The last three weeks, I've taken the time to talk about building a wall around your marriage to keep out Satan's attacks on your marital covenant, the biblical response to sexual temptation, and the steps that lead to an affair.
This topic has come about primarily because a good friend of mine is going through the total destruction of her marriage due to the adulterous actions of her husband. This came from a man I would have never suspected was capable of such a thing. However, I believe that given the right combination of circumstances and a lack of intentionality in preventing adultery, sexual temptation can creep up and take just about anyone hostage. We must be as innocent as doves and as shrewd as snakes regarding this issue (Matthew 10:16).
So what if you're already there? What if you are already in a compromised situation with someone outside your marriage?
I have discussed here my sexually promiscuous past before my marriage. In effect, that was adultery too because I was having sexual contact with someone other than my husband. God desired for me to focus all of my sexual energy on the spouse that He would provide for me. I've done a lot of thinking since then about what would have prevented me from getting trapped in sexual temptation. I have a list of things that would have helped me never arrive at that point. However, I am less certain what someone could have said at that time to pull me out. The one direct challenge I received, I rebuffed like a volleyball and then stopped talking to that person.
So what can I say to you either? What words can get us to wake up and understand that things can be different?
I think the words are What if. When you are in the midst of sexual sin, you don't see how you can go without and you don't want to. You also don't want to feel the horrendous guilt or hurt others in the process. So you feel stuck.
Here's what someone might have said to me then, and it could have made a real difference:
What if you could have the pleasure you experience without the guilt?
What if
you could have this experience within a secure, committed relationship?
What
if you knew that you would be able to stop yourself before going too far?
What if you could feel pure again?
In a similar vein, if you are in a compromised sexual position with someone other than your spouse, you need to ask some important what if questions:
What if you could have all these feelings of romance and desire for the spouse you already covenanted with?
What if you knew your relationship with God and your spouse could be restored?
What if you knew the other person you're falling in love with would be okay without you?
Time after time, couples have survived infidelity. These are not hypothetical what-ifs. They can happen. In fact, I suggest you follow Marriage Life Ministries and My Beloved Is Mine blogs to see stories from people who not only survived but thrived after adultery. AffairCare also offers resources for renewing a marriage after infidelity.
And I assure you that making that other person into an adultery partner is not doing him or her any favors: You are hurting their reputation, their family, their future, and their relationship with God. Step away and let them find an appropriate mate for life.
If you don't believe that God can redeem your marital relationship, I pray that you will reconsider. I believe in every fiber of my being that's exactly what God wills to do. Jeremiah 29:11-13 says, "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.'" And Psalm 37:3-6 says, "Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him and he will do this: He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun."
Read The Gospel in the Bedroom for more on God's desire for your marital intimacy.
Stop and ask yourself What if? What if this affair doesn't work out? What if things could be better in my marriage if I would give it my all? What if the way that seems right to me isn't the way I should go? ("There is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death." Proverbs 14:12) What if my marriage could not just survive, but thrive?
What if.
I also highly recommend that you check out the powerful post and the video presented by the Mission:Husband blog: 'Til Death Do Us Part.
Thursday, August 30, 2012
Monday, August 27, 2012
Are "Au Naturale" Destinations Okay?
I'm so happy for the chance to ask this question b/c I have no idea who else to ask and I love your blog so much! Please talk to me about au natural/nude beaches. My dh and I are both strong Christians, but when he's in Jamaica at a resort, he loves the au natural beach - he's private about it and doesn't look at other women, but loves the warm sun and sea on his skin. I'm much more modest, and I haven't found any biblical grounds for nudity in a public place like that. This is a real problem, 'cause I want to bless him with what makes him relaxed and happy, but I don't have the conviction that this is o.k. as a Christian. How can we resolve this? Thanks!!!
I posted a brief reply to that question. We'll start with what I said then:
"I can do a whole post on this, but my quick answer is no, it's not okay biblically. 1 Corinthians 7:4 says, 'The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife.' Our bodies are not for public viewing, but belong to ourselves and our spouses. Some parts are indeed private. Moreover, 1 Corinthians 10:23-24: '"Everything is permissible"—but not everything is beneficial. "Everything is permissible"—but not everything is constructive. Nobody should seek his own good, but the good of others.' I can't see how traipsing around on a nudist beach is beneficial, constructive, and for the good of others. It sounds like your husband is pursuing his own interest. And I'm sorry to say, his claim that he isn't looking at other women if he sees them on the nude beach is at the very least questionable.
"Personally, I really enjoy skinny-dipping. I can understand the pleasure of warm sun and sea (or river or pool water, etc.) on your skin. However, there are ways to accomplish this WITHOUT visiting nude beaches where you see others naked or expose yourself to others.
"Somehow you need to let him know this is not okay with you. Of course, attacking him with anger and scripture isn't likely to get you the results you want. Try approaching him with your concerns and questions about why he does this and how you and he might do it far more privately and biblically. My thoughts and prayers are with you!"
So here's the skinny. (Seriously, couldn't resist.)
For your spouse, not others. This is an activity a couple should probably engage in together. If one of you wants to frolic around naked outdoors, why would you do it in the presence of others and not with your spouse? The better route would be to save outdoor nudity for those trips you can take together. That way, hubby can gaze to his heart's delight on the woman who belongs to him, and the wife can do the same (and yeah, I'm kind of thinking she can be there to keep his eyes where they belong). It may feel very uncomfortable the first time you get naked outside, but if you choose a secluded area, you might find that you and your spouse can enjoy the experience.
Accommodating destinations. Some places will accommodate your request for such privacy. Since the wife mentioned Jamaica, I started there--at the Visit Jamaica website. According to the website, au naturel settings are popular in Jamaica and accommodated by several beaches and resorts. While there are nude beaches, the site claims that guests can "ask for a little more privacy at Reggae Vibes, Ocho Rios, and the managers will corner off a section of the beach just for you." I take them at their word that there are options for a couple to have a private space where they can bare it all--for each other and each other alone.
Finding a spot. You can also hunt down your own place to enjoy an au naturale experience. Find a secluded cabin or house, and I bet no one would bother you. Seek out lodging that has a private pool or hot tub for the two of you to enjoy. One of my readers suggested looking at a vacation rental website for "private cabins who ask [their] hot tub users to not wear anything into [the] tub." This anonymous reader also mentioned that "There [are] also places where they have private ponds or lakes that you could do most anything nude in your own private place." I feel certain that such places exist, even if you might have to look a little harder to find them. You can also tap a travel agent for advice and lodging options. In almost every church I've attended, there has been a travel agent, so ask around to find someone who would understand and accommodate your desire.
Be careful. There are laws against public nudity (also known as "indecent exposure," "public lewdness" and "public indecency") in many places. In the U.S., these laws are set by each state. Thus, you have to be careful where you show your stuff. You don't want to have to explain to your children that mommy got in trouble with the police for letting it all hang out.
Avoiding lust. One of the biggest problems with the assertion that one isn't looking at others on the nude beach is that, even if true, you could still be a temptation to lust for others. In Matthew 5:28, Jesus said, "But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart." Then in 1 Corinthians 8:13, Paul says about meat sacrificed to idols: "Therefore, if what I eat causes my brother to fall into sin, I will never eat meat again, so that I will not cause him to fall." Tying these biblical principles together, we can conclude that going nude in a way that causes someone to sinfully lust is not okay with God.
It's hard to avoid lusting with our own eyes as well. I have a difficult time imagining a guy enjoying a visit to a nude beach and not being there in part to look at the naked women. I don't want to cast doubt on your husband's integrity, nor do I want to cause a wedge between the two of you, but that sounds like a tall order for any guy. While I aim my posts at the wives (did you ever notice the feminine pink and orange background?), I know I have male readers and they can provide a man's perspective which I obviously cannot, so maybe they can chime in here on whether it's possible to go to a nude beach and not look at the women there. I gotta say that plenty of us gals would have a challenge as well if a Daniel Craig-type walked by naked. In Job 31:1, Job wisely says, "I made a covenant with my eyes not to look lustfully at a girl." We need to make that covenant ourselves, which means that public exposure of private parts isn't a good or godly idea.
Just say no. Another obvious solution is to simply not get naked outside, period. I mentioned in my brief response to the commenter that I enjoy skinny dipping. I do, but I haven't been in (counting on fingers)...forever. Because seriously, how important is it for me to get naked in a pool or body of water? Is it worth hunting down a secluded location for me to strip down and show my stuff? Is it worth the cost of putting a pool in my back yard and a high (possibly electrified) fence to keep my goods hidden? How badly do I really want to swim nude? Not that bad. If an opportunity arises someday for me to skinny dip in a private, holy way, I may indeed do so. But in the meantime, it just isn't that important.
