.
¹⁵ You are a garden fountain,
a well of flowing water
streaming down from Lebanon.

Beloved

¹⁶ Awake, north wind,
and come, south wind!
Blow on my garden,
that its fragrance may spread abroad.
Let my lover come into his garden
and taste its choice fruits.

I have come into my garden, my sister, my bride;
I have gathered my myrrh with my spice.
I have eaten my honeycomb and my honey;
I have drunk my wine and my milk. 

Friends

Eat, O friends, and drink;
drink your fill, O lovers.

I second that sentiment from the Friends. May all of you drink your fill this weekend! Blessings.

*Some have suggested that this book is an allegory for God and His people (or Christ and the church). While I agree that analogies can be drawn between marriage and our relationship with Christ (see Ephesians 5:32), I concur with scholars who say that this book is about marital love itself and is more literal.

Sex Photos & Videos

Ready for your close-up?

Ah, Monday, you are here again. Thus it's time for another Q&A session on my blog. Here is a question posed in the comments section of my Q&A for J with HHH post:

Can you give some thoughts or advice on taking pics or vids of you & your spouse for you two to enjoy?

To be honest, I'm not a personal fan of taking sexual pictures and video. Why? Primarily because you never know when and how they might be discovered. Someone in your family might find the evidence or it could get culled from a computer. Recently, Julie Sibert of Intimacy in Marriage did a great job of addressing related privacy concerns with Sexy Email? Think Twice Before You Send. Another issue is that I'm not sure I want to see myself naked that way; you know, without professional lighting, airbrushing, and Photoshop. Finally, I have the notion that overuse of this medium could get a couple hooked to being titillated through images rather than interaction with each other.

So given my own approach to this subject, it should not surprise you to learn that my husband and I do not have a private video collection--even though I'd give a thumbs-up and five stars to plenty of our performances.

Yet, I understand the appeal. There is something tantalizing about not only experiencing sex with your spouse, but viewing yourselves with one another. A photographic image is like a mirror, but one that you can look at over and over. I can also imagine how hot it could be to send your spouse a photo of the two of you entangled together with a caption like, "Let's do this one again tonight." Bring on the drool, baby!

Is it wrong? No, I don't think so. Do you have to be wise about the way you do it? Yes, I think you should--for privacy's sake and to ensure that such visual representations remain in their proper context, as teasers for the main event.

If you want to give it a shot, here are a few things to think about when taking sexual photos for or with your spouse:

• If you try to hold up a camera and engage in something at the same time, you likely won't get much. If you really want a good picture, follow general photography advice: Frame the shot ahead of time. Use a tripod and see where you want to aim the lens.
• Remember that black-and-white photography is more forgiving when it comes to nudity. Color provides a starker image, and your physical features and blemishes will show up. You may want color, but you might want to try black-and-white too.
• If you want to pose a shot, pose it and get your picture. But make that separate from lovemaking.
• If you're actually making love, don't play to the camera. It might be tempting, but physical intimacy in marriage is not about performance but connection. And you don't want to connect to the camera. You should be paying attention to your spouse! If you can't focus on the sex itself, turn off the camera. It's not worth it.
• Be prepared to take a lot of photos or video . . . and then erase some of it. Those magazine covers you see do not come from a few clicks of the camera. Nor are movies filmed in a single take. Likewise, if you want something worth looking at, be selective. Not every photo or moving picture is worth saving and viewing later.
• Don't critique. Even though I think our "performance" has been red-carpet worthy at times, it's really not a performance. Ever. Don't judge him or even yourself. If you had sex, connected and grew together, and enjoyed your time, it's perfect. If you start saying things like, "Look at how my thighs shake, ugh!" then the next time you have sex, guess what you could be thinking about? Remember, sex is about focusing on your spouse and the intimate experience.
• Have a fool (or kid) proof plan for protecting the privacy of your images. Where will you store these photos and videos? How will you lock the files? What is your plan to prevent them from being discovered and gazed upon in horror by your mother-in-law? (She wants grandkids, but she does not want details.)
• Move beyond the images through the use of words and touch. When either or both of you view the pictures or video, add something personal to it. Include a suggestive caption with a photo, cuddle as you watch the video, talk about what you enjoyed about your time together and what you anticipate in the future. Remember that the photos/video are representations of the real you.

If, like me, you're reluctant to put it all out there for the camera, you could always draw a picture of yourselves for your spouse. Here's mine:

Not really, of course. I'm much prettier than that.

So what about the readers? Have you taken photos or videos of yourselves? Do you have recommendations? What have you done to protect the privacy and security of such images?

What Does It Mean to Be Feminine?