That said, if naked outings are a priority and a great pleasure for your husband, then the two of you should expend some time and money finding a way to enjoy this activity together and in a private, holy manner--not exposing your nudity to others. Will it take more effort? Quite likely, yes. But the benefit of keeping yourselves only for one another and not tempting others to lust is worth it.
Thursday, August 23, 2012
7 Steps to an Affair
The last two weeks, I've been talking about the temptation of adultery: first with an admonition to protect your marriage with boundaries and then with the Bible's answer to sexual temptation--flee. If you've ever witnessed someone in your Christian circle fall to sexual temptation and become entangled in an affair, the question that we all ask is how. How did this person go from being a spouse who promised to "keep myself only unto you" to the person sneaking around to cheat on their marriage partner?
Proverbs 5 breaks it down. In this passage, King Solomon tells his son not only the importance of avoiding adultery, but how to keep from becoming entrapped. His words of warning show how this happens. Knowing the progression of an affair means that we can see the steps and stop the process anywhere along the way.
STEP ONE: DON'T ADMIT YOU NEED A PLAN.
My son, pay attention to my wisdom,
listen well to my words of insight,
that you may maintain discretion
and your lips may preserve knowledge.
That's where this all starts--with a willingness to believe that you could fall if you don't heed the warnings and encouragement of God.
STEP TWO: START WITH WORDS.
For the lips of an adulteress drip honey,
and her speech is smoother than oil;
but in the end she is bitter as gall,
sharp as a double-edged sword.
Her feet go down to death;
her steps lead straight to the grave.
She gives no thought to the way of life;
her paths are crooked, but she knows it not.
An affair starts with words. This woman's words are described as being like "honey" and "smoother than oil." The most reckless affairs can begin with seemingly harmless conversations in which someone makes you feel good about yourself. Maybe things aren't going so well at home, and you don't feel appreciated. And then your co-worker or friend compliments you, converses about interesting topics instead of how to juggle the family schedule, or even comments on how you are not being treated as well as you should be by your spouse.
According to that last line, she/he may not even know that they are on a crooked path. This person isn't thinking clearly either about where it will all lead, how the destination is death...the death of your marriage. The conversations may not feel like betrayal to your spouse since it's just words, right? You haven't actually done anything.
And it's true that you can stop it here. If you realize that you have become more comfortable talking or listening to a man other than your husband, you can back off and stop anything else from happening. If this is where you are, think right now about how this could be the beginning of the end for you and your marriage.
STEP THREE: KEEP IN TOUCH.
Now then, my sons, listen to me;
do not turn aside from what I say.
Keep to a path far from her,
do not go near the door of her house,
lest you give your best strength to others
and your years to one who is cruel,
lest strangers feast on your wealth
and your toil enrich another man’s house.
So far it's just words, but Solomon is very clearly in his prescription: "do not go near." Even if you think you're strong enough to handle a close opposite-sex friendship, the wisest man ever is saying, "Don't risk it. Stay away." The Bible's answer to sexual temptation is not to master your urges in the moment but to avoid being in a compromising position to begin with.
If you are starting to have feelings, ties, or sexual thoughts about someone outside your marriage, do not go near that person. Break off contact. Be bold about protecting your marriage.
STEP FOUR: IGNORE OTHERS.
At the end of your life you will groan,
when your flesh and body are spent.
You will say, “How I hated discipline!
How my heart spurned correction!
I would not obey my teachers
or listen to my instructors.
I have come to the brink of utter ruin
in the midst of the whole assembly.”
The next step is not listening to others. This can be exhibited in different ways. You may have someone who actually speaks up and voices concern about your contact with this person, and you rationalize it and avoid further conversation. It could be that you simply don't tell anyone. You know in your heart that others would have an issue with the close relationship you're developing with someone other than your spouse, so you don't tell anyone. You just don't want to hear their correction. Whatever form this takes, you are listening to your own desires and your new found love interest.
You can stop now. Tell someone about your thoughts and feelings. Get discipline. Get correction. Avoid ruin.
STEP FIVE: LET YOUR SPOUSE GO.
Drink water from your own cistern,
running water from your own well.
Should your springs overflow in the streets,
your streams of water in the public squares?
Let them be yours alone,
never to be shared with strangers.
May your fountain be blessed,
and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth.
A loving doe, a graceful deer —
may her breasts satisfy you always,
may you ever be captivated by her love.
An affair takes full force when one diverts emotional and sexual energy away from their spouse and gives it to another. You wanna have lots of great sex? Keep it in your marriage.
This may be a challenge for some. Perhaps the relationship or couple's sex life isn't flourishing. It needs work, commitment, and time to become a situation where you are "captivated" by your spouse's love. Believe that God can reenergize your marriage if you will recommit to it. Drink water from your own cistern.
STEP SIX: COMMIT TO THE AFFAIR
Why be captivated, my son, by an adulteress?
Why embrace the bosom of another man’s wife?
You're full in now. You're captivated by someone other than your spouse. You are embracing the affair partner in a sexual way. You have given your heart, your energy, and your body to another outside your marriage.
Is it too late? The message of the Bible is that it is never too late to do the right thing, to get on the right path, to repent and find forgiveness. If the Rahab can go from being a prostitute to a grandmother in Jesus' bloodline; if King David can find favor in God's eyes after adultery and murder; if the Apostle Paul can turn his life around from persecutor to proclaimer of the Gospel; then you can leave this affair, seek God with all of your heart (Jeremiah 29:13), and do everything within your power to restore your relationship with Him and your marriage.
STEP SEVEN: SOW WHAT YOU REAP.
For a man’s ways are in full view of the Lord,
and he examines all his paths.
The evil deeds of a wicked man ensnare him;
the cords of his sin hold him fast.
He will die for lack of discipline,
led astray by his own great folly.
The world around us is constantly teaching that you can get away with sexual relations outside marriage. Think of all of the books you've read or movies you've seen that get you rooting for an adulterous relationship. We may even know of someone who left a marriage, married their affair partner, and seems to be doing well.
However, I fully believe Galatians 6:7: "Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows." And the passage above says that "a man's ways are in full view of the Lord." There are consequences to sin. Ask those who have been down this path and suffered the hardship of divorce and separation from their God, their church, the family, and their friends.
An affair leads to the shattering of expectations, promises, and lives. It is not a private choice between two consensual adults. It is sin.
If we can see how this could happen, we might see how to prevent it. Stop the progression at any point before the physical affair begins and damage can be mitigated. If you are on this path and are flirting with danger, stop, flee, heed the warnings. If you have gone too far, go back. You can turn your heart away from the affair partner. You can ask your spouse for forgiveness. You can recommit and do everything in your power to reclaim the love you had lost with your spouse.
There's a fabulous song in Jonah: A VeggieTales Movie called "Second Chances." In it are the lyrics:
You can be restored from your darkest circumstances.
Our God is a God of second chances.
Note: For those of you who track my blog, my apologies for missing Monday's post. An unexpected visit from a friend and a funeral kept me offline. I'll return with more Q&A on August 27.
Proverbs 5 breaks it down. In this passage, King Solomon tells his son not only the importance of avoiding adultery, but how to keep from becoming entrapped. His words of warning show how this happens. Knowing the progression of an affair means that we can see the steps and stop the process anywhere along the way.
STEP ONE: DON'T ADMIT YOU NEED A PLAN.
My son, pay attention to my wisdom,
listen well to my words of insight,
that you may maintain discretion
and your lips may preserve knowledge.
That's where this all starts--with a willingness to believe that you could fall if you don't heed the warnings and encouragement of God.
STEP TWO: START WITH WORDS.
For the lips of an adulteress drip honey,
and her speech is smoother than oil;
but in the end she is bitter as gall,
sharp as a double-edged sword.
Her feet go down to death;
her steps lead straight to the grave.
She gives no thought to the way of life;
her paths are crooked, but she knows it not.
An affair starts with words. This woman's words are described as being like "honey" and "smoother than oil." The most reckless affairs can begin with seemingly harmless conversations in which someone makes you feel good about yourself. Maybe things aren't going so well at home, and you don't feel appreciated. And then your co-worker or friend compliments you, converses about interesting topics instead of how to juggle the family schedule, or even comments on how you are not being treated as well as you should be by your spouse.
According to that last line, she/he may not even know that they are on a crooked path. This person isn't thinking clearly either about where it will all lead, how the destination is death...the death of your marriage. The conversations may not feel like betrayal to your spouse since it's just words, right? You haven't actually done anything.