Painting by Gustav Klimt

Let's get this out of the way: My answer to the title's question is I don't know. I don't know with certainty any more than I could pinpoint what it means to be masculine. Yet I think it's worth considering. After all, I am a woman. I'm supposed to be feminine.

Whereas the dictionary definition for masculine includes such traits as strength, boldness, and bravery, feminine is defined as "having qualities traditionally ascribed to women, as sensitivity or gentleness." Am I sensitive? Am I gentle?

I look at women of the Bible like Dorcas who made clothing and helped the poor; Ruth who promised to stay with her mother-in-law and care for her; and Sarah who was praised in 1 Peter 3 because she "obeyed Abraham and called him her master." Hmmm. I am no domestic diva, and if I called my husband "master," he would assume I was being sarcastic.

Never one to avoid a challenge, however, I started looking at women of the Bible more closely -- beginning with Hebrews 11, also known as The Hall of Faith. The writer mentions by name those who lived "by faith." As I scanned for women, I came upon Rahab. Rahab??! Now there's a gal I can relate to! A woman of ill-repute turned believer and defender of God's people, she even appears in Jesus' bloodline.

So rather than focusing on a single female, I want to look at several Biblical women -- their character and their "femininity." Note, however, that personality plays an important part in how these are expressed. Indeed, Greg commented on my masculinity post with a fabulous equation:

Godly character + God-given personality + male -> true masculinity
Godly character + God-given personality + female -> true femininity

And now the women.

Hannah. Hannah longed to have children. She prayed fervently to God, was given a child, and presented him (Samuel) to serve at the temple. Each year she made Samuel a robe/coat and brought it to him with the annual sacrifice to the Lord.

Rahab. Rahab was a prostitute in the city of Jericho and hid two Israelite spies. She lied to the Jericho king and sent his men on a wild goose chase while she sneaked the spies out of the city. In return, she asked them to spare her family when Israel conquered the city by the Lord's might.

Jael. Jael lived during the days of another biblical woman, the judge Deborah. When the Israelite general refused to enter battle alone, Deborah relented by going with the army but foretold that victory would go to a woman. Meanwhile, Jael was hanging out at her tent doing the usual thing (oh, the piles of laundry!) and saw the enemy's leader escaping. She invited him in and gave him covering, a drink, and a place to rest. When he fell asleep, Jael grabbed a tent peg and drove it through his temple.

Ruth. Ruth was a Moabite married to the Naomi's son. When both were widowed, Naomi decided to return to her homeland. Ruth left her own home and accompanied her mother-in-law. Ruth worked to keep them both fed and then flirted with Boaz, thus securing a marriage proposal and provision for her and Naomi for years to come. Ruth is also in Jesus' bloodline.

Esther. Esther could have been crowned Miss Susa because she won the beauty pageant that King Xerxes held to choose his next wife. One of the king's nobles, Haman hatched a plot to kill all of the Jews and got the king to sign on. Esther risked her own life to approach her royal husband and unveiled the wickedness of Haman, thus saving her people.

Mary, mother of Jesus. Called "highly favored" by the angel Gabriel, this young woman was chosen to be Jesus' mother. When the angel  pronounced Jesus' coming, she replied, "I am the Lord’s servant. May it be to me as you have said." Afterward, she visited her cousin Elizabeth to care for her in pregnancy; she treasured in her heart the unusual happenings of her Christ-child as he grew; and she stood at the cross as Jesus sacrificed his life.

Dorcas. Dorcas was "always doing good and helping the door." When the apostle Peter came through her hometown of Joppa, she had died and the widows showed Peter the clothing Dorcas had made. Peter prayed over her, and she rose from the dead.

Lydia. Lydia is described as a "dealer in purple cloth" (rich). She was a "worshipper of God," but when the apostle Paul passed through, she responded to his message and was baptized. She then  "persuaded us" (Paul, Silas, Timothy, and Luke) to stay at her house.

Do you identify with one or more in particular? Is there is a thread that runs through their stories? Of course, they exhibit godly character, and that is the most important part. It is what Jesus referred to as the one, better thing when Mary of Bethany "sat at the Lord's feet listening to what he said." (Luke 10). But I note three traits that seem more feminine than masculine:

Relational. There is a focus with their actions on people. Men tend to be more task-oriented, and women more people-oriented. What did Rahab care most about saving? Her family. Why did Dorcas sew clothes? To help poor people. Why did Ruth follow Naomi? She cared about her mother-in-law. This relational focus has been demonstrated by studies over and over. It's isn't simply gender stereotyping. Give a girl a couple of dolls and she will create a community; give a boy a couple of dolls and he will fashion them into weaponry. These approaches complement each other in society, but we are often different in our focus.