And it's true that you can stop it here. If you realize that you have become more comfortable talking or listening to a man other than your husband, you can back off and stop anything else from happening. If this is where you are, think right now about how this could be the beginning of the end for you and your marriage.
STEP THREE: KEEP IN TOUCH.
Now then, my sons, listen to me;
do not turn aside from what I say.
Keep to a path far from her,
do not go near the door of her house,
lest you give your best strength to others
and your years to one who is cruel,
lest strangers feast on your wealth
and your toil enrich another man’s house.
So far it's just words, but Solomon is very clearly in his prescription: "do not go near." Even if you think you're strong enough to handle a close opposite-sex friendship, the wisest man ever is saying, "Don't risk it. Stay away." The Bible's answer to sexual temptation is not to master your urges in the moment but to avoid being in a compromising position to begin with.
If you are starting to have feelings, ties, or sexual thoughts about someone outside your marriage, do not go near that person. Break off contact. Be bold about protecting your marriage.
STEP FOUR: IGNORE OTHERS.
At the end of your life you will groan,
when your flesh and body are spent.
You will say, “How I hated discipline!
How my heart spurned correction!
I would not obey my teachers
or listen to my instructors.
I have come to the brink of utter ruin
in the midst of the whole assembly.”
The next step is not listening to others. This can be exhibited in different ways. You may have someone who actually speaks up and voices concern about your contact with this person, and you rationalize it and avoid further conversation. It could be that you simply don't tell anyone. You know in your heart that others would have an issue with the close relationship you're developing with someone other than your spouse, so you don't tell anyone. You just don't want to hear their correction. Whatever form this takes, you are listening to your own desires and your new found love interest.
You can stop now. Tell someone about your thoughts and feelings. Get discipline. Get correction. Avoid ruin.
STEP FIVE: LET YOUR SPOUSE GO.
Drink water from your own cistern,
running water from your own well.
Should your springs overflow in the streets,
your streams of water in the public squares?
Let them be yours alone,
never to be shared with strangers.
May your fountain be blessed,
and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth.
A loving doe, a graceful deer —
may her breasts satisfy you always,
may you ever be captivated by her love.
An affair takes full force when one diverts emotional and sexual energy away from their spouse and gives it to another. You wanna have lots of great sex? Keep it in your marriage.
This may be a challenge for some. Perhaps the relationship or couple's sex life isn't flourishing. It needs work, commitment, and time to become a situation where you are "captivated" by your spouse's love. Believe that God can reenergize your marriage if you will recommit to it. Drink water from your own cistern.
STEP SIX: COMMIT TO THE AFFAIR
Why be captivated, my son, by an adulteress?
Why embrace the bosom of another man’s wife?
You're full in now. You're captivated by someone other than your spouse. You are embracing the affair partner in a sexual way. You have given your heart, your energy, and your body to another outside your marriage.
Is it too late? The message of the Bible is that it is never too late to do the right thing, to get on the right path, to repent and find forgiveness. If the Rahab can go from being a prostitute to a grandmother in Jesus' bloodline; if King David can find favor in God's eyes after adultery and murder; if the Apostle Paul can turn his life around from persecutor to proclaimer of the Gospel; then you can leave this affair, seek God with all of your heart (Jeremiah 29:13), and do everything within your power to restore your relationship with Him and your marriage.
STEP SEVEN: SOW WHAT YOU REAP.
For a man’s ways are in full view of the Lord,
and he examines all his paths.
The evil deeds of a wicked man ensnare him;
the cords of his sin hold him fast.
He will die for lack of discipline,
led astray by his own great folly.
The world around us is constantly teaching that you can get away with sexual relations outside marriage. Think of all of the books you've read or movies you've seen that get you rooting for an adulterous relationship. We may even know of someone who left a marriage, married their affair partner, and seems to be doing well.
However, I fully believe Galatians 6:7: "Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows." And the passage above says that "a man's ways are in full view of the Lord." There are consequences to sin. Ask those who have been down this path and suffered the hardship of divorce and separation from their God, their church, the family, and their friends.
An affair leads to the shattering of expectations, promises, and lives. It is not a private choice between two consensual adults. It is sin.
If we can see how this could happen, we might see how to prevent it. Stop the progression at any point before the physical affair begins and damage can be mitigated. If you are on this path and are flirting with danger, stop, flee, heed the warnings. If you have gone too far, go back. You can turn your heart away from the affair partner. You can ask your spouse for forgiveness. You can recommit and do everything in your power to reclaim the love you had lost with your spouse.
There's a fabulous song in Jonah: A VeggieTales Movie called "Second Chances." In it are the lyrics:
You can be restored from your darkest circumstances.
Our God is a God of second chances.
Note: For those of you who track my blog, my apologies for missing Monday's post. An unexpected visit from a friend and a funeral kept me offline. I'll return with more Q&A on August 27.
Thursday, August 16, 2012
The Bible's Answer to Sexual Temptation
Last week, I got a case of righteous indignation after learning that two couples I know have been impacted by adultery. I suggested that we need to stop talking about building a hedge for our marriage and instead erect a strong wall to keep out Satan's attacks on our covenant. This week, I want to look at what the Bible says about what someone should do when directly faced with sexual temptation.
You can't stay behind that wall all the time, of course. While I personally established The Rule that I will not be alone with a man who is neither my husband nor a male relative, that isn't practical for everyone. I recognize that you may need to be with someone of the opposite sex for work or in other circumstances. You may even find yourself tempted by someone when in a group. You may be contacted on social media by a person from your past that brings up residual feelings. You may receive overt come-ons from someone when you didn't ask for them. You are human. You were designed by God as a sexual being. You may one day be tempted to engage in flirtation, romance, or physical contact with someone other than your spouse.
So you should know how keep things on the up-and-up, you should have a ready response, you should prepare for battle...Nope. That isn't it. We often think that the way to handle an adulterous opportunity is to talk our way out of it--explain to the presenting party that we love our spouse and we want to remain friends and nothing more, blah, blah, blah.
Hey, we are never instructed in Scripture to do hand-to-hand combat with sexual temptation! Do you know what the biblical teaching for such temptation is? FLEE. That's right. Create distance between you and the temptation. Go away. Run for your life. Get the heck outta Dodge.
Joseph is the prime example for how to handle sexual temptation. After being sold into slavery by his brothers, he went to work in Egypt at Potiphar's house. He is described in the Bible as "well-built and handsome." So yeah, he was the Israelite version of Brad Pitt, Ian Somerhalder, Robert Pattison, or whoever you think makes nice-viewing. In fact, Scripture says that Potiphar's wife "took notice" of that nice view. And then she made her move. At first, Joseph explains that he will not do that to her, his master, or his God. But that doesn't do it, of course.
Genesis 39:10-12: "And though [Potiphar's wife] spoke to Joseph day after day, he refused to go to bed with her or even be with her. One day he went into the house to attend to his duties, and none of the household servants was inside. She caught him by his cloak and said, 'Come to bed with me!' But he left his cloak in her hand and ran out of the house." Do you think Joseph would have stood a chance with Potiphar's wife if he had kept trying to reason with her? To push his sexual desires aside when a beautiful woman begged him to sleep with her? To stay in close proximity to easy sexuality without lusting? Fleeing was the not only the best, but the only option.
A few years down the road, the son of an adulterous relationship, Solomon, decides to instruct his son on sexual morality. You might think that his love of his mother Bathsheba and his father King David might sway him toward giving them a pass on their adultery. Things happen, right? King David wasn't trying to be an adulterer; he just fell in love with Bathsheba one day, and there you go (never mind that he was supposed to be at war with his army).
But Solomon passes along the wisdom he received from God to his own son. Rather than telling him to "look but don't touch" or "just stop before you doing anything really wrong" or giving him some speech about free milk and cows, Solomon says in Proverbs 5:8: "Keep to a path far from [the adulteress], do not go near the door of her house." The entire chapter is worth reading, but the lesson Solomon wants his son to receive is that the only way to avoid sinning sexually is to avoid the temptation altogether. Just don't get near it. If you find yourself on the wrong path, take a detour. Don't go there.
One other verse from the New Testament puts this concept in as straightforward a manner as possible. In 1 Corinthians 6:18, Paul says: "Flee from sexual immorality." The Greek word for "flee" here is pheugo, which means "to be saved by flight, to escape safely out of danger." Sexual temptation is a danger zone. You don't manage danger, so much as you get away from it. I don't talk my way out of an oncoming car; I get out of the road!