Nurturing. Biblical women took care of others. Women are often considered nurturers, and we are. Lydia provided a place for the disciples to stay, Ruth cared for her mother-in-law, Dorcas helped the poor, Hannah provided a robe for Samuel year after year. Certainly men care for others, but we gals are typically more in touch with meeting the physical needs of people around us. That might involve cooking fabulous meals or running through McDonald's, but we do it.

Verbal. Biologically, God has made women more verbal. The average woman speaks 20,000 words per day, while the average man speaks 7,000. So it's interesting to see how these women use their command of words to achieve godly ends. Jael doesn't simply whack the enemy's general with a tent peg when he walks in (what most men would have done); she woos him inside with her words, makes him feel safe, and then wham! Esther approaches the king and makes her case to save her people. Lydia persuades the apostles with her words. And take a look at the expressions of faith in Hannah's prayer (1 Samuel 2:1) or Mary's song (Luke 1). Women generally talk more than men, and we can use that verbal gift to His glory.

Now these biblical women were sensitive and gentle*, but they were also strong. They showed courage. I want to be like that. Wholly female. Wholly courageous. Wholly God's.

I believe that God had something complementary in mind when "male and female He created them" (Genesis 1:27). Above all, our Christian character matters. But we are biologically and biblically given a role to play as male or female.

Your turn. What do you think it means to be "feminine"? What do you think of the world's definition of femininity? How do you think women can uniquely glorify God in their lives?

Thanks to Lori Byerly of The Generous Wife who challenged me to post about femininity.

*Of course, all Christians are commanded to be gentle (Galatians 5:23; Ephesians 4:22; Philippians 4:5; Colossians 3:12).

Comments reminder: I moderate all comments. Feel free to argue with the content of what I or others say, but please be respectful and keep debate to the topic itself. I don't publish personal attacks because they don't further our conversation or understanding.

Wedding Night Sex

We're back to Monday -- the day I have designated to answer readers' questions. I intended to answer a different question (sorry if it was yours) until Gray left this comment on my Q&A for J at HHH post:

I came across this on twitter and is just in time! I am getting married in 12 days and me and my fiance are both virgins and have only "pop kissed." I am really not nervous at all and am so excited for Gods gift of intimacy to us! I was just wondering if you could give me some tips or things I should know going into this so I can make it the best possible experience for my future wife and I. I am a blank slate :) Thank you so much!

This one is time-sensitive! At this point, Gray is less than a week away from tying the knot. Congratulations to the groom and lovely bride.

So here are my tips for first-timers:

Lower your expectations. I kind of hate to start with that; however, I wrote a post about having High Standards and Low Expectations in marriage. Our standard is not just good marriages, but great marriages; not just good sex, but great sex. However, we don't expect every single moment to give us the body shivers. Sometimes we put so much pressure on the wedding or the first time to set the stage for the whole marriage. The wedding and honeymoon are the kick-off (American football reference). It's an important beginning, but there's a whole game left to play.

So treat this moment for what it is: The beginning of physical intimacy with your wife. It may be amazing, or it may be the preview to amazing. Either way, enjoy it.

Talk to your bride about preconceptions. I had a Christian friend in college who told me that he didn't want to consummate his marriage on the first night; rather, he wanted to hold his new bride all night long. My response was something like, "Pfft, you're kidding! This poor girl been physically ready for the last 10 years, and you're going to put her off another night? What are you?! A sadist??!" (I was expressive back then too.) Now he may have found his hold-me-all-night girl, but that is not at all what I wanted for my wedding night.

Have a quick chat with your bride about what you each want. You can chat ahead of time -- though not in the same room (too tempting) -- or wait until after the wedding but before the festivities. Does she want to don a pretty nightgown, order room service, and slow dance in the room before making love? Does he plan to walk through the hotel room door, strip down, and get busy? Both approaches are perfectly fine in marriage, but you can imagine how this is going to cause trouble if hubby and wife show up with different scripts for how this momentous night should go. Check for any mismatch in your expectations for the night and clear the air.

Go slow. No, slower. Take your time. This wedding night is your first chance to explore one another's bodies, find out what feels good, and revel in the beauty and intimacy you will share this time and many others for years to come. Why rush?

Spend time with her whole body. Have you heard that song Your Body is a Wonderland by John Mayer? Whatever you think of that song, I love the way he describes lovemaking. The singer doesn't focus on breasts, booty, etc., as many of today's pop artists do. No, he talks about his lovely woman's skin, lips, hair, and shape. He's into all of her.