So if you find yourself tempted (and it is my belief that almost every married individual will at one time or another), FLEE! That means that you cut off opposite-sex friendships that begin to include flirtation or feel too familiar ("do not go near"); you avoid places where you will run into those who may tempt you ("he refused to...even be with her"); you deal with come-ons with physical distance ("ran out of the house"); and you know your escape route ("flee from sexual immorality").
Have you ever been in a tempting situation? Confession time: I have. When my marriage was struggling in prior years, I had a male friend whom I realized I enjoyed seeing a bit too much. Temptation to interact, flirt, or being physically close to someone outside marriage often happens when the marriage itself isn't meeting your needs for safety and intimacy.
What did I do? I fled. I stopped spending time with this couple (I was never alone with him during this time, since I was following my own rule). Whenever a stray thought about him appeared, I pushed it out and refocused myself on my husband. I confessed my inappropriate thoughts to a close female friend who was clearly on the side of my marriage. I created physical and mental distance. And you know what? A few months later, I had no such feelings for the guy. The feelings untended simply went away.
Boy, am I glad that I didn't confuse sexual temptation with covenant intimacy. I have a better marriage now than ever. God honored our faithfulness and commitment to one another by giving my husband and me a heart makeover that surpasses anything I had imagined.
Feeling tempted? Flee. That's the Bible's answer to sexual temptation.
You can't stay behind that wall all the time, of course. While I personally established The Rule that I will not be alone with a man who is neither my husband nor a male relative, that isn't practical for everyone. I recognize that you may need to be with someone of the opposite sex for work or in other circumstances. You may even find yourself tempted by someone when in a group. You may be contacted on social media by a person from your past that brings up residual feelings. You may receive overt come-ons from someone when you didn't ask for them. You are human. You were designed by God as a sexual being. You may one day be tempted to engage in flirtation, romance, or physical contact with someone other than your spouse.
So you should know how keep things on the up-and-up, you should have a ready response, you should prepare for battle...Nope. That isn't it. We often think that the way to handle an adulterous opportunity is to talk our way out of it--explain to the presenting party that we love our spouse and we want to remain friends and nothing more, blah, blah, blah.
Hey, we are never instructed in Scripture to do hand-to-hand combat with sexual temptation! Do you know what the biblical teaching for such temptation is? FLEE. That's right. Create distance between you and the temptation. Go away. Run for your life. Get the heck outta Dodge.
Joseph is the prime example for how to handle sexual temptation. After being sold into slavery by his brothers, he went to work in Egypt at Potiphar's house. He is described in the Bible as "well-built and handsome." So yeah, he was the Israelite version of Brad Pitt, Ian Somerhalder, Robert Pattison, or whoever you think makes nice-viewing. In fact, Scripture says that Potiphar's wife "took notice" of that nice view. And then she made her move. At first, Joseph explains that he will not do that to her, his master, or his God. But that doesn't do it, of course.
Genesis 39:10-12: "And though [Potiphar's wife] spoke to Joseph day after day, he refused to go to bed with her or even be with her. One day he went into the house to attend to his duties, and none of the household servants was inside. She caught him by his cloak and said, 'Come to bed with me!' But he left his cloak in her hand and ran out of the house." Do you think Joseph would have stood a chance with Potiphar's wife if he had kept trying to reason with her? To push his sexual desires aside when a beautiful woman begged him to sleep with her? To stay in close proximity to easy sexuality without lusting? Fleeing was the not only the best, but the only option.
A few years down the road, the son of an adulterous relationship, Solomon, decides to instruct his son on sexual morality. You might think that his love of his mother Bathsheba and his father King David might sway him toward giving them a pass on their adultery. Things happen, right? King David wasn't trying to be an adulterer; he just fell in love with Bathsheba one day, and there you go (never mind that he was supposed to be at war with his army).
But Solomon passes along the wisdom he received from God to his own son. Rather than telling him to "look but don't touch" or "just stop before you doing anything really wrong" or giving him some speech about free milk and cows, Solomon says in Proverbs 5:8: "Keep to a path far from [the adulteress], do not go near the door of her house." The entire chapter is worth reading, but the lesson Solomon wants his son to receive is that the only way to avoid sinning sexually is to avoid the temptation altogether. Just don't get near it. If you find yourself on the wrong path, take a detour. Don't go there.
One other verse from the New Testament puts this concept in as straightforward a manner as possible. In 1 Corinthians 6:18, Paul says: "Flee from sexual immorality." The Greek word for "flee" here is pheugo, which means "to be saved by flight, to escape safely out of danger." Sexual temptation is a danger zone. You don't manage danger, so much as you get away from it. I don't talk my way out of an oncoming car; I get out of the road!
So if you find yourself tempted (and it is my belief that almost every married individual will at one time or another), FLEE! That means that you cut off opposite-sex friendships that begin to include flirtation or feel too familiar ("do not go near"); you avoid places where you will run into those who may tempt you ("he refused to...even be with her"); you deal with come-ons with physical distance ("ran out of the house"); and you know your escape route ("flee from sexual immorality").
Have you ever been in a tempting situation? Confession time: I have. When my marriage was struggling in prior years, I had a male friend whom I realized I enjoyed seeing a bit too much. Temptation to interact, flirt, or being physically close to someone outside marriage often happens when the marriage itself isn't meeting your needs for safety and intimacy.
What did I do? I fled. I stopped spending time with this couple (I was never alone with him during this time, since I was following my own rule). Whenever a stray thought about him appeared, I pushed it out and refocused myself on my husband. I confessed my inappropriate thoughts to a close female friend who was clearly on the side of my marriage. I created physical and mental distance. And you know what? A few months later, I had no such feelings for the guy. The feelings untended simply went away.
Boy, am I glad that I didn't confuse sexual temptation with covenant intimacy. I have a better marriage now than ever. God honored our faithfulness and commitment to one another by giving my husband and me a heart makeover that surpasses anything I had imagined.
Feeling tempted? Flee. That's the Bible's answer to sexual temptation.
Monday, August 13, 2012
When He's Slow to Climax
After last week's interruption of our Monday Q&A sessions here (with Confessions of a Sexy and Sexy-Happy Hubby featuring my favorite guy, "Mr. Spock"), I'm back to fielding your questions. Here's today's question:
I have a husband who desperately desires sex more (we are going through 29 days to great sex currently and it is fantastic!) The problem we seem to be encountering is that unlike me, he has a hard time climaxing sometimes. Mostly when he is tired, but I almost always am ready before he is. Sometimes its ok, and I can go twice, but sometimes it's just been too long and my lady parts can't take it anymore :-/ It's not an issue of being aroused.. he describes it like he doesn't have enough control to be able to make it happen. Any suggestions??
I guarantee that this is a problem for more than one wife out there. Sure, we hear how hubbies are eager beavers and can barely hold back their climax, but that isn't always the way things play out in the marital bedroom. Sometimes, no matter how much he wants to get there, it's a challenge.
Let's start with understanding why this might happen to any husband, and then we'll go into what to do about it. So what are some causes of a husband having a difficult time reaching climax?
Age. As men age, the nerve endings in their penis become less sensitive, so what used to make them fire off a round easily may not quite get them there anymore.
Drugs. Medications can interfere with ejaculation. Specifically, most anti-depressants, anti-hypertensives (high blood pressure meds), anti-psychotic drugs, and some diuretics. In addition, excessive alcohol, marijuana use, or opiates can have a dulling effect on the ability to climax.
Disease or Injury. Husbands with diabetes, multiple sclerosis, spinal cord injury, and injury to the pelvic region can experience difficulty in orgasming. For all of these, the nerves in the genital area have been negatively affected, so arousal to climax is more difficult.
Masturbation. While I fall on the side that masturbation isn't by definition sinful (see Two Wives & Candid Conversation about Masturbation), it is often not advisable. If you masturbate often, you train yourself to react to that more efficient form of arousal, rather than the slower--and vastly more relationship-building--interaction with your honey. Husbands may then have difficulty achieving orgasm with intercourse rather than self-stimulation.
A quick note about Pornography: If your husband is viewing pornography as well, that adds yet another barrier to achieving orgasm through regular sexual contact. Porn is a shortcut to arousal, and those addicted to porn may become physiologically unable to take the long way home.
Performance Anxiety. If a man has difficulty achieving climax, the next time he may worry about achieving climax, which makes it hard to achieve climax, meaning he will now worry more about achieving climax, thus making it harder... Yeah, you get the point. Stress and anxiety hinder our ability to perform in all areas--from public speaking to getting the torpedo out of the chute.
Pregnancy Fear. If the wife wants to conceive, and the husband isn't ready or willing to become a papa, he may subconsciously withhold his "seed." If for some reason, a wife is in that spot, she needs to address it. You simply shouldn't bring a child into this world without husband and wife both willing to parent. 'Nuff said.
Relationship Issues. For both husband and wife, there is vulnerability and openness involved in sexually engaging and climaxing. The husband may not even be consciously aware that he's doing it, but if he feels resentment or frustration with his wife, it can carry over into his ability to ejaculate inside her.
By the way, Fatigue didn't show up on the lists of causes I looked through. But my personal, anecdotal evidence is that sometimes we spouses are just too pooped to pop. So yeah, I think being especially tired can be a contributing factor, especially as a man ages and it takes longer effort to reach climax.
Now on to how to address "retarded ejaculation" (its medical term). According to an article from the Boston University School of Medicine: "Ejaculatory dysfunction is always perceived as a couple’s issue. Resolving the problem is most successful when both partners can work together as a team toward a successful solution." I'm certain that God would agree with that one. In marriage, you are "one flesh" and what happens to one of you in the bedroom happens to both of you.
Communication. High-five to the reader who posed this question! She and her husband have already talked about the problem, so it's out there. They want to work on it together. Through their conversations, she has a better understanding of what's going on with him ("he describes it like he doesn't have enough control to be able to make it happen"). Please, wives, don't read this article with the attitude of diagnosing him, informing him of what's happening with his own body, and demanding that he get in line with your solution. That's not communication; that's lecture.
Open up the lines of communication by mentioning that you want him to have the best possible sexual experience. You can include about how hard it can be for your body to continue at some point, so the two of you should try to figure out how to get him to climax earlier. But don't make him feel that he has failed (giving him performance anxiety). More likely, his body has failed him. Ask him to explain how it feels--what is different about before and now. Ask how he would like it to feel. Ask if he is experiencing stress or tension. Just ask questions. Then LISTEN.
Medical Examination. You need to know if the body itself is working like it should. If hubby is on medications, and suddenly he's slow to climax, the easiest fix may be a different drug. Let's go with the easiest fix, right? Ask your husband to visit a doctor. You can offer to go with him, or let him go alone if he's more comfortable discussing the issue without you in the room. However, he should be willing to share the results of the doctor visit. Just start with finding out if the body is in sync.
Treatment. Secular sources I found often suggest having the man masturbate until right before orgasm, then penetrating his partner. Slowly, they suggest, a man can spend less time with masturbation and more time thrusting inside his partner, thus retraining his body toward ejaculation with intercourse.
Pah! I say. Sexual intimacy should be, well, intimate. It involves two people interacting with each other physically to provide arousal to and closeness with one another. Also, this is a we problem; remember the quote above? There's got to be some approach to this issue that focuses on the two of you together and doesn't involve self-stimulation as the ultimate answer.
So here are some other ideas:
1. Wait a sufficient amount of time in between. If you are having sex every day or every other day, that may be too often for a husband struggling with slow ejaculation. Space out your interactions to every few days. Of course, don't go too long. Your body tends to adjust to what it receives, and you don't want the "new normal" to be too little physical intimacy in your marriage.
2. Cease masturbation. If the husband has trained his body to become quickly aroused and climax through self-stimulation, it may be interfering with arousal and climax in sexual intercourse. The best way to retrain yourself is to stop the old, harmful habit and replace it with a new, beneficial habit.
3. Spend more time in foreplay. Instead of having the husband masturbate almost to climax, the husband can coach his wife toward stimulating him enough in other ways that he feels very close. Find out what he finds particularly arousing. Is it viewing you in full light? Turning you on to the point of orgasm? Receiving fellatio (oral sex) from you? Getting a "hand job"? (Use lube, lube, lube!) Get him close, and then get him in. Over time, have him enter earlier and earlier in that process to retrain himself toward climaxing inside you.
4. Use lots of lubricant. If a wife is okay with going longer for the husband to ejaculate, she can keep a bottle of lubricant handy. Reapply often and generously because, after ongoing friction, a woman tends to have less lubrication and feel discomfort with continued thrusting. There are many brands of lubricant (KY, Astroglide, and others), as well as the natural option of coconut oil.
5. Apply sufficient pressure. As I read about this problem, a recurring message was that plenty of men with retarded ejaculation could reach orgasm through masturbation, which provided more intense pressure and speedier thrusting than is often the case with sexual intercourse. It makes sense, therefore, to me that you might wish to try different positions to see if angle makes a difference in the pressure applied on his penis. You could also use your hand to apply more pressure at the base of his penis while your husband is inside your vagina (this may be easiest with the woman-on-top position). Also--while I have a love/hate relationship with them--it's never a bad idea for a wife to do some Kegel exercises to keep the musculature of the vagina strong. You can even work to flex those muscles with him inside you, thus providing more pressure to his penis to assist ejaculation.
6. Don't worry about his climax. Ask a guy when he's done with sex, and he'll probably say when he's ejaculated. But it isn't necessary for a man to come to have a great time in the bedroom with his wife. As men age in particular, they may find that there are those times when the length of time it would take to ejaculate isn't "worth it," so to speak. The husband can still enjoy the physical closeness with his wife and walk away happy even if he doesn't ejaculate. You don't have to reach the peak every single time to enjoy a beautiful hike up the mountain. Taking the pressure off may actually have the effect of making it easier for the hubby to achieve orgasm, since performance anxiety could be a factor--whether primary or secondary.
Since retarded ejaculation is not widely diagnosed, there isn't a plethora of information about treating it. The general take from the experts is to check for medical reasons that can be treated and to focus on reconditioning the man's sexual response.
I'm a believer that Christianity affects every single part of our lives. As such, I thought about 1 Corinthians 13 as I was writing this, and how it even applied to this situation. So if I were dealing with this issue with my husband, I would be wise to consider that:
Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails.
Be patient and kind as you approach your husband about his sexual performance. Let bygones be bygones and work toward protecting, trust, hoping, and persevering with each other. My continued blessings for this reader and all those who struggle with sexual problems in their marriage.
Sources: WebMD, Boston University School of Medicine, Mayo Clinic, International Society for Sexual Medicine, GoFish Ministries blog, The Marriage Bed
I have a husband who desperately desires sex more (we are going through 29 days to great sex currently and it is fantastic!) The problem we seem to be encountering is that unlike me, he has a hard time climaxing sometimes. Mostly when he is tired, but I almost always am ready before he is. Sometimes its ok, and I can go twice, but sometimes it's just been too long and my lady parts can't take it anymore :-/ It's not an issue of being aroused.. he describes it like he doesn't have enough control to be able to make it happen. Any suggestions??
I guarantee that this is a problem for more than one wife out there. Sure, we hear how hubbies are eager beavers and can barely hold back their climax, but that isn't always the way things play out in the marital bedroom. Sometimes, no matter how much he wants to get there, it's a challenge.
Let's start with understanding why this might happen to any husband, and then we'll go into what to do about it. So what are some causes of a husband having a difficult time reaching climax?
Age. As men age, the nerve endings in their penis become less sensitive, so what used to make them fire off a round easily may not quite get them there anymore.
Drugs. Medications can interfere with ejaculation. Specifically, most anti-depressants, anti-hypertensives (high blood pressure meds), anti-psychotic drugs, and some diuretics. In addition, excessive alcohol, marijuana use, or opiates can have a dulling effect on the ability to climax.
Disease or Injury. Husbands with diabetes, multiple sclerosis, spinal cord injury, and injury to the pelvic region can experience difficulty in orgasming. For all of these, the nerves in the genital area have been negatively affected, so arousal to climax is more difficult.
Masturbation. While I fall on the side that masturbation isn't by definition sinful (see Two Wives & Candid Conversation about Masturbation), it is often not advisable. If you masturbate often, you train yourself to react to that more efficient form of arousal, rather than the slower--and vastly more relationship-building--interaction with your honey. Husbands may then have difficulty achieving orgasm with intercourse rather than self-stimulation.
A quick note about Pornography: If your husband is viewing pornography as well, that adds yet another barrier to achieving orgasm through regular sexual contact. Porn is a shortcut to arousal, and those addicted to porn may become physiologically unable to take the long way home.
Performance Anxiety. If a man has difficulty achieving climax, the next time he may worry about achieving climax, which makes it hard to achieve climax, meaning he will now worry more about achieving climax, thus making it harder... Yeah, you get the point. Stress and anxiety hinder our ability to perform in all areas--from public speaking to getting the torpedo out of the chute.