But thousands of years before Mayer penned his lyrics, the Lover in the Song of Songs described his Beloved's "wonderland." Three different times, the husband goes into detail about the beauty of his wife's body, including this passage:

Your graceful legs are like jewels, the work of a craftsman’s hands.
Your navel is a rounded goblet that never lacks blended wine.
Your waist is a mound of wheat encircled by lilies.
Your breasts are like two fawns, twins of a gazelle.
Your neck is like an ivory tower.
Your eyes are the pools of Heshbon by the gate of Bath Rabbim.
Your nose is like the tower of Lebanon looking toward Damascus.
Your head crowns you like Mount Carmel.
Your hair is like royal tapestry; the king is held captive by its tresses.
How beautiful you are and how pleasing, O love, with your delights!
Your stature is like that of the palm, and your breasts like clusters of fruit.

Take time to find pleasure in all of your wife's gorgeous form on this first night.

Plus, women take longer to become aroused than men. Most likely, as soon as your bride drops the nightgown, Groom Jr. will salute and be ready to charge. But he isn't in charge; you are. So quiet him down and slow the pace so your wife can catch up. Expect to spend up to a half hour or more getting her ready for intercourse. Bluntly speaking, she needs to be dripping wet and her inner vaginal lips must be swollen to two times or more their normal size for penetration to feel comfortable. She will need foreplay -- lots of it.

Try to make it last. Virgin men seem to me a lot like the soda bottle that has been shaken up for a long time. You have been aroused over and over without the opportunity to fully express that build-up. Now, here's your chance! So what happens with a shaken-up Coke bottle when you remove the lid? Yep, that's right. It bursts out, and a few seconds later the fizz is down and the hullabaloo is over. Now before you swear at me for insulting manhood: I love men. I love men so much that I compared your breed to Coca-Cola (which, if you knew my soda-consuming habits, you would recognize as a high compliment!). You see, I don't think any Coca-Cola should go to waste.

Yet, the first time you might enter your wife and two seconds later, you're done. Can that happen? It can. It does. You can try to hold off by coming close to ejaculation, pausing for a few minutes, and then resuming stimulation or thrusting. But if you "come" quickly, be assured that your ability to last will increase with age and sexual experience. Plus, your Coke bottle will fill back up and you can go at it again later in the night, in the morning, or on your honeymoon.

If early release continues to be an issue, One Flesh Marriage posted on premature ejaculation with tips for increasing how long a husband can last before climax. That excellent post is HERE.

Help a girl out after. It ain't over until your bride says it's over. Approach the before, during, and after as a we thing. When you're done, you may still need to attend to the following.

• Does she want you to keep stimulating her? If so, continue to stroke her until she feels satisfied.
• Would she like you to hold her? This is a biggie for a lot of wives. For the act to have deeper meaning, a woman often wishes to be embraced afterward for a few seconds, a few minutes, or longer. This may also be a good time to talk, as many spouses become emotionally vulnerable after they have been physically vulnerable.
• Help her clean up, if she wants. Sex is messy. There are fluids. Get a washcloth or towel for herself or the bed. You could even plant it near the bed beforehand.
• Encourage your bride to empty her bladder. Her private areas are more susceptible to infection with sexual activity. Indeed, enough newlywed women have gotten urinary tract infections that it is sometimes referred to as "honeymoonitis." Using the bathroom after sex can help a woman rid her body of bacteria that can cause infection.
• Reassure your bride of something great about the experience. In the Song of Songs, the lovers continue to talk after their encounter about how wonderful it was, how handsome or beautiful their spouse is, and how much they love one another. Take a tip from the Bible: Pay a genuine compliment.

Rinse and Repeat. Ha! Seriously, though, you get to do this over and over and over and over . . . Ain't God generous? I love the findings that Sheila Wray Gregoire reported in The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex that the best sex is had by couples who have been married for many years. With time, effort, and know-how, we get better at it.

After __ years of marriage, my hubby knows my body far better than he did in the first year or two. I also know what I can do to contribute to his pleasure and my own. We've explored and experimented, learned and laughed, grown and groaned. (I needed another g-word to keep up the alliteration.) We have a sex life that doesn't include a few encounters, but thousands. That makes for a very special bond.

Have fun. Whenever I send my kids somewhere, I load them down with rules like be respectful, mind your manners, etc. and then add one last "rule": Have fun.

That's true for your wedding night and honeymoon as well. I didn't include the anatomy lesson you might have expected because you two can figure that out as you go. Don't overthink it. Don't worry if the first time doesn't cause the earth to open and the angels to sing above you. Of course, it may. But have fun. And keep having fun.

May you have many years of happiness, personal growth, and mind-blowing sex.

Note: The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex would be a great read for your bride, and Sheila specifically addresses newlywed wives.