Pregnancy Fear. If the wife wants to conceive, and the husband isn't ready or willing to become a papa, he may subconsciously withhold his "seed." If for some reason, a wife is in that spot, she needs to address it. You simply shouldn't bring a child into this world without husband and wife both willing to parent. 'Nuff said.
Relationship Issues. For both husband and wife, there is vulnerability and openness involved in sexually engaging and climaxing. The husband may not even be consciously aware that he's doing it, but if he feels resentment or frustration with his wife, it can carry over into his ability to ejaculate inside her.
By the way, Fatigue didn't show up on the lists of causes I looked through. But my personal, anecdotal evidence is that sometimes we spouses are just too pooped to pop. So yeah, I think being especially tired can be a contributing factor, especially as a man ages and it takes longer effort to reach climax.
Now on to how to address "retarded ejaculation" (its medical term). According to an article from the Boston University School of Medicine: "Ejaculatory dysfunction is always perceived as a couple’s issue. Resolving the problem is most successful when both partners can work together as a team toward a successful solution." I'm certain that God would agree with that one. In marriage, you are "one flesh" and what happens to one of you in the bedroom happens to both of you.
Communication. High-five to the reader who posed this question! She and her husband have already talked about the problem, so it's out there. They want to work on it together. Through their conversations, she has a better understanding of what's going on with him ("he describes it like he doesn't have enough control to be able to make it happen"). Please, wives, don't read this article with the attitude of diagnosing him, informing him of what's happening with his own body, and demanding that he get in line with your solution. That's not communication; that's lecture.
Open up the lines of communication by mentioning that you want him to have the best possible sexual experience. You can include about how hard it can be for your body to continue at some point, so the two of you should try to figure out how to get him to climax earlier. But don't make him feel that he has failed (giving him performance anxiety). More likely, his body has failed him. Ask him to explain how it feels--what is different about before and now. Ask how he would like it to feel. Ask if he is experiencing stress or tension. Just ask questions. Then LISTEN.
Medical Examination. You need to know if the body itself is working like it should. If hubby is on medications, and suddenly he's slow to climax, the easiest fix may be a different drug. Let's go with the easiest fix, right? Ask your husband to visit a doctor. You can offer to go with him, or let him go alone if he's more comfortable discussing the issue without you in the room. However, he should be willing to share the results of the doctor visit. Just start with finding out if the body is in sync.
Treatment. Secular sources I found often suggest having the man masturbate until right before orgasm, then penetrating his partner. Slowly, they suggest, a man can spend less time with masturbation and more time thrusting inside his partner, thus retraining his body toward ejaculation with intercourse.
Pah! I say. Sexual intimacy should be, well, intimate. It involves two people interacting with each other physically to provide arousal to and closeness with one another. Also, this is a we problem; remember the quote above? There's got to be some approach to this issue that focuses on the two of you together and doesn't involve self-stimulation as the ultimate answer.
So here are some other ideas:
1. Wait a sufficient amount of time in between. If you are having sex every day or every other day, that may be too often for a husband struggling with slow ejaculation. Space out your interactions to every few days. Of course, don't go too long. Your body tends to adjust to what it receives, and you don't want the "new normal" to be too little physical intimacy in your marriage.
2. Cease masturbation. If the husband has trained his body to become quickly aroused and climax through self-stimulation, it may be interfering with arousal and climax in sexual intercourse. The best way to retrain yourself is to stop the old, harmful habit and replace it with a new, beneficial habit.
3. Spend more time in foreplay. Instead of having the husband masturbate almost to climax, the husband can coach his wife toward stimulating him enough in other ways that he feels very close. Find out what he finds particularly arousing. Is it viewing you in full light? Turning you on to the point of orgasm? Receiving fellatio (oral sex) from you? Getting a "hand job"? (Use lube, lube, lube!) Get him close, and then get him in. Over time, have him enter earlier and earlier in that process to retrain himself toward climaxing inside you.
4. Use lots of lubricant. If a wife is okay with going longer for the husband to ejaculate, she can keep a bottle of lubricant handy. Reapply often and generously because, after ongoing friction, a woman tends to have less lubrication and feel discomfort with continued thrusting. There are many brands of lubricant (KY, Astroglide, and others), as well as the natural option of coconut oil.
5. Apply sufficient pressure. As I read about this problem, a recurring message was that plenty of men with retarded ejaculation could reach orgasm through masturbation, which provided more intense pressure and speedier thrusting than is often the case with sexual intercourse. It makes sense, therefore, to me that you might wish to try different positions to see if angle makes a difference in the pressure applied on his penis. You could also use your hand to apply more pressure at the base of his penis while your husband is inside your vagina (this may be easiest with the woman-on-top position). Also--while I have a love/hate relationship with them--it's never a bad idea for a wife to do some Kegel exercises to keep the musculature of the vagina strong. You can even work to flex those muscles with him inside you, thus providing more pressure to his penis to assist ejaculation.
6. Don't worry about his climax. Ask a guy when he's done with sex, and he'll probably say when he's ejaculated. But it isn't necessary for a man to come to have a great time in the bedroom with his wife. As men age in particular, they may find that there are those times when the length of time it would take to ejaculate isn't "worth it," so to speak. The husband can still enjoy the physical closeness with his wife and walk away happy even if he doesn't ejaculate. You don't have to reach the peak every single time to enjoy a beautiful hike up the mountain. Taking the pressure off may actually have the effect of making it easier for the hubby to achieve orgasm, since performance anxiety could be a factor--whether primary or secondary.
Since retarded ejaculation is not widely diagnosed, there isn't a plethora of information about treating it. The general take from the experts is to check for medical reasons that can be treated and to focus on reconditioning the man's sexual response.
I'm a believer that Christianity affects every single part of our lives. As such, I thought about 1 Corinthians 13 as I was writing this, and how it even applied to this situation. So if I were dealing with this issue with my husband, I would be wise to consider that:
Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails.
Be patient and kind as you approach your husband about his sexual performance. Let bygones be bygones and work toward protecting, trust, hoping, and persevering with each other. My continued blessings for this reader and all those who struggle with sexual problems in their marriage.
Sources: WebMD, Boston University School of Medicine, Mayo Clinic, International Society for Sexual Medicine, GoFish Ministries blog, The Marriage Bed
Thursday, August 9, 2012
Forget the Hedge, Erect a Wall
I've often heard the admonition to "build a hedge" around your marriage as a protection from temptation. That hedge may consist of setting boundaries for if, when, where, and how you will be with someone of the opposite sex. It can include talking to your spouse about who you've spend time with throughout the day and even any struggles with lust you may have experienced.
But I think I'm done with the word "hedge." In the last month, I have learned of two Christian couples whose marriages have been struck by adultery. I ache for them and what the adulterer's actions will do to their families. Considering them and what the Bible says about adultery, we need to forget the hedge and build a wall.
A hedge intimates that you can see over to the other side--how good it looks over there. You can wave at people or shake hands. Good gracious, I could even kiss someone over a hedge. I can crawl under a hedge, jump a hedge, squeeze through a hedge, etc. No, I want a wall for my marriage--a sturdy, rock-hewn boundary that keeps my marriage safe inside and invaders outside. If some guy wants to hang out with me, he can ring the doorbell and come in through the front door that my husband opens. Then our friendship is all on the up-and-up.
Yes, definitely a wall. Remember Nehemiah in the Bible? God sends him back to Jerusalem to rebuild the city's wall as the time of Babylonian captivity is ending. Why did the City of David need a wall? Walls were constructed to secure and protect the people within the city limits. Marriages need the same thing: a WALL to secure and protect the relationship that you have committed to and that God will bless.
We need to be marriage Nehemiahs erecting thick walls to provide security for our relationships. We will also likely experience pushback from those who believe that building walls is a foolish task. You may have friends that suggest that if you loved each other, such walls would be unnecessary or proclaim that they can have opposite-sex friendships and wonder why you can't. Nehemiah faced opposition, anger, and ridicule when he and his fellow Israelites built the wall. But he encouraged the Jews by saying, "Remember the Lord, who is great and awesome, and fight for your families, your sons and your daughters, your wives and your homes" (Nehemiah 4:14). We are fighting for the same thing when we make the effort to protect our marriages from the temptations and opposition that may come from outside.
Given my premarital history of promiscuity, I have a rule that I do not spend time alone with a male who is not my husband or a relative. I don't care if you are my co-worker, a family friend, a church elder, or my literary agent, we are not chatting it up over lunch somewhere alone. Does this make logistics difficult at times? Yes. However, it makes my marriage a lot easier. And my marriage takes precedence over inconvenience.
Some married couples assert that they can maintain friendships with opposite sex people because their marriage is strong enough. Perhaps it is...now. But in many situations I've seen and heard about, the marriage hits a rocky spot (which happens in just about every marriage) and suddenly an innocuous friendship becomes a temptation because it seems better and easier than the relationship at home with the spouse. If you want to maintain friendships with opposite sex people, include your spouse. Do double dates; invite your hubby to get to know your male best friend from high school or college; host a group event. But be very cautious about having alone time with a man who isn't your hubby.
If someone of the opposite sex is flirting with you and won't take no for an answer, get firm. Be frank. Push them back. Get away.
Is that clear enough?
Why am I adamant about this? Because in the worst years of my marriage--when I was about 80% sure we wouldn't make it--I was ripe for an affair. Had there been another man in my life who was attentive, kind, responsive, attractive, etc., at that moment he would have looked much better than the painful prospect of working on my failing marriage. Thank goodness--no, thank GOD--that I had set up that rule for myself and did not have such a guy on the horizon. Because I was committed to my marriage, and because I didn't have another option, I stuck it out. My husband and I worked on our relationship, and we are happier now than ever before. I love and adore my husband, and he feels the same for me.
Also, consider the children. When a parent leaves the home to take up with another woman or another man, the child does not see that the marriage wasn't working, the parent fell in love, sometimes things happen, they will still see their parent, and all of the other rationalizations the adulterer gives. They see that the adulterous parent chose someone else over them. It is not the same as divorcing and then remarrying someone else. Breaking up a marriage over adultery has a more profound effect.
If you are unhappy in your marriage right now, you are even more susceptible. Get help for your relationship! Things can get better. God desires you to have a quality marriage.
If you have already engaged in inappropriate activity, break off contact with the other person. Ask for a transfer to another work department or shift if needed. Build a wall around your marriage and get help. Tell your pastor or a counselor what has happened, and figure out together whether/how to inform your spouse.
Forget the hedge, build a wall. Remember your vows to keep yourself only unto your spouse.
But I think I'm done with the word "hedge." In the last month, I have learned of two Christian couples whose marriages have been struck by adultery. I ache for them and what the adulterer's actions will do to their families. Considering them and what the Bible says about adultery, we need to forget the hedge and build a wall.
A hedge intimates that you can see over to the other side--how good it looks over there. You can wave at people or shake hands. Good gracious, I could even kiss someone over a hedge. I can crawl under a hedge, jump a hedge, squeeze through a hedge, etc. No, I want a wall for my marriage--a sturdy, rock-hewn boundary that keeps my marriage safe inside and invaders outside. If some guy wants to hang out with me, he can ring the doorbell and come in through the front door that my husband opens. Then our friendship is all on the up-and-up.
Yes, definitely a wall. Remember Nehemiah in the Bible? God sends him back to Jerusalem to rebuild the city's wall as the time of Babylonian captivity is ending. Why did the City of David need a wall? Walls were constructed to secure and protect the people within the city limits. Marriages need the same thing: a WALL to secure and protect the relationship that you have committed to and that God will bless.
We need to be marriage Nehemiahs erecting thick walls to provide security for our relationships. We will also likely experience pushback from those who believe that building walls is a foolish task. You may have friends that suggest that if you loved each other, such walls would be unnecessary or proclaim that they can have opposite-sex friendships and wonder why you can't. Nehemiah faced opposition, anger, and ridicule when he and his fellow Israelites built the wall. But he encouraged the Jews by saying, "Remember the Lord, who is great and awesome, and fight for your families, your sons and your daughters, your wives and your homes" (Nehemiah 4:14). We are fighting for the same thing when we make the effort to protect our marriages from the temptations and opposition that may come from outside.
Given my premarital history of promiscuity, I have a rule that I do not spend time alone with a male who is not my husband or a relative. I don't care if you are my co-worker, a family friend, a church elder, or my literary agent, we are not chatting it up over lunch somewhere alone. Does this make logistics difficult at times? Yes. However, it makes my marriage a lot easier. And my marriage takes precedence over inconvenience.
Some married couples assert that they can maintain friendships with opposite sex people because their marriage is strong enough. Perhaps it is...now. But in many situations I've seen and heard about, the marriage hits a rocky spot (which happens in just about every marriage) and suddenly an innocuous friendship becomes a temptation because it seems better and easier than the relationship at home with the spouse. If you want to maintain friendships with opposite sex people, include your spouse. Do double dates; invite your hubby to get to know your male best friend from high school or college; host a group event. But be very cautious about having alone time with a man who isn't your hubby.
If someone of the opposite sex is flirting with you and won't take no for an answer, get firm. Be frank. Push them back. Get away.
Is that clear enough?
Why am I adamant about this? Because in the worst years of my marriage--when I was about 80% sure we wouldn't make it--I was ripe for an affair. Had there been another man in my life who was attentive, kind, responsive, attractive, etc., at that moment he would have looked much better than the painful prospect of working on my failing marriage. Thank goodness--no, thank GOD--that I had set up that rule for myself and did not have such a guy on the horizon. Because I was committed to my marriage, and because I didn't have another option, I stuck it out. My husband and I worked on our relationship, and we are happier now than ever before. I love and adore my husband, and he feels the same for me.
Also, consider the children. When a parent leaves the home to take up with another woman or another man, the child does not see that the marriage wasn't working, the parent fell in love, sometimes things happen, they will still see their parent, and all of the other rationalizations the adulterer gives. They see that the adulterous parent chose someone else over them. It is not the same as divorcing and then remarrying someone else. Breaking up a marriage over adultery has a more profound effect.
If you are unhappy in your marriage right now, you are even more susceptible. Get help for your relationship! Things can get better. God desires you to have a quality marriage.
If you have already engaged in inappropriate activity, break off contact with the other person. Ask for a transfer to another work department or shift if needed. Build a wall around your marriage and get help. Tell your pastor or a counselor what has happened, and figure out together whether/how to inform your spouse.
Forget the hedge, build a wall. Remember your vows to keep yourself only unto your spouse.
"They were all trying to frighten us, thinking, 'Their hands will get too weak for the work, and it will not be completed.' But I prayed, 'Now strengthen my hands.'" Nehemiah 6:9
Monday, August 6, 2012
Confessions of My Sexy and Sex-Happy Hubby
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| Actual expression from my husband (aka Spock) when I asked him to make 10 Confessions |
So while I have been using my Mondays to answer reader questions, I am halting that train on its tracks to let this Little Engine that Could come on through. Today's post is 8 Confessions of My Sexy and Sex-Happy Hubby. Since he's not a big talker or writer, he could only come up with eight (two more and he would have been way past his word quota for the day) and I interviewed him. The bold statements are his, and the rest is my commentary.
1. Get her as hot as you feel. This was hubby's first recommendation for husbands in the sexual arena. Not a bad one, eh?
2. Small things may not be a habit for you, but they will open her up to you. This is something my husband has learned in our many years of marriage: Doing little things throughout the day for your wife opens her heart up to you and makes her more willing to engage in physical intimacy. We talked about non-sexual touches, acts of service, and romantic gestures as examples of those "little things." This isn't a tit-for-tat plan, but rather a recognition that expressing love in little ways brings you two closer and sets the stage for sexual intimacy.
3. On the whole, sex gets better with age. You know each other better. You are more comfortable with both the safe areas and experimenting. More touches also mean that you are more attuned to your mate and have a better performance. This has been mentioned in other 10 Confessions lists, and it flies in the face of what a lot of media suggests--that the best experiences are the first ones of discovery or that you reach a point where sex is "old hat." But I also find it to be true while our intimacy may not be as giddy as it was at the beginning, it is deeper, more arousing, and all around better.
4. Understanding God the Father, Jesus the Husband, and Church the Bride helps a husband understand how to cherish his wife. (Okay, I'm swooning a little over my hubby now.) Ephesians 5:25-27 says, "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless." Indeed, husbands who do that with their wives are much more likely to enjoy a healthy marriage, including sexuality.
5. The "vaginal orifice" (I swear that was his phrase) is larger and more flexible than I thought. Um, okay. I queried him further, and Hubby's take was that he was simply surprised by how the wife's body was created in such a way that the opening appears small but adapts, conforms, and accommodates the husband's manhood. I don't know about you, ladies, but the very thought of putting a penis inside me when I was a young teenager was utterly horrifying! And it all turned out pretty good. So yeah, God's design is awesome.
6. Sex is a sport. This was in response to Justin of Do Not Disturb who pointed out in his list: Sex is better than sports. When I read my husband that statement, he immediately replied, "Sex is a sport." I think he wants an MVP designation now.
7. Sex is the most explicit physical rendering of the biblical expression, "The two will become one flesh." Genesis 2:24 says, "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh." There are others ways in which a married couple are one, as a household, with finances, as parents, and more. To have a healthy marriage, you must integrate your lives in such a way that whatever impacts one of you will impact both of you. This is a truly wonderful thing with sex! We are integrated physically, and what brings one of us pleasure should pleasure the other as well. I was a little surprised that my man didn't immediately quote the next verse in Genesis 2: "The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame." I don't remember that one being on any memory verse lists.
8. One can initiate at any part of the body. Toe, belly button, back of the knee, back of the neck, middle of the vertebrae, anywhere. Pick a starting point! In fact, have a year where each day has a different starting point. I like this idea! The hubs just shook up his brain like a Yahtzee cup and this is what fell out! Husbands should take note here to vary their approach. Also, don't start with the private parts! Wives typically respond better to being stimulated in other sensitive areas of their body first. The skin itself has approximately 50 touch receptors per square centimeter (from ThinkQuest.org), and touch receptors vary in their sensitivity. For instance, some respond to heat, others to pressure, and still others to simple touch. One of the beauties of a long marriage is taking your time to discover how each and every part of your spouse's body responds to your touch. Start exploring, and see where you end up!
And that's it. We're out of statements from my hubby regarding sexuality. So how about you? What have you learned that has made you more positive about God's gift of sexuality in marriage?
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
Sexual Olympics: Are You a Gold Medalist?
The London 2012 Olympics has arrived! I don't know what your favorite summer Olympic sport is, but I always find myself watching gymnastics at some point. So I looked up the USA team gold medalist hopefuls and found this video about Jordyn Wieber:
Now you might wonder how I can possibly draw lessons for marriage and sexuality from the story of a 17-year-old Olympian. Well, here I go.
Because I think we are involved in our own event of Sexual Olympics in marriage. We need the same attitudes that Olympians possess to nurture sexual intimacy.
All too often, what gets portrayed in movies, TV shows, and books is that the best sexual experience is among the first. We tend to believe that the first interaction of passion or the honeymoon are the best sexual experiences a couple will have. Not so, bloke. Couples tend to experience the best sex years into their marriage.The video of Jordyn showed her doing gymnastics as a child and, while she was good back then, she has grown into an athlete worthy of accolades and applause through several key factors. Let's take them in turn.
Desire. Olympic athletes want to be involved in their sport and achieve. Sexual Olympians in marriage also have a strong desire to be the best they can be. I'm not talking about desire in terms of libido here. You can have a low sex drive but still have a desire for quality marital intimacy. If you truly want it and see the importance of having it, you can build on that; you can develop a healthy libido and sex life in marriage. Having quality sexual intimacy starts with a strong desire to attain what God desires you to have in your marriage.
Focus. It's called "intensity" in the video above. Essentially, this is the quality of blocking out other distractions and giving marital intimacy your full attention. This is a huge challenge with the demands on our time from job, household, friends, children, other family, and more. However, when you begin intimacy with your husband, your focus needs to turn to him. The other things can wait. Indeed, a strong focus on the sensations and pleasure of sexual intimacy can help wives achieve orgasm more easily and frequently.
Training. Olympians have coaches; couples can get coaching too. There are more resources now than ever to help you know what you're doing in the bedroom. Pick up a book on Christian sexuality or follow some blogs with tips (I've given tips on orgasms, oral sex, and more myself). Ask a more experienced woman in church if you can. And most importantly, let your spouse train you as to what is most effective to turn him on and make him feel desired and close to you.
Practice. Ah, now the fun part! If you want to have quality sex, you need some quantity sex. Olympians don't just practice every other week. They hit the gym daily, for hours on end. Now I'm not suggesting that you have sex every day for hours (although...). Rather, I'm saying that having lots of sex gives you practice and the opportunity to try new things, tweak your approach, hone your skills, and become a better lover for your spouse. And my, oh my, I'd rather practice mounting my hubby than dismounting a set of parallel bars any day. I'm just sayin'.
Performance. Thank goodness there are no judges in the bedroom! "8.3 with points off for a shaky landing." And no announcers! "She simply couldn't recover from that foible in the middle of her routine." But hey, when you know you've put on your best performance--whether for the Olympics or your hubby in the bedroom--there is some part of you that beams with pride. "Oh yeah, that was me who made him sweat and pant with pleasure." You want to stand tall and accept your gold medal because you are that good.
Balance. The mom in the video about Jordyn Wieber mentioned that she had to insist on balance for her daughter. I believe in this too. Getting the gold in your marriage isn't merely about sexual Olympics. Aim for balance by attending to other areas of intimacy--emotional, spiritual, recreational, etc. In fact, your intimacy in the bedroom will be nurtured by focusing on other parts of your marriage too. The better the relationship, the better the sex; the better the sex, the better the relationship; the better... It's a loop. Work on your friendship with your spouse, as well as your sexual intimacy...and both will improve.
Now what is your favorite Olympic sport? And what lessons for marriage can you draw from watching the Olympics?
Now you might wonder how I can possibly draw lessons for marriage and sexuality from the story of a 17-year-old Olympian. Well, here I go.
Because I think we are involved in our own event of Sexual Olympics in marriage. We need the same attitudes that Olympians possess to nurture sexual intimacy.
All too often, what gets portrayed in movies, TV shows, and books is that the best sexual experience is among the first. We tend to believe that the first interaction of passion or the honeymoon are the best sexual experiences a couple will have. Not so, bloke. Couples tend to experience the best sex years into their marriage.The video of Jordyn showed her doing gymnastics as a child and, while she was good back then, she has grown into an athlete worthy of accolades and applause through several key factors. Let's take them in turn.
Desire. Olympic athletes want to be involved in their sport and achieve. Sexual Olympians in marriage also have a strong desire to be the best they can be. I'm not talking about desire in terms of libido here. You can have a low sex drive but still have a desire for quality marital intimacy. If you truly want it and see the importance of having it, you can build on that; you can develop a healthy libido and sex life in marriage. Having quality sexual intimacy starts with a strong desire to attain what God desires you to have in your marriage.
Focus. It's called "intensity" in the video above. Essentially, this is the quality of blocking out other distractions and giving marital intimacy your full attention. This is a huge challenge with the demands on our time from job, household, friends, children, other family, and more. However, when you begin intimacy with your husband, your focus needs to turn to him. The other things can wait. Indeed, a strong focus on the sensations and pleasure of sexual intimacy can help wives achieve orgasm more easily and frequently.
Training. Olympians have coaches; couples can get coaching too. There are more resources now than ever to help you know what you're doing in the bedroom. Pick up a book on Christian sexuality or follow some blogs with tips (I've given tips on orgasms, oral sex, and more myself). Ask a more experienced woman in church if you can. And most importantly, let your spouse train you as to what is most effective to turn him on and make him feel desired and close to you.
Practice. Ah, now the fun part! If you want to have quality sex, you need some quantity sex. Olympians don't just practice every other week. They hit the gym daily, for hours on end. Now I'm not suggesting that you have sex every day for hours (although...). Rather, I'm saying that having lots of sex gives you practice and the opportunity to try new things, tweak your approach, hone your skills, and become a better lover for your spouse. And my, oh my, I'd rather practice mounting my hubby than dismounting a set of parallel bars any day. I'm just sayin'.
Performance. Thank goodness there are no judges in the bedroom! "8.3 with points off for a shaky landing." And no announcers! "She simply couldn't recover from that foible in the middle of her routine." But hey, when you know you've put on your best performance--whether for the Olympics or your hubby in the bedroom--there is some part of you that beams with pride. "Oh yeah, that was me who made him sweat and pant with pleasure." You want to stand tall and accept your gold medal because you are that good.
Balance. The mom in the video about Jordyn Wieber mentioned that she had to insist on balance for her daughter. I believe in this too. Getting the gold in your marriage isn't merely about sexual Olympics. Aim for balance by attending to other areas of intimacy--emotional, spiritual, recreational, etc. In fact, your intimacy in the bedroom will be nurtured by focusing on other parts of your marriage too. The better the relationship, the better the sex; the better the sex, the better the relationship; the better... It's a loop. Work on your friendship with your spouse, as well as your sexual intimacy...and both will improve.
Now what is your favorite Olympic sport? And what lessons for marriage can you draw from watching the Olympics?
